Am I being unreasonable?
14 October 2020 at 7:43 pm #44815
So to give a little bit of context my daughters father and I split in February and it wasn’t the most amicable of break ups. He moved back in with his parents and then lockdown hit. I have wanted to use that as an excuse for why he doesn’t make any effort or attempt to be a part of his child’s life but I don’t think I can pretend this is the reason anymore. The thing that is upsetting me is that since he left he hasn’t attempted to see our child or ask after her wellbeing. He has begun to pay some sort of child support but this isn’t consistent and isn’t very much (we’re talking about £50 a month if we are lucky).
I just want to make it clear that I don’t need his money and I have never put anything in the way of him having a relationship with his daughter.
Ok so this is my question after a lot of rambling. I found out today that he is on dating sites and talking to new women (not a problem), but he is discussing our daughter like he is an active part of her life with people on the internet. He may even be sending photos of her to these women or using them on his dating profile. Am I being unreasonable to think this is disgusting behaviour to be pretending to be this perfect dad when he hasn’t made any effort to be involved in her life?
When I contact him to discuss it as adults he refuses to answer the phone, has blocked me on all social media and when I sent him a letter about child support and mediation for contact with his daughter, he completely ignored it.
Has anyone been through anything similar? Does anyone have any advice of what I can do? I’m really struggling with my mental health on top of trying to be a single parent and I really need someone who has experienced similar things to give me a bit of hope that it gets better or easier.
Thank you in advance14 October 2020 at 8:12 pm #44816
I’ve been through similar 18 months ago, he was on and off with contact (50%of the time not showing) maintenance was a tool for manipulation and control he decided to no longer have contact for the 5th time, she was 18 months old. So when he came back wanting to see her I said mediation. He didn’t call to make an appointment, he refused a contact centre I contacted. He was mentally, financially and verbally abusive.
I found it hard to understand that he would make no or minimal effort to see our child, it haunted me for months!
he dragged my name through the mud after 6 months of no contact, saying I wouldn’t let him see his child. Not the case I did everything in my power to let him have contact and only said mediation due to my mental health breaking and her starting to realise she’d been let down. You can’t force someone to be a dad.
The best thing to do is block him back and just give up on him, let him contact mediation. It’s not easy and if he’s like my ex he will rebound (like many times the first 18 months of her life) and say he wants to be a dad…. there is only so many times you can use your child as a “carrot” without damaging them for life.
theres a lot more to my story, but this is the bones.
He was, this week arrested for harassment, which I find hard as he makes out he wants contact…..but I truly know he doesn’t really and the police agree. There words “it’s hard for you, we can see that. But you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink! And you’ve lead this horse to water many times. you did the right thing in blocking and ignoring him”
it’s a hard thing to go through, painful and full of Self doubt! Just make sure your childS emotional wellbeing is at the forefront of your mind and try not to let your personal anger get in the way! And if it starts to, ask for advice through gingerbread, Help for children, woman’s aid etc. Get some professional perspective on the situation.
hope this helps14 October 2020 at 11:33 pm #44822
Thank you for sharing and im sorry youve had to go through all of that. It helps to know it isnt as hopeless as it feels at times. I suspect my daughters father is just saying what he think hes supposed to say and doesnt actually want anything to do with her. It breaks my heart that I made such a bad choice when it came to him as her dad.