Am I being reasonable?

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  • #15490 Report

    AJ
    Participant

    Hi

    To cut a very long story short, my ex-husband left last autumn after an affair with the mother of some of my daughter’s school friends. He now lives with her and her 5 kids and sees our daughter on an erratic basis despite my best efforts through mediation to come up with a set plan for her care. We work shifts which makes the ‘every other weekend’ plan impossible. His behaviour over the summer took a dramatic dip – lying, changing plans constantly and generally messing me and our daughter about, refusing to talk to me and eventually cutting off the maintenance he was paying.

    Through all of this I have been on relatively good terms with his mum and she cares for our daughter some times when I am at work at weekends. She is eccentric and we’ve had our issues in the past. Even my ex says she lies and for that reason, I am very careful regarding what I say to her. However, she’s always been an excellent, doting grandma and was amazing when our daughter was in hospital for a few months as a toddler. Because of this, i’ve put our differences behind us and wanted to remain in good terms with her for our daughter’s sake. A couple of weeks ago, my ex’s behaviour was particularly bonkers and causing me a lot of concern. I just texted his mum saying that I was worried about him and the effect of his behaviour on our daughter,  just wanting her advice on what I could say to our daughter. Five minutes later, I got a text from my ex telling me not to contact his mum again because ‘she’s ***** all to do with you’ and threatening to change her number if i did.  A few days previously, she’d been sitting at my table having a totally normal conversation and I have no idea what has happened in between, so I have genuinely no idea where this has come from. Another text from my ex mentioned she was unwell. I have heard nothing from her since.

    She is due to look after my daughter a couple of times next week while i’m at work but am agonising about what to do. I can find alternative child care and am thinking that I will text his mum saying that i’m sorry to hear she is unwell and that i’ve made alternative arrangements for our daughter ‘s care over the next few weeks but that she is always welcome to come and see her whenever she feels up to it. Is that reasonable? I don’t want to cut her off from her grandchild and my daughter will miss her greatly but equally need to create some distance for my own sanity.

    #15493 Report

    AJ
    Participant

    Thankyou, that helps… he was emotionally abusive to me and I struggle now to trust my own judgement. I’m certain he is doing something similar to his mum but equally she is an adult and we’ve had a good relationship so could contact me herself if there is a problem.

    Unfortunately, I have been entirely dependent on my ex and his mum for child care while I work as I have no family locally and finding evening/ weekend child care is a bit of a nightmare and incredibly expensive. Work are being immensely flexible at the mo and friends are helping but there’s a limit to that. I’m at the point where I feel I may have no option other than to move nearer my family but they are 4 hours away. I’ve been trying to avoid this as it would mean taking  my daughter away from her lovely school, friends etc and then having a complete nightmare over when and how she sees her dad. I’ve never wanted to stop him seeing her – she needs a relationship with him –  but if I can’t work because he isn’t supporting me in terms of childcare or financially, what can I do? I’m barely sleeping at the mo trying to come up with a solution for this one….!

    #15538 Report

    AJ
    Participant

    Thankyou so much for this and for the wording which is very helpful! I just want to get on with my life, enjoy my daughter while she’s young and this is all so unnecessary!

    Thankyou!

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