Am I doing the right thing for my daughter?
25 September 2019 at 8:08 am #30738
Hello, I’m new here and looking for some advice as I have never come across anyone that’s been through the same in real life.
I had my daughter at 18, she is 12 now. When she was 5 her dad left and moved to Wales as he was in serious debt and trouble where we lived. I was relieved he had gone as he made our lives absolute hell. He was a known drug dealer and constantly on drugs himself. I could not trust him with my child. He watched us struggle on benefits and never tried to help with her, I went through probably the lowest/worst time in my life where I would cry in the street.
Once he left he used to call her every now and again and she would still visit his nans house as all his family still lived here. I have always allowed them to have her every Wednesday. Gradually his contact stopped, I heard he was in trouble again and his dad who he lived with had washed his hands of him. This guy is seriously bad news!
so this woman that used to be friends with him has started to visit his nans house when my daughter is there. She has gotten close with my DD and even got her phone number. I know she is still in contact with my child’s father. One day i was coming home from work when I got a phone call from this woman saying, I should really think about shaving my DDs legs as she is going in to year 8 now and she will get bullied. My DD has never once mentioned that she thinks her legs are hairy and has never been self conscious! So I was a bit upset that this woman had put it in to her mind.. anyway I got her some hair removal cream as I felt bad!!
a few weeks later I get home from work again to collect DD from my sisters. I go into the kitchen and my sisters face is telling me somethings up. I ask her and she says ‘that woman has rang G (my child) and asked her if she wants to go and see her dad on Saturday, she said she will drive her to Wales to see him!
Bearing in mind we had not heard from him for 7 years and my child has come to terms with him not being around, this was a shock for her to hear over the phone! And she cried to my sister. My DD is not an emotional child so for my sister to see her cry was heartbreaking!
ive always been told I’m a doormat and I let people walk all over me but I was FUMING. How dare she go to my child without talking to me first! I rang her and asked her what she thought she was playing at? She said oh grow up and let your daughter see her dad. I have never stopped him seeing her! My door has always been open for him to see her. Even though he is abusive and a drug addict!
my DD does not like to talk to me about her dad and she won’t open up anytime I bring the subject up. I do not know her feelings about the situation, I have never bad mouthed him but I always said if she asks me I will tell her the truth! I wanted it to be her decision where she comes to me and says I wana find my dad and of course I would help her! My sister said to her if you want to tell us how you feel then maybe write a letter, as she finds it hard to open up. I tried to talk to her about it the last few nights and she just said ‘mum I don’t want to talk about it’
now I feel bad by not letting her go. I feel like I am taking away a chance she may have to finally meet her father! I know she wants to deep down . When I asked her if she would like to go she just shrugged. But I feel like she’s worried if she says yes it will hurt me, I have said to her I will support her either way, Even if she decides she wants nothing to do with him. The last time he was supposed to see her he did not turn up and I swore I would never put her through that again. That was the most traumatic thing she has ever been through and I won’t ever let him do that to her again!
Am I doing the right thing? I know what’s right for one person won’t be right for another and I know little girls need dads. I would like nothing more than for her to have a dad. It’s always been just me and her
x25 September 2019 at 9:43 am #30742
I wouldn’t allow my child to go to Wales under any circumstances, the father at the end of the day is a stranger to your daughter and there are definite safeguarding issues, if the father wants to reconnect Id get the woman to drive him to you for supervised contact.
I don’t understand why her nan has allowed this other woman to get close to your daughter, it’s something that I would definitely put a stop to, I feel this woman has got too many question marks over her and needs to be told to butt out, your daughter is none of her concern. I’d also block the woman’s number on your daughters phone, another adult should not be phoning your daughter without your permission.
Mark25 September 2019 at 9:59 am #30743
I’m one of the moderators here at Gingerbread. Just to let you know that I’ll be sending you a private message.
Thanks, Justine26 September 2019 at 8:12 am #30766
Sorry I forgot to add a vital part as I typed this in a rush! The whole family is going to wales to see him, not just this woman. Although it was her idea and she is going along