Am I being unreasonable? Contact centre requested
28 August 2021 at 11:07 am #58310
I have had issues with the Father of my child since since January when I was 5 months pregnant, I moved out of our family home due to the way he spoke to me and treated me. I left for my own safety but I still wanted him apart of my life for the sake of the baby, I just thought having space between us was for the best. He was at the birth and we agreed to having a week on staying at his place and a week off where I would return back to my families home to see if we could eventually work things out for good. I even agreed to pay him rent as well as paying rent to my family to keep things together. He has pretty much ruined this by his behaviour, he tells me I have mental health issues and that the baby should be taken away from me etc, all which I have tried to rise above. I ended the week on/off arrangement as I didn’t feel happy or secure around him and often rowed and cried in front of our baby, not to mention being exhausted by the constant packing and travelling. Our child is 3 months old and he has never financially supported me throughout my pregnancy, I bought everything myself, he has reluctantly given me £150 this month but has so much resentment towards me because I stopped contributing to his mortgage when I left ‘leaving him in the lurch’. Apparently the money I didn’t give him is the money he’s contributed towards our baby. Last time I was with him he videoed me accusing me of being aggressive and wanting to hit him when I was sat in the backseat of the car breastfeeding. I can’t be around him anymore but I can’t help but still feel sorry for him. I have now told him that he has to use a contact centre as I no longer want to help him with being apart of our baby’s life when he is so vile to me. He has text me to arrange a visit outside of the contact centre, which I have held firm on and said no to. It’s been three weeks and he hasn’t made any arrangements with the contact centre. I have emailed them myself and CC’d him so he knows I’m not trying to block contact but he’s ignoring me. I feel like he’s going to turn up unannounced with his family in tow and cause a scene as he wants to come tomorrow to take him out. He is now threatening me with a court order, even though I’ve made it clear I want him to be apart of baby’s life and want them to have a relationship, I just want to use a contact centre to safeguard myself from his abuse. I am still breastfeeding the baby so I would have to be free for feeds, I’m not in a place where I want to see him or his family. I have tried expressing but I get very little product for hours of pumping which isn’t ideal, so being at the centre where they can help with handovers is better for me. I just wondered if anyone has any advice if they have had similar experiences?
Thank you for reading. X28 August 2021 at 6:16 pm #58323
sorry to hear you are experiencing this, to be honest he sounds like a classic abuser. You don’t need to buy into the trope that he needs to be around, you have obviously tried at your own detriment & he’s thrown it back into your and your child’s face without any respect, and then gone on to become more abusive. You sound like you will be more than alright without the headache of this idiot, by the sounds of things, you’ve done it all by yourself anyway. he will treat you how you let him, nothing you do will be able to fix this person because his behaviour is his choice & it clearly suits him!
sounds like you need some support from the national domestic abuse helpline, who can help you understand his behaviour & how to break free.
you’ve clearly tried, this isn’t your fault, sounds like he could attempt to get very nasty when you escape & stand up for yourself… so its best to get as much professional support as possible. you are not alone xx
hope this helps 🙂29 August 2021 at 10:05 am #58329
Thank you so much for your response. It’s been incredibly helpful and you’ve really reassured me. Sometimes it’s hard to know if you’re doing the right thing or not but his behaviour has definitely been abusive and I feel up to this point I have been enabling him in without realising it. Your post has been quite empowering for me to read so thank you for taking your time to write it. Have a good day! X29 August 2021 at 1:17 pm #58333
you are most welcome, glad you’ve found this reassuring, you deserve healthy support xx Yeah it can be really hard to know what to do, you sound like a lovely person & great parent really trying your best to make it all work out… it’s too easy for abusers to manipulate this or blame us into making us feel responsible for their problems, it happened to me as-well, think Womens Aid evidence it does for 1 in 4, so your really not alone, we can come out of it stronger 🙂 xx30 August 2021 at 9:06 pm #58435
Protect yourself and the baby at all costs. Turn to authorities (before him), do not reveal your cards to him, seek help and stand your ground. He is an abuser who will use your baby to get back at you for protecting yourself and the child. These men are very weak men. They are insecure, demonising, immature, controlling, coercive. Keep all the records of his abusive behaviour, record conversations, keep text messages and do Not threaten. Do not offer to co-parent any longer instead silently and proactively look for a way out asap.