After help, I suppose…

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Kellyjay 3 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #32137 Report

    Waterfairy
    Participant

    Hi all, Hope someone can offer some advice and I would appreciate it hearing from a females perspective. In a nutshell, 2 weeks ago my wife and I (together for 13 years, married for 5 with 1 son together) had a chat as things weren’t going to well. I originally asked back in May if everything was ok between the two of us as I’d noticed a change, in both of us, and it’s slowly got to the point that she said we’re separating. It felt like someone pulled the plug and I’ve been an emotional wreck ever since – 9th October so everything is still raw. I’m full of guilt about the times I’ve not been there for her as a husband and partner and that as well as the person I was who constantly asking if things were ok – virtually everyday – I can see now how immature and unattractive this must have been to her. Back when I said are we ok I foolishly said it was her who’s changed as she started a new role with work – she is a funeral manager – and over the years I’ve said that she’s become desensitized to emotions because of the role needed to help bereaved families etc. This was emphasized by her not shedding one tear about our separation where as I was in bits and feel like a drowning man. I couldn’t understand how she could get upset over a work colleague getting suspended but show no emotion when our marriage was fading!! It was like she didn’t care. I had changed jobs as well, I’m a firefighter, and this new role has meant seeing less of my family due to shift pattern and the initial recruits course but we both knew this before I even started. I know I’ve felt like my career was first sometimes but it never has been.

    My world is my wife and child and nothing will ever top that. Maybe my wife has felt that it has at times. I’ve been the desperate guy asking for another chance more than once and accused her of seeing someone else, every thought entered my head over these past few months, I know this doesn’t help matters but I’d do anything to get back together and be the family I always wanted. We’ve sat down and stated none of us wanted this and we wanted to be together forever. We still text each other, mainly about our son and we’re happy to discuss other things like the house and my possessions but I hate seeing her not as my wife anymore and no matter how much I keep it all in I just want to cry. I feel daft thoughts such as how can you do this after 13 years? Why aren’t you hurting like me? Why didn’t you open up and talk when I’ve been asking all these months?… She said yesterday she regrets not talking more and being quiet and she admitted that she knows she’s not the same ‘Kelly’ as she has been in the past- changed her name there -so maybe she’s thinking about it all more now – I don’t know. Being me I asked her again can you see us getting back together to which she replied ‘At the moment I can’t see us getting back together’ and it’s this comment that has got my head spinning. What does at the moment really mean? Is she saying it could resolve itself in a few months? – maybe the realisation hasnt kicked in – does it mean 6 months? Never?? I’m not expecting a xmas miracle film type of scenario and Im fully aware we might not end up together but when she says – at the moment, you’ll always be part of my life, we’lI still go out and do family things together, I never wanted this, no one can predict the future can they. it makes me feel like it’s going to resolve itself in a way I want.

    Can anyone offer any advice please, I would really appreciate your thoughts. Thank you for reading

    #32139 Report

    Craig1
    Participant

    Hi Watrtfairy. I cannot offer you advise, sorry, but I can tell you I am in the same situation. I was made redundent in July, had my wife ask for a divorce in August and she has just put our family house on the market, this week

    I was married for 22 years and have two teenage daughters who want to live with their mom.

    Everyday I tear myself apart, I have no clarity as to why? I asked my ex all the time are we OK, are their any problems to be told no everything is all right.

    My ex is also not showing any emotion towards our breakup. I am still breaking down over the silliest things, even when watching a film.

    My ex went out on Friday with mutual friends but didn’t tell me, I found out from my daughters, I have been a complete and utter wreck the weekend.

    I can say the people on this site can be very supportive.

    Just take each day as it comes and face any issues head on, don’t run away from them.

    Keep you chin up

    #32141 Report

    Kellyjay
    Participant

    Hello 😊.

    I’m guessing you felt that something was off that is why you was asking your ex’s for clarity?

    Ladies tend to get over their partners over a period of time before something breaks the camels back.

    No emotion is probably because they were numb already?

    Women can get themselves into a position to fend for their family and get things on order which empowers them grows massive strength which makes men feel inadequate?

    Or push their man away because of mental health issues?

    If you tret them right, inside you will know this and maybe give your ex’s time to miss you and want you back and use the time to show her you can live without her, get a hobby, new job, new outlook on life and be humble with it 😊

    If you feel that you could have tret them better then do the inner work to be the man she married or even better the man that you know you can be 😊.

    Loyalty is everything if you genuinly want your wives back be consistent and never give up. Be fair and fight for them ❀

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