Advice regarding permission to leave country
13 June 2019 at 9:49 am #26389
I am in need for some advice please you kind people on my phone.
A while back I separated from my ex partner. My ex partner decided to leave home and go stayed at his mother for a while, then he came back, then he went again. I understand that at the start of a separation things are not ideal so lets pass on that. We also had holidays booked and he wanted to come along. Although i said to him that it wasnt a great idea considering we were going to visit my home country/ family, I didnt argue much because I want to be nice and accommodating to the father of my child. Thinking that I wouldnt want my child to be taken away from me for 2 weeks either.
Financially we owe a lot of money for the house, meaning that if he doesnt contribtute I am unable to pay all the mortgage my self, and if he rents elsewhere he cant pay his part of the mortgage. If i borrow money and cover all the expenses my self will he still get 50% of the sale of the house? i dont know but i dont want to lose more money.
The most important is that i want to go back to my country. When we were on holidays are child had an amazing time with my family and the children and I think that its 100% better there. In UK , i am totally isolated and alone and so is our son. We see my ex partners family every 3-4 months at best except his mum that lives close. After our separation, I am all alone and I have no support as everyone I know are back home and of course I couldnt ask for help, support from my ex family.
I went to a lawyer for an advice because I am really struggling emotionally but the lawyer said it my cost me up to 10k and I might lose as well.
The whole situation make me anxious and scared I will end up alone in UK. My ex says stuff to me like ‘live child here and go back and you can visit’ or ‘i cant live my friends and family’ or ‘you came here first’.
Anyone has an advice for me ?
Thank you13 June 2019 at 4:39 pm #26405
It sounds like you could do with some structured advice. You can always contact our single parent helpline and they should be able to help you explore your options. I am also including another couple of contacts. They hopefully will be able to help you with legal advice. Hope this helps.
Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline – Freephone 0808 802 0925 Opening hours: Mon 10 – 6, Tues 10- 4, Wed 10 – 1 & 5 – 7, Thurs 10 – 4, Fri 10 – 4 They can be busy so callers can expect to wait up to 20 minutes before the call is answered.
Rights of Women: https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/ Free, confidential legal advice by telephone for women on a wide variety of issues.
Child Law advice service https://childlawadvice.org.uk/ – they again provide legal advice on family law issues related to children, so if you are thinking of stopping contact they have information on their website about this, and a helpline staffed by legal specialists 0300 330 548015 June 2019 at 8:07 am #26460
Where is your country?
Its not a certain thing that you’d get permission to leave via court especially as the father wishes to be involved and is offering that you can return and be the non resident parent visiting the child. Which isn’t what you want but is as equally as reasonable as what you want!
Though your argument of support network for you etc is good, you’d have to show how you would ensure that the father child relationship remained strong and lots of contact. Many are ordered to pay air fares etc for the child and other parent as it’s you creating the barriers. Could you feasibly manage monthly airfares? Possibly even accommodation?
Your ex financially is responsible for the mortgage as are you. And it may be that you both need tovseek financial advice about this ASAP. As if it is repossessed neither of you gain and if you cannot manage it downsizing ur moving to a cheaper area is preferable than racking up debt.
Uktimarely though your child benefits from your family being local can you really say that this outweighs the benefit of seeing his dad regularly? From your post the focus is on your needs and a court would only be interested in the best needs of your child. Which maybe very different.17 June 2019 at 8:55 am #26526
I am from Cyprus.
The father wishes to be involved and by all means I am not willing to stop him but I will encourage this. The deal he offered for me to visit is not feasible and he knows it as noone here in UK will be willing to assist him bringing up our child. Also he knows I do 90% of the parenting and he knows I will never leave our child.
The support network is not just for me, in fact initially is for our child. I have a big family that I grew up with and we are very close to each other and so is the children. I offered to my ex 1)work things out between us 2) relocate with me and he can visit often his family and friends 3)let me go and until our child is old enough I am willing to visit for all my 20days holidays I will have from work. On top, I offer accommodation in Cyprus , a support system for him as well, help with the tickets as much as I can and also, he can keep the house. I am talking about daily contact, going to English School etc. What bothers me is that he only offers (realistically) me to stay in the country.
I really dont want to end up in Court because I think it will destroy both of us. We will lose money we dont have and at the end one parent will lose resenting the other one. I dont want a Court to make decisions about us and our child, since we know each other better.
The finances is not terribly important right now as I think sooner or later it will be resolved.
