Am I being selfish?
15 May 2021 at 4:45 pm #54163
Hi All, I have a two year old and moved back in with my family about a year and a half ago, I work nights and my mum has my toddler for 4-6 nights a week & puts her to bed, it works out probably a hour and half a night that she’s awake and she has her.
During the day I have her all day, if they pop out for a hour they take her so I get a break but never have taken her out for the day without me.
Her Dad and family live hours away and don’t have a part in her life other than a monthly face time.
So essentially the only break I get is at work, is this normal? When I say im exhausted they say it’s just mother hood, which I get but I don’t think I can do that for 18 years? When I said about cutting down hours they said no you need to work, when I suggested putting her in child care for maybe half a day a week so I get a consistent break they said I shouldn’t. I have no friends locally, I’ve looked into baby groups I take her to 2 a week and not many others open in area yet, I just can’t seem to keep her occupied for the 9+ hours a day. They also don’t like me having the tv on for more then 2 hours a day (I contribute my 3rd of the bills). I know there are people that have no support and you are amazing I can’t even manage it with the help I get. I have organised I night with friends for 3 weeks time so i’ll look forward to that. Does it get, easier?
Thank you think I just needed a rant.15 May 2021 at 7:36 pm #54167
Firstly, no. You are not being selfish. I get that sometimes we need to hear that from another human being. I get that sometimes we need to know that how we’re feeling is normal: what you are feeling is normal.
2-3 year olds are flipping little nightmares. They’re also adorable, cute and amazing … but also … nightmares.
Feeling worn down by the endless cycle of work and (still!) full time childcare is not to be sniffed out. You’re doing a lot. More than some. And it’s not easy raising a child under the roof of your own parents who clearly have their own views (and aren’t afraid to share them). That’s an awful lot of pressure. So go easy on yourself.
I think it’s great that you’ve made plans to do something nice that’s just for you. See if you can think of other ways to build in stuff like that for yourself – it doesn’t have to be a huge deal or cost money like a meal or evening out. Just going for a walk by yourself for 20 mins can give you some much needed space.
Does it get any easier? … yes… just maybe not for another 16 years ha (I’m in the same boat so I can laugh)15 May 2021 at 7:59 pm #54169
If this is your only child your probably overdoing the motherlyness. Try to relax, children will monopolise all your time if they can, allow them some time to entertain themselves, you cant be an activity coordinator all the time. If your parents are there, use them to give yourself a break. Sometimes parents feel guilty for accepting help, dont, accept the help. It gets easier as they get older but expectations from children are formed now, that’s why you want to get then used to entertaining themselves a bit.15 May 2021 at 8:48 pm #54173
Thank you both,
Yes need some more me time just feel guilty whenever im not occupying her etc
I guess when most parents get a break is when their kids are sleeping which is when im working so don’t get that, just hard to juggle it all and because im with family it seems I should be able to.
Going to look into child care so I get a consistent break I think she will enjoy it to and get to meet other children.
People don’t always get how hard it is when you’re alone parent and it all falls on you.16 May 2021 at 4:59 am #54185
I’ve got 4 on my own minus 4 hours once a week most Sundays with their dad.Have done for nearly 10 years now.It will obviously be easier when it child gets to school age.So you can look fwd to that.I don’t see why you don’t get child care for a bit if you want.If ur parents don’t like it,don’t make a deal of it- you can always do your errands etc in that time so they don’t really have to know about it that much.I suppose if you are living under their roof ,so have less responsibility/bills they will feel they have a say in the matter.16 May 2021 at 10:30 am #54198
Wow four on your own it must be hard work. Yes the idea of living with family was so I could save, backfired a bit as I don’t get any benefits because of savings so if I was to move out I would have to pay the rent from my savings/work full time, meaning I would have to pay for childcare which isn’t worth it once you minus tax etc would be earning around £3 a hour 👍 a bit of a circle until she’s in school, I’m stuck.22 May 2021 at 10:38 pm #54565
It’s not selfish. It’s normal! I work as a secondary English teacher 3 days a week. My daughter’s dad and I were separating but he passed away Feb 2020. My daughter is 6 now. When she goes to bed, I do all my marking and planning. I’ve just come to accept that I’m permanently exhausted!
I do get my 2 days off a week where I do the food shop, cleaning, some of my work. I’ve been having counselling calls as my partner’s death was traumatic. My daughter now had fortnightly therapy sessions on my days off too – so they disappear each week!
I just accept now that the house will never be perfect, it will always be a scrabble to find clean ballet/drama/tap/swimming kit 2 minutes before we have to leave for her lessons and stuff. It is what it is! But it’s not selfish to sometimes feel you want some time.