Alone and pregnant with first baby

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  • #47525 Report

    Sophiewofie90
    Participant

    I have always wanted to start a family and always hoped it would happen before the age of 30. However, I had never met the right guy to settle down with and then when I turned 30 in October I accepted that my chances of this had gone (at least for now); Afterall I hadnt been in a relationship with the guy i was seeing for very long, and he also told me he couldnt have children so the chances of this happening for me any time soon had gone out of my mind. Can you imagine my suprise 2 months after my 30th birthday when I took a pregnancy test and it read “pregnant 3+ weeks”. I had to do x4 tests just to make sure! This should have been the most incredible thing to ever happen to me as it is what i had always dreamed of, and it would have been if me and the father hadnt broken up 2 days prior to me finding out! I told the father and at first he ordered me to get an abortion which I couldnt and wouldnt do. I didnt understand his reaction either as I thought he would be happy after being told he couldnt have kids! I gave him space and he finally came around to the idea of me keeping it, but told me he didnt want to be in its life. I do have support from my family but I am so scared of being a single mother and I cry for my unborn child having to grow up without a father. I want this baby so much but I cant help but feel like a failure already.

    #47527 Report

    FurBag36
    Participant

    @Sofiewofie90 Hi hun, you ok?

    I’m of the same opinion as you. Being a “single mum”. I still recoil at the phrase. I hate it.

    First of all, as hard as it may be; ditch this bloke. Don’t chase him and don’t beg him. He’s selfish and you’re better off without him!

    You are going to have so much of your time and attention taken up by baby that you certainly don’t need to dwell on him or think about him!

    I know it’s heartbreaking knowing baby will not have a daddy at home growing up. My heart honestly aches for the same reason for my daughter.

    All you can do going forward is love, support and provide security for it and that’s all that matters.

    It’s good you have a support network who are there for you.

    Going forward, it’s just the rollercoaster of feelings you need to get through.

    But do not for one minute question your ability to do this. Because you will! It’ll seem hopeless now but I promise you, you will make it work for baby. Having family around you will really help with that.

    You are not a failure. Everything which happens, happens for a reason and baby is a miracle!

    Enjoy this time of growing them inside you. It’s a beautiful and magical time. It flies by too. So nurture it and cherish it.

    Don’t waste your time trying to understand his logic! Focus on you and baby.

    In the meantime, I’m here if you need a chat.

    #47531 Report

    Sophiewofie90
    Participant

    Hi Furbag36, Thank you so much for your comforting words 🙂 you are right, I do not need him and he is selfish!  I dont think i would ever understand his logic and I dont want to either. All that matters to me now is my unborn child that I already feel so much love for 🥰 Like you said, its time for me to concentrate on me and baby.

    My own mother raised 5 kids on her own and did a great job, which is why I know I can do the same and I have her full support.

    It is just very hard not to think about the future and what I will say when my child asks where their daddy is, its heartbreaking and i’m trying not to think or worry about those things just yet but its their in the back of my mind. I didnt truly understand this feeling until i’m now becoming a mother myself, it really does change your outlook on everything as I think only for my childs happiness now.

    How old is your daughter? It must be tough for you also. I guess many single mothers have the same worries when it comes to their kids!

    #47538 Report

    FurBag36
    Participant

    Hi @Sophiewofie90 I did reply to this last night but for some reason, I wrote out a massive response and then it didn’t post. The I fell asleep.

    Im glad I was able to help you to feel a little better.

    My gosh, she raised five! You know, until I had mine, I never understood how much work goes into raising a baby. I can just about handle one. So five! My hats off to her. As you say, it does change your perspective. I was always the type who would sneer when someone said their job was a “housewife”. But my gosh, doing that plus having more than one. Very commendable.

    This is something I always think about! I worry about conversations she has in the playground. I worry the children will ask her where her dad is and she can’t answer. It’s awful. It breaks my heart thinking about it.

    She is coming up to eleven months. She’s such a little gem, an absolute darling. But I’m biased. 🙂 I’m very lucky she is such a calm and easy going girl.

    We are definitely all in the same boat with regards to what we worry about hun, for sure.

    When are you due? And how did you sleep last night?