Why wouldnt they allow a woman to go back to her country. This is not fair and its pretty much a trap. Especially is the separation is not my decision
thank you17 June 2019 at 9:42 am #26529
Thank you Justine, i will contact them17 June 2019 at 9:46 am #26530
The reason being that you opted to have a child with a UK national in the UK. As such he does have the right to try and block such a move. Your child is British by birth. With the whole brexit issue this isn’t as cleat cut as before.
As much as what you say you’re offering sounds great from your perspective, it’s not sustainable to say you’ll use all 20 days holidays, that’s not reality longterm. Likewise help as much as you can with the tickets is not “fair” either as that suggests he will be liable for the majority which could be £200 a time. To see his child.
The home situation is generous assuming that this is of some real value, but doesn’t actually give him anything liquid just capital to be at the same point he is in right now. A home.
Regardless of whether you think his request is reasonable he doesn’t see yours as reasonable.
You’re right in trying to negate what he will say, by saying will have ano English school etc. But you really need to plan out how you will mitigate the rest. Eg how frequently and for how long will he get to see his child? Weekly Skype? Guarantee that you will pay say 2 years of flights for this schedule you propose. Etc.17 June 2019 at 9:57 am #26532
You are right, i need to have by the sounds of it more specific plan to propose.
Regarding the holiday, I could use all the holiday to make sure our child sees dad, until our child can travel alone.
Also, the tickets, if booked in advance you could pay only £50. I could suggest further to not pay child maintenance and use the money to visit?
Skype contact could and i think should be every night. With the technology and internet everywhere I see no reason not to?
About the home… He doesnt earn much so , if I take the home I doubt it he will be ever in a position to buy a house now. I put down the deposit and paid the fees.
This is such a nightmare for everyone17 June 2019 at 7:04 pm #26560
It is a horrible time for you all and sadly one of you will lose more than the other.
Try to make a plan and keep it child focussed.
Good luck.18 June 2019 at 10:48 am #26583
Hi Manica, I am in a similar situation (I come from a Mediterranean country and I believe I know what you mean in terms of having family around), however I came to the conclusion it would be really unfair on my children. Obviously all depends on the circumstances, but you’d have to prove you will be able to support financially your children there and how, you’ll provide suitable accommodation and why it’d be better for the children there. My kids are British, I have been living here for over a decade, I built a good network and I have a permanent job here (which I wouldn’t be able to have back home). The main point however is that they have a father who wants to be involved and taking that from them would be a mistake on my part. Sunshine and cousins are important, but a loving father is more important and children do come first.Whatever decision you make, it’ll take time to implement it. So I’d suggest building the network you need in the UK in the meantime as this would help massively in the time being. Good luck with your choice18 June 2019 at 11:03 am #26585
You are right, if my child was 10 even started school I wouldn’t think the same. Its more difficult as they get older
However my child just turned two and not him or me have a circle. His dad will go out and meet his family and all and we are at home.
Financially I came to the conclusion that I am better off there because I already have a place to stay.
I dont want to take their father away, but i think he already removed himself from the picture, he is not offering any financial support his effort is below minimum
Also dad says that wants to get involved and all but he is not actually being involved. ie: he doesnt spend his time off with him but only the time he wants to which is 1-2 hours a day if that. For example now he is on holiday for 3 days and last night i called him to ask if he wanted to speak to our child and he said : I will not need to speak to you until i am back. That really pissed me off to tell you the truth. What kind of father that wants to be involved says that? I actually came to think that he wants me around to raise our child while he lives his life.
I dont think he cares about our child but he cares about making me miserable.18 June 2019 at 12:07 pm #26587
Hi Manica, I would advise consulting a lawyer and do a lot of prep. You will be requested to prove that moving is in the interest of the child and the father is still having daily contact (not sure about the telephone call, to be honest. I don’t think talking with a 2yo over the phone would make a lot of sense. But I know what you mean, he could have made an effort). Is there a reason why you don’t have a network? if you live in a small town, maybe moving somewhere bigger where there are plenty of activities for children going on so you can also socialise with other parents? I live in a medium sized city and there is a big community of my nationality, which helps a lot.18 June 2019 at 12:16 pm #26588
thank you for the message.
We were initially living elsewhere where i had friends but we moved to this area to be close to his friends and family and buy a house since we were having a baby. After I gave birth I am not as social and also I have a child which limits the times I can go out. Also.. not a lot of people around from where I come from. I know a few but they are all couples and not into socializing. Also, noone liked my ex so we dont meet much. Even if i moved back to where i have friends and a GR community it will be as difficult for the father to visit as to come to my home country… ( i thought of that)
Dont get me wrong, I know people here. But its not the same as family. Friends will visit and we will meet them but families are different. It takes a village to raise a child and me and my mother is hardly a village.. .