Always worry about my ex and his attitude towards being a dad to our son

[SazzleParticipant]

Hi everyone,

I’m new to this online forum but just wanted advice. Been a single parent for 3 years now after coming out of a very controlling 10 year relationship (thankfully not married) – there have been numerous issues over the years with how his dad has been along with how he still likes to ‘try’ and control me and tell me how to parent. He see’s his son 4/5 times a month for sleep over and at times, calls or visits him but this is bear minimum. Up until Jan this year (2019) I used to let every matter bother me and I went on anti-depressants, spoke to a counsellor etc but vowed to never let this happen again once the new year started and this is given that fact that my son’s father left him in the car age 3 and 4 while he went in to the supermarket, made him wash his own pants out age 3 and took a photo of him and said to him that he isn’t around on his day off to wash his clothes (he’s a child).. This is a man who has had counselling himself various times from childhood issues I am yet to know of. Of late, his relationship with his son has seemed ok and we have got on despite the above matters. And yes, I kick myself that I didn’t pursue matters further on the above even though I sought advise both legally and through citizens advice. Since this last 2 weeks our son hasn’t seen his father much due to work matters and this has in turn made my son say he doesn’t want to go to daddies and I get that is how he will feel as he is 5 years old. His father told me 2 weeks ago that I am not to let my son bully me in to wiping his bum (age 5) and that he should be fully capable of doing this himself. What his dad doesn’t realise is that I am the full time carer and guide and teach my son everything but if he needs help with a matter then as his mother, I should help him and likewise with his dad. We’re not here to punish him or shame him but his dad feels this is the right thing to do with a child this age. He even told me he had a moan at our son when he woke him at 2am for a wee. Who does that. He wanted daddies help. He doesn’t stay at his dads and partners house a lot so of course he needs more support. I am just at a loss at what to do and I haven’t explained the half of things. I don’t know where I stand. His dad is on the birth certificate and like I said they get on most of the time but I’m just starting to feel uneasy again.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. xx

[KathymumofoneParticipant]

Hi Sazzle,  the most obvious thing here is that how you parent your little boy at your house in your time is YOUR business and what your ex thinks is not relevant.

secondly, your son is little. He needs loving and nurturing and being cuddled. Your ex seems to treat life like the army. It’s not surprising your son doesn’t want to go there. What is the new partner like?

I think I’d keep a detailed diary of everything your ds says, and if you are still concerned, consult your GP. Make sure your son knows you will believe him.

[SOLOMUMMYParticipant]

Sadly this does come under the different parenting style banner. I agree with you, but a court wouldn’t really action anything of the last instances.

If you genuinely believe that your child is being neglected  or emotionally impacted on then you have the option to raise this in email or act on it, by either removing overnights or reducing contact,  but as distasteful his approach is it doesn’t on this alone warrant that imo.

[Author]

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