25 August 2018 at 8:02 am #14977
I am new to this site.
My background, I have been married for 17 years and have two adorable kids, 7 & 11. Despite loving my wife more than words can say, she has cheated on me 3 times (that I know of) in the last 18 months. We are going to seperate, despite me trying everything possible to remain together. I have no local support, living parents, local friends etc, so at this moment in time I am in a very bad state emotionally, in fact I am a wreck and crying as I type this.
We reversed roles 2 years ago, when I became the stay at home parent, and my wife started work again. The house goes live on right move today, and I will have to substantially downsize but I should have enough equity to buy a basic terrace house outright without a need for mortgage. It is agreed I will have full custody of the kids, and we have agreed I take more of the equity due to this. My question is, my wife is being reasonably amicable at present, but what happens if she decides to change her mind and wants the custody of our children? Would it be sensible for me to get it in writing now? Would it be sensible to get a solicitor? I really have no idea what I should do, as I have never been in this position before, what are my options? any help / advice would be appreciated
Just a footnote to the above, you may think she has equal or more rights to their custody, but I will add, the children have been asked, and definatly would prefer to be with me, and she has a long history of shouting at the kids / mental health issues, so I am not being biased when I say they would be better off with me.
Sorry if I bored you all with this, I am in a desperate place, and if I lost my kids on top of everything else, I think I would seriously consider suicide. I look forward to any replies, and will be back later. G x25 August 2018 at 8:29 am #14978
sorry that things haven’t worked out and that you are going through a tough time. I’m sure such upheaval brings lots of anxieties and uncertainties. It’s great though that things are really amicable between you, and it sounds like you really wanted full custody and you’ve got it, so that’s great? Tbh even though you feel you need something on paper in respect of the arrangements, I’m reallt not sure what good it would do. It might be received as a hostile move and only aggravate things between you and your ex? Additionally either parent can apply to a family court at anytime to seek changes in contact arrangements so nothing is necessarily permanent. I think it’s also good to keep everything amicable so that if either of you need some flexibility you arnt court bound. What if you want to go back to work for example? I don’t think past poor mental health is a reason why your wife shouldn’t have more contact. It won’t have any bearing of a family court judgement either. Contrary to public opinion, most people do fully recover from a period of poor mental health.
Hope you feel better about it all soon.
Sarah25 August 2018 at 8:32 am #14979
Very sorry to hear about what you have been going through, I would really struggle to deal with infidelity, let alone 3 times…
I am also going through separation and have no support locally and it’s really isolating and hard. Feel free to PM whenever you want…
Have you considered using a mediator to prepare an agreement between the two of you?25 August 2018 at 1:27 pm #14986
Sarah Lou & WD
Many thanks for your time and replies.
I guess the amicable route maybe best, as i’m new to this I was not sure that a court order needed to be obtained or whether it was optional. I have neglected this side of things as I have been trying to use what concentration I have, to find the kids and me a new home. I have not got a problem with her seeing them whenever she is free, so I am presuming no agreement or court order would be neccasary?
Yes I know mental health shouldn’t be an issue, but it can get quite severe, with her taking it out on the kids. The amount of times I have defended her to them after she has screamed at them for no logical reason is astronomical. I know that will never change, she has been like it for 1 week a month for 17 years. Counselling, docs etc, have made no difference. She can be terrifying, but for all her faults she will always be the love of my life, and I would have her back at the drop of a hat, despite the damage (mentally) she has caused me (She even hit me for the very first time last week, but I still adore her) Sorry, you don’t need to know these details, guess I am just unloading a little. Anyway we have discussed it at length, and come to the conclusion they would be far happier with me (and they are when asked)
My day to day life is absolute hell. I think about nothing else but ways to save my marriage, though I know deep down there is no hope. I think its worse because its the school hols, and I am rattling around the house. I should have been away this week and next, with the kids, but on top of everything I have going on, my dad died ten days ago. I have lost both my parents in the last 18 months. So our holiday was obviously cancelled. I am mentally strong, and spent 15 years as a prison officer, but this is absolutley destroying my mind. The saddest part is, I am constantly looking at the time, every minute, and waiting for her to come home. I know she should be finished by 2.30pm today, but she is usually “delayed”, and you don’t need to be a genius to work out where she usually goes. I live in the faintest hope we will work things out. I wish I could let go, but I love her so much. I feel dead. Sorry to anyone who reads this. My mojo has gone.26 August 2018 at 2:13 pm #15003
I spent 10 years thinking my ex husband would change and come home. So I suggest that you don’t waste your time thinking of your wife . Get on with your life and forget her. Honestly she is not worth it. She is enjoying her life and is not bothered about your feelings. Time to move on!26 August 2018 at 3:21 pm #15004
Only you can know what is the right step, but I would encourage you to think about yourself too. You look after your partner, you look after yourself, who looks after you?!
You deserve it, but even if that’s not motivating enough. Your children need a healthy dad. Emotionally and mentally so you looking after yourself is equally you looking after them.31 August 2018 at 1:43 pm #15252
Thank you for sharing your situation and welcome to the Gingerbread online forum.
We’re sorry that this is such a difficult time for you – we can see you’re struggling and we hear you. You aren’t alone with what you’re going through and it’s really important that you keep yourself safe, well and reach out for the help you deserve. Just to let you know, we’ve dropped you an email with some information that may be good to look at.
It looks like other forum users have some great ideas and responses and we’re really glad that you’re part of our amazing community of single parents. Keep chatting on the forum if you’d like to, and we encourage everyone to be supportive and welcoming to parents who need a helping hand.
Take care of yourself.
Poppy at Gingerbread