Advice on telling the kids

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  • #12963 Report

    Ablfc
    Participant

    Hi I’m a dad of 3 and it has reached the point we’re myself and my wife are no longer living with each other properly and I’m going to have to tell the kids 7, 4, 2.

    how do I go about it?

    some brif background.

    wife has affair in November/December and we split.

    We decide to try and co habit for the sake of the kids and she regularly brings her new fella back to the house. Kids know we arnt together.

    Eldest starts to show signs that the situation is haveing a bad effect on her and I stop him coming to the house or being around my kids.

    i point out I still love her as we spend family time together and are injoying each others company, she says she’s willing to try and make it work between us but is still seeing him also.

    i point out that I’m no longer willing to share and she has to make a  decision between him or my self. She picks him.

    i tell her she has to move out but will be fair with the kids we have every other weekend and she sees them 2 mornings one week and 3 mornings the following week. (Mornings due to her work) and I’ve said she can sleep hear the nights before her mornings during the week but rest of time and weekends she not hear.

    This is going to be the first weekend that the kids will be home with me with me and mum won’t be around and my eldest has realised somthing is up. Just want some advice on how to tell them we no longer live together.

    #12983 Report

    H
    Participant

    Can i ask why your becoming resident parent and not mum and that is not be being rude but yes I understand you are just as important being dad but normally children stay with there mum or atleast should be given the choice and do not take that the wrong way because if there is more too it than what you have said then I agree but you haven’t mentioned drugs or alcohol or abuse or neglect or was this a mutual decision?

    #12984 Report

    Ablfc
    Participant

    I’ve been the house husband for the last 3 years, I e been the only one to do the bed time  routine for the past 7 years. I am the one who gets up every morning to get them ready for school.

    at the moment her shift is 2-11 and after agreeing she could stay after work to see the kids in the morning this week she arrived at 6:20 am and fell asleep on the sofa and the second day this week she arrived at 3:20 am and upon me waking her at 7:20 when all the kids were awake she didn’t come down stairs till 8. She is currently spending all the nights she’s not here at her fellas house, but is hardly making the effort to spend time with them. (Has even not bothered to phone them on days she’s not been hear after promising). I’ve always been the more hands on  Parent and am hating the fact that there are days that I’m not going to be with them, because I became a dad to be there for them. I’ve tried to live in the same house as her for six months. I’ve had her sleeping with him and walking round my house in his boxers. I’ve tried to get back together with her but I can only take and try so much.

    Yes I said enough and I said she has to go, but I’ve come up with a fair system that benefits the kids, allows her to still sleep hear after work (when she turns up).

    i want her to be part of there lives and hate that there will be moments that there not part of mine but just because I’m a man I shouldn’t be the primary career?

    im no deadbeat dad, and will never be.

    even when we were still living together she went a week with out seeing our 7year old as work and spending the weekend in a hotel with him was more important.

     

    #12985 Report

    H
    Participant

    That’s not what I meant I just asked as normally children stay with there mum if it went to court they would even ask the same question as my sister’s ex wanted full custody and they said the children will stay with there mum.

     

    I am a single mum of 2 my ex also had 2 affairs which is why we are no longer married he is always letting them down and doesn’t think twice on going somewhere with her eventhough it was meant to be his time with the boys so I know exactly how you feel I was just wondering why you had that arrangement I did not mean or want to upset you.

     

    Sorry if I have

    #12990 Report

    Ablfc
    Participant

    Basically I came up with the option and she agreed to it all. She used to say she wouldn’t let me have them and that she would give up work to be the primary pearent, but in truth she was only trying to emotionally control me, like when I was showing signs that I was pulling away from her emotionally she would  initiate sex between us. I love the woman she’s the only woman I’ve said the words I love you to, but I can’t live with her and keep falling back in to bed with her, I was the only one doing any household  chores and she was coming and going as she pleased, social services were  briefly involved and noted that I was the one doing the majority of the work.

    it hurts me that the love of my life as hurt me badly, but it hurts me more that she would rather stay out till the early hours with her fella and be 2 tired to get up that little bit earlier to spend time with her kids. She even sat upstairs yesterday after the younger 2 got back from  nursery saying she was going to pack some stuff before she left and sat on her bed playing on her iPad. She was up there for an hour when 2 of her 3 kids were downstairs. I called her when our son said a new word “ awesome” and she came down saying she’d fallen asleep. Then grabbed some stuff and left. She doesn’t see them today but will see them Friday. On the rare occasions that the kids weren’t with me when we were together (night out or they’d gone away with her) I always phoned at bed time and would read the last bed time story over the phone (I know it off by heart).

    basicly if she was more interested she would try harder with them and put up a fight. The song I’ll keep the kids fits the situation.

    #12995 Report

    Ablfc
    Participant

    Ps if she changes her hours so that she can spend more time with them during the week or overnights I’m happy to allow that   Up to seven nights over a 2 week period (only one weekend of the 2). I’m not trying to  preventer her from seeing them in anyway.

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