Advice please?

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    This is my 1st day of membership. I have been married for 21yrs and have a 15 and a 20yr old. I have given my absolute all during this time. My husband has chosen friends and anyone else repeatedly over our family he does not have anything to do in support of either me or the kids. I have finally woken up over the past 2 years and want to move on before it is too late to build myself a new life (no man). Is it too close to Christmas to leave?

    #46350 Report


    I think the relevance of Christmas is the least of your worries.

    Your focus at the moment should be your own wellbeing and that of your youngest as technically your eldest is an adult.

    If you were to leave do you  have somewehre you can go?  Have you discussed this with your friends and other family / whoever would be your support once you leave?  Due to Covid things are going to be tough right now when it comes to logistics but from experience I can tell you that trying to find somewhere to live right now is not easy, it’s the worst possible time to try and find a new home (my landlord gave notice and I’m searching for a home at moment).

    If you are in any danger or suffering any kind of physical or psychological abuse then don’t think twice and there are services to help you find somewhere but I’m not sure what’s available if you simply just want to leave.  Would you have the support of your kids if you wanted to leave?  Are they wanting to leave too or would it  be a discussion between you who would have custody etc?

    Think of the impact on your  youngest primarily …. but just try to ignore Chrismas at the moment and play it out as if it was any other time of year during a pandemic because that will be the biggest impact not how close it is to Christmas.  Think of the practicalities and how you will cope once you leave, how you will sort living day to day, visitation…. finances….. etc… and then factor in the lockdown ….  staying together just cause it’s Christmas is as bad an argument as staying together “for the sake of the kids”….. it just doesn’t hold  water.

    So ignore the time of year and focus on the basics…. roof over your head, food on the table etc… and being safe for you and the kids. If you can provide all the above and have thought things through then go through list of pros and cons…. and if it’s the right move for you then do it.  There is never a good time to split up, and waiting until after Christmas just means you are going through motions and trying to live a lie, and it’s going to be a stressful time this year as it is and probably in your cirucmstances a very lonely one.

    Mental health is hard enough as it is during the pandemic, and if you are feeling strong right now then it may  be  best to strike while  the iron is hot and you have the motivation.  Do talk to whoever would be your support network and who your nominated “support bubble” would be once you leave,  as this will likely affect them too, and if you know they have your back it might help you make your decision (whenever you do decide to leave), as you will know what support you have availble once you do.

    Hope things work out for you for the best.

    #46359 Report


    Thanks welshdad. I thought I had a limit on the characters in my post so did not include even a fraction of what I really wanted to say!

    I have a place to stay lined up and it is with my support bubble to try and ease some of the damage on the kids. I am financially independent. The biggest issue that I have is that he has threatened to kill himself if I leave. He has an addiction and mental health issues both of which he refuses to acknowledge and the mood swings etc are screwing the youngest up. He is a boy and just wants a dad. It is very sad but I have asked for him to seek help many times. He says he doesn’t need it. Thanks for the perspective you are right it doesn’t matter when really. Lockdown Christmas I guess there will always be something if I let it, i do feel strong and my support bubble are totally amazing so I just need to be brave and do it.

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