    #47544 Report

    Blue eyed boy
    Participant

    I was alone and pregnant with second after 19 years. New partner he said he had had a successful vasectomy and he hadn’t. Due to problems with cycle etc U found out when I was nearly 5 months. He is 6 months old now and I’ve been alone. Father walking in and out my life using me since we found out. I told him I had had enough of him day before we found out because he had blocked me all weekend again to smoke weed and whatever else! U can imagine the arguments when I found out I was pregnant! It turns out he lied and never gave samples!  I have a beautiful little boy and he isn’t involved. I don’t allow him to just walk in or out of our lives now! No chances can be given anymore and I registered my boy myself!
    He doesn’t care about me or his son and chose to do other things over the Christmas that I don’t think I can mention on here! He blames me to for him not being involved, yet I say he made his own choices and me and my son will be better off without him. I had to get the. mS involved because he never supported me when he was born. Never helped me when I found out either! Yet he thinks ai pushed him out. Even when I asked him to carry something for me he felt hard done too. Said I was using him when I was 8/9 months pregnant still the same. He had the cheek to through himself at me today! Was wasn’t good enough for him Christmas Day when he could of spent it with us! I’m anxious about my son growing older and asking about him too and why he was never there or why I chose not to give him any chances or trust him. It kept me awake most nights and I cried myself to sleep so many times.  I know ai love my little boy so much and can honestly say it’s not easy. It’s hard but worth it when u see there little smiles and how they develop over the weeks. I breast feed and it’s not been easy. I’m worrying at the minute about going back to work, it completely turned my life around. My eldest was off to Uni. I was a single mom then and this was my first serious relationship in such a long time. He has 3 other kids I’m the 3rd mom to his kids! He came across such a charmer and I loved the thought of having 3 step kids.  15 months later of me having to have different tests done They tried a coil and my body kept rejecting it and wasn’t helping from bleeding all the time and he told my doctors I didn’t need anything! Then when I found out I was pregnant when I went off my legs. He got worse, he made comments about him not being his. Then he wanted us. Was only to use me.

    So I worry too how it will affect my son over the years. I want no contact with him at all now! I didn’t have to give him the chances I did to change and get help but I did. Will have to be him applying to the court now. I’m not putting me and my son through that again especially with him being 6 months and remembering faces. It was bad enough before! And with the restrictions again now due to COVID! When it goes back I don’t want him as my bubble again. Rather be completely alone! We r worth more then just wasting my life holding out for that. I want to find out what I can do to help out my son over the years. Your not on your own, worries me sick how he will feel emotionally xx

    #47548 Report

    Sophiewofie90
    Participant

    @furbag36

    Hi thank you, i didnt sleep too great last night and i’ve had the dreaded morning sickness most of today 😂 i’m due at the end of August. Aw thats great that shes such a good baby, bet it makes things a little easier, and of course we’re allowed to be biased haha!…I do feel much better about things today but its like you said about the rollercoaster of emotions! X

    #47549 Report

    Sophiewofie90
    Participant

    @blue eyed boy

    Thanks for your post. Wow men will stop at nothing when lying about their fertility! I know exactly how this feels so I can imagine you were equally as shocked too when you fell pregnant. Yes you do sound better off without him and thats 1 of my worries that he will be in and out of his/her life confusing things!…We also broke up before i found out but after I told him he was still coming over to see me like things were back to normal. Then when i questioned him about it he said that me being pregnant changes nothing for him…so I told him i will only contact him in the future is its baby related bcos i’m not being used like that! It sounds like you are doing a great job though so keep it up and dont worry about him now, your baby is the only thing that matters now 😊

    #47553 Report

    Blue eyed boy
    Participant

    yes he used me like that too. He has been offered contact centres etc! He has been very good with us. In the end I was sick of the roller coaster and yes I was really shocked! If that would of been the other way round and I’d said I was taking the pill! Didn’t help his ex partner contacted me to say she thinks he never had it done didn’t help and he said I betrayed him speaking with her. Nothing I’d never his fault he twists everything. We r doing ok, and I know it would of been a lot harder if I did not have my dad. Some people r not that lucky.

    I am however lucky to have my little boy considering! Only good thing that came from the relationship. I can not imagine life without him and I have to start all over again and the first 19 years with my daughter was hard lol

    She loves him so much

    I knew I’d be on my own and financially on my own and tried to mentally prepare myself before my son came. Tried to do positive things and went for walks when pregnant in the summer and did things to make me happy due to it does effect the baby if u let it get to u. I know it’s just me and my kids and that’s all that matters

    #47554 Report

    Blue eyed boy
    Participant

    He hasn’t been  good to us I meant

    #47555 Report

    FurBag36
    Participant

    @Sophiewofie90 Try ginger tea. Ginger tea and ginger biscuits. I had awful nausea through my first trimester and the ginger really helped.

    I really am glad you feel better Sophie. I’m here whenever you need a chat ok. Keep your chin up.

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