Advice wanted please
7 February 2019 at 9:08 pm #20734
My ten month old was conceived as a result of an affair I had with a married man. Before I had her we’d agreed I wouldn’t ever let on who he was, but now I have her I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to ever lie to her, so when is the best time to have it all come out in the open? Her father and i don’t talk but are on good terms, if I pushed for him to tell his partner he would. They have three young children. I kind of want it all out in the open whilst my child is young so any nastiness goes over their head, and so I don’t have to sit a ten year old down and explain the whole story. And at the same time I don’t want to wreck a family life (should have thought of that I know, but it’s happened now) What would you do?8 February 2019 at 10:01 am #20741
As harsh as this is, you don’t really have any rights over what her father does or doesn’t do.
Obviously you can tell you child who their father is from day dot. It doesn’t mean that he has to tell his family about her and tbh he laid his cards on the table that he has no intention to do so from the outset.
I assume he has no contact and think that you need to tell your daughter what you wish. But purposely trying to get him to acknowledge her and blow his family apart is malicious given that you knew he was a married man. And yes it does mean he gets to keep his cushy life, but that’s really as a result of the life choices you both made… Surely those young children with two parents is better than none of the three children?8 February 2019 at 10:42 am #20743
In any situation where there is no definitive answer, and as Solomummy said above, with no control over what is said by the father, and as you say you had both agreed what to do beforehand…the thing that makes most sense to use as a guide would be that of the Hippocratic Oath: “First do no harm”.
You don’t want to make a situation worse nor create a bad one.
19 June 2019 at 1:09 pm #26653
- This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by welshdad.
have only just received notifications of your replies so I apologise for such a lengthy delay. Are you both suggesting that I never tell my daughter who her father is? What kind of impact do you think that would have on her? I’ve no malicious intent towards her father nor do I wish to ruin his other childrens’ lives – but what’s best for my daughter is the only priority to me19 June 2019 at 1:18 pm #26654
I think you’re right in that you want to be honest with your little one, however the agreement has to be honoured in some form so I suggest that you speak to the dad and explain that your going to tell your child about him but that your not expecting him to be a proper dad to her. Eventually things may come out, your daughter when old enough might want to find him etc but hopefully by then his other children will be old enough to understand.
Mark19 June 2019 at 5:21 pm #26663
You can tell your daughter his name and, if you have one, put his photo in a frame so she can see it.
You can’t go too wrong with telling the truth but I would just tell your daughter. His wife will not be happy to learn of this affair. It may be hard but I would let him decide how involved he wants to be 🙂20 June 2019 at 4:07 am #26672
Hi Enna, I agree with Bluebird.
Your daughter will ask at some point who her daddy is and you need to be truthful in an age appropriate way.
She will need facts to share with her little friends at school such as “he’s called Peter Smith, he has brown hair & blue eyes and likes tennis etc.” Make sure you have a photo for her. While she is little that will probably be enough.
As she gets older she will ask more and you should be honest. Whatever his circumstances he has to accept that she may look for him when she is older.20 June 2019 at 11:19 am #26680
Secrets like this tend to come out in the end . Your daughter needs to know who her father is.also she has siblings so whilst you are being respectful not to hurt anyone’s feelings your ex partner has a rosy comfortable life & his wife is oblivious to his past.
I’m not saying storm round there with child but you know people should take responsibility for their actions!it’s all very well people on here dishing out advice but they don’t live your life or walk in your shoes.20 June 2019 at 4:18 pm #26696
I’m sorry but why should you have to hide the fact your daugthers exists. Yes you did the wrong thing by having an affair but your daugther shouldn’t pay for it. He may not want to be involved with her childhood but she has siblings out there, god forbid in the future she comes home with a new boyfriend who turns out to be her half brother. I think its best to get this out in the open now whule she is too young to understand whats happening rather than deal with rejection as a teenager or adult. How doesn’t his wife already know, how os he explaining maintance payments to you. Even if he wants no involvement he has a duty to you & your child to provide for his daugther. He choose to have an affiar, he made his bed & needs to lie in it. His poor wife needs to know the truth.