Advice on contact arrangements

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  • #36286 Report

    S80
    Participant

    Hi. I am writing to seek advice on how other single parents arrange contact days with their ex. I have a court order in place and have given it a try but it is not working so I am applying court application to vary the order.

    I would like to know how other single co parent split/share weekends, half-term, summer holidays and Christmas holiday with your children.

    At the moment my ex and I have a 4 week pattern, where he sees our son 3 weekends out of 4 a month. In 2021 it will change to alternate weekends when our son is in reception class. Every half term he has an additional 2 days and Easter 3 additional days. Christmas additional 3 days. Then the summer holidays are shared between us. The additional days have to be agreed between us but he never cooperate or compromise because he always choose the weekend I have our son.

    So I am taking him to court to get a more rigid order so every year the days are fixed and we both know where we stand.

    I would like to know how other parents share contact days to give me an idea of how I can make things easier for me and my ex.

    #36287 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    My ex sees our son for 8 hours every Sunday. He takes him to lunch, they play chess etc.

    He usually has him for five days during two half terms, for a week in the summer holiday, a few days at Easter and a few more between Xmas & new year. Maybe 30 nights a year. It’s all he will do regardless of what else I suggest.  Son lives with me for the rest.

    I help son with homework, birthday parties, play dates, school uniform buying, teaching son to swim & ride a bike etc, Ex does nothing, so I expect him at least to stick to plans or give decent notice.

    Definitely go to court and get access days set in stone. Then you can avoid arguments. Either your ex shows up on those days or he doesn’t.

    #36307 Report

    S80
    Participant

    Thanks for sharing kathymumofone.

    I have worked out that at the moment my ex sees our son 70 days a year. He’s still requesting extra days but I just think that I have been fair. Our son is still only 3 and I think it’s very important that he has a proper routine at home and for school. Baring in mind my ex works shift hours and works away so he commutes to Yeovil everyday from Cardiff. He has also been late picking up our son and has fallen asleep several times at handover causing him to be an hour late.

    Are there anybody else who can give assistance please ?

    #36311 Report

    S80
    Participant

    Also I would like to know how you all communicate with your ex partners? We are using emails but I don’t like his tone and he can be very controlling and hostile. I am trying to minimise communication with my ex because he is rude, aggressive and still tries to control me. I am trying to free myself from all of that because I want my life back but I still feel like he is trying to keep me on the leash. He is beginning to control our son’s mind and I don’t like it one bit. For example a month ago our son took a boy baby doll away with his dad for the weekend and my ex sent me a hostile email saying that he didn’t want our son playing with dolls and never to bring toys over to his house. He told our son that it is girls toys and only girls play with dolls. I mean how pathetic is that. My son told me this and he said it again the on Friday when he was going to his dad and he said that dad doesn’t want me to play with the doll. I said to my ex that our son can play with whatever toys that makes him happy. It is my son’s happiness that is my priority.

    It’s things like this I don’t like. I have asked him to only email me regarding contact arrangements and my solicitor also sent him a reminder letter about this, as it states in the order but he continues to send me emails that are unnecessary. My ex is a bully and controlling.

    Any advice please?

    #36327 Report

    Belsey
    Participant

    My ex has our daughter 2 weekends a month. Sorting childcare during the school holidays falls to me to sort so it’s a combination of the childminder, my family helping or I take time off work. I have to ask him if he plans to have our daughter during the school holidays; it’s like pulling teeth.

    #36328 Report

    S80
    Participant

    Sounds like your ex is not bothered. That must be hard for you.

    The problem with my ex is he is controlling and wants to make sure that he controls me at all times. So he doesn’t like the fact that I tend to make most of the decisions. Even though I try to include him but he rather be in control.  He is a very difficult man. Even though we have a court order I try to explain to my ex that it is also good to be flexible because our son will change as he grows up plus our circumstances in life will also change but he will always say that we must stick to the court order. It’s hard for me when my ex just don’t understand and always put himself first rather that our son.

    #36352 Report

    donmarie
    Participant

    My ex has our 4yr old overnight on a Tuesday and a Thursday and then either a Friday or a Saturday and we alternate the weekend the following week.

    Although I am now considering seeing if we can change this as I feel we don’t get a full day with our son on a weekend due to handover. I’m also worried about stability for our son and making sure he has a good routine I just can’t bear the thought of not seeing him for more than a couple of night especially when I want to resolve things and he doesn’t.

    We are on good terms so I’m sure he would talk about alternative arrangements but I feel he has made me a PT mum when I never wanted that.

    I don’t want to stop him seeing him or reduce but just want it to work better for us all and it’s hard when all this is very new and raw.

    #36359 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    I communicate with ex via a separate email address.  Basic “see you Sunday” “could you swap next weekend” type emails.  All holiday arrangements are agreed this way.  it avoids confusion, and I keep all emails as a record.

    Ex can be snide and bullying but I just ignore it.  We have to survive 18 years of co-parenting and if calling me names makes him feel better, I really can’t be bothered to worry about it.  And if I don’t respond and just ignore his childishness, well the moral high ground is a nice place to be.

    #36360 Report

    SLM19
    Participant

    Hello there! My little girl is 2 and I have a contact arrangement order with my ex husband whereby he has overnight contact every other weekend (Fri – Mon morning), and alternating weds overnight. From Sept 2021, he will increase this contact to weekly weds overnight contact, in addition to his every other weekend. All school holidays are to be split 50/50 and we alternate Xmas each year (I e. Xmas eve to boxing day morning). This is isn’t what I wanted or expected, but it is what it is and as long as my daughter is happy and well looked after, hopefully all will work out. We communicate through WhatsApp, having attempted an app that didn’t work, however having mastered the art of holding my tongue and not rising to the bait, it’s very tough. My ex husband sounds very similar.

    I totally understand about feeling like a part time mum, it’s the hardest thing

    X

    #36381 Report

    Ophelia83
    Participant

    Hi all, I have a court order in place and my ex sees our daughter every other Sunday and picks her up from school on Mondays. No holiday time was mentioned in the agreement and he has not asked for anything in particular. He works shifts so I imagine this isn’t convenient. The court order did allow for over night but he still hasn’t found a flat by himself so not happening yet.

    He tends to go on holiday when he likes so in 2019 basically he saw our daughter 17 out of 25 Sundays and picked her up 24 out of 26 Mondays! Clearly the order isn’t working. Is it easy to go back to court? What is the likely outcome going to be? I went to court as soon as we split to get a more rigid agreement so he would commit but he prioritises going abroad to visit is parents and therefore a third of the time he cancels visits… usually the same morning or night before at best if he’s gone abroad.

    I am frustrated as he is controlling and alienating towards me. He moans a lot with our daughter when they are together and she comes home asking all sorts of questions and confused.

    Any advice much appreciated.

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