Am I doing what’s best
6 July 2021 at 9:18 pm #56223
I don’t t know what I’m seeking just opinions I guess on my current situation hoping it’s the right thing…
I have 2 babies under 2 and have decided to leave their dad due to him gambling. He has never been in debt and has a good credit rating as he only spends the money he has left over. This then means no savings for a mortgage which is security for our boys. He has done this throughout our relationship and prior to meeting me so it’s a deep addition. I only found out when pregnant with my first and decided to forgive and help him. Once control was given back he went straight back to it even knowing we had a surprise 2nd pregnancy and being stuck in 1 room.
It has been 3 weeks since he has left and I have a massive guilt if this is the right thing when our boys adore him and don’t understand why he’s not here as much. The older one definitely acts out after seeing him so I have to deal with his emotional state once daddy has gone. But I am happier.
I also cannot give them the luxury lifestyle as I could with their dad (he’s never said no when then needed things or days out etc) I would be working and be brought up by someone else. This kills me as all I ever wanted was to be a mum…6 July 2021 at 11:56 pm #56231
An addiction is a nightmare to live with.You have not given any details so to a reader it may seem like you have simply removed your sons from the father they love, which sounds awful.Our happiness is very important but once we have kids we have to think of Their happiness as well.Only you can weigh up, as you know all the details and how bad the addiction really is.You’ve said he’s not in debt,gives the kids a good life,loves them….sounds ideal to me.Having a mortgage doesn’t mean you’ve made it yknow.Even owning your own home isn’t the be all and end all.Just be careful you’re not throwing out the baby with the bathwater.7 July 2021 at 3:24 am #56232
Thank you for your reply Gumibear123.
My apologies I have not made this clear. They see him every other day. I would never take them away from him. A father figure is so important to have for them.
His addiction I can understand it’s just the secrecy and the lies along with it for example; saying he’s stuck at work/ traffic etc. Can a relationship work with no trust and by me looking after him like another child by taking full ownership of his income (he’s more than happy for me to do this to help him)7 July 2021 at 10:35 am #56240
Well lies and deceit are an integral part of an addiction if you want to keep the relationship going.He obviously has a conscience and knows what he’s doing is wrong so he’s covering it up.
Unfortunately in the real world there are many women ummm spouses who are taking responsibility while the other parent acts like a child,so you’re not a rarity.and unlike a lot of men he’s agreeing to you being in charge of finances.That’s a big plus yknow!!
Besides for that if you say you understand the addiction bit,he obviously cares about his kids,he provides well for them,he lies bc he actually cares what you think,you don’t hate him…..errrrrr like don’t just chuck this bc you got a rough patch!!! Who said the next person will be better? Who’s guaranteeing there will Be a next person! Do yourself a favour and get help for the bits you don’t like and between you make it better!7 July 2021 at 3:05 pm #56251
Thank you Gumibear123 for your advice I appreciate it x12 July 2021 at 8:27 pm #56415
Six years on with the same story for me. 6 blended children in the mix and 3 we had together. I found out it wasn’t just gambling but cocaine and alcohol and the more I tried to help and rescue, the more nasty he became.
My youngest was 7 months when he walked out because we had an argument about how paranoid and depressed he was making himself. He sees the little three boys (all under 3) twice a week but won’t even honour me with a conversation.
It is destroying me and my 3 year old is extremely emotional but he has addictions and I can’t change that. I wish things were different but his family don’t even bother with me now that they see the boys often. I’ve wondered whether he left for someone else. Gamblers lie and deceive so unless he goes to counselling then it’s a rocky path going forward.