Advice Please

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  SingleT 6 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #27360 Report



    this is difficult. I look after my son 13 every weekend and every day and night of the school holidays. Over the last year it’s worked out at 180 nights with me. In addition I bought all school uniform, rugby kit, all his non school clothes, lunchbox water bottle, computer for I pad. Set up a bank account for him, pay for school trips, take on holiday and virtually everything. My ex works part time and has never dropped him or collected him at mine. Everything I raise I’m accused of bullying or harassing. I pay £200 a month and child maintenance service advice that wouldn’t make a ruling. I just know if I raise this I will be accused of all sorts which is unfounded, harassment, bullying and everything. We haven’t spoken in ages and haven’t seen ex since we split. Additionally my ex leaves our son every week one night with elderly relative. I feel this isn’t safe and surely every weekend and all school holidays is enough free time ? Thoughts please ?

    #27362 Report


    Hi Dave

    you sound like a great dad and your son is very lucky to get so much time with you.

    Can I put a different spin on it? And I hope I don’t cause offence.

    £200 is roughly £50 per week. That’s to contribute to bills, including food. I have a 15 year old son and I could spend £50 a week just on food for him! He does a lot of sport and needs the calories, he never seems to be full 😂

    Howver, he is 13 and therefore maybe your ex needs to increase her hours? He’ll become more independent in just a few months.

    Maybe you could try mediation?

    I hope you get it sorted x

    #27365 Report


    Thanks but she refuses mediation. Ex works part time and has good take home salary with very low mortgage. I do not in any way mind paying towards my son however as he is with me more nights and days it seems unfair. Each day with me is a full day so that adds up. Plus the clothes and pocket money etc. I also have to ensure he has the same standard of life with me as per former matrimonial home. As far as I can tell research wise, we are both financially responsible for our son. Yet I can’t see any contributions from his mum. Especially as she spends so little time with him. Just feels I have become the primary carer and am still paying. Yet if I raise the issue it starts WW3….. Child maintenance service state they won’t allocate the term paying parent to either of us and it’s minimum 50/50 care. Life is challenging and the acrimony is really hurting me. I do see your view.

    #27366 Report


    Thanks for not taking offence.

    And I see yours more clearly now. You cannot be held to ransom just because she kicks off although tough isn’t it as you want it to be calm for your son. Trust me, I get that bit!

    Are you in the process of divorce? If so, can that be sorted as part of the financial settlement? If you’re not at that stage, then get an hour’s free advice from a solicitor. And keep a record of every penny you spend. I know it sounds ludricous but it comes down to cold hard facts. I learnt that the hard way in the beginning. My ex earns 5x more than me and expects me to go halves on school trips, uniform etc. So I started recording the every day stuff. x

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