Advice on access

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  • #21428 Report


    Just looking for advice from anyone that has been in a similar situation.

    My ex and I have been separated for a while now. Amongst the many reasons, we split mainly due to his unwillingness to get support for his addiction issues. At times I’d say he was clean but his behaviour is still erratic.

    I’ve tried everything I can to support a relationship between our child and my ex since the separation. His behaviour never really improved but I allowed supervised access with his family so that our child could still spend time with him. He has never really spent more than 12 hours once a week with our child despite my offers of more time.

    We now seem to be in a pattern where things go smoothly, he calls regularly and sees our child once a week to disappearing off the face of the earth when he’s due to have our child meaning he doesn’t see/speak to them for a month or so because he doesn’t want to face me.

    I’m torn between allowing access to continue with someone who is just going to repeatedly let our child down (we are now on our 5th event of this type in a year) or stopping it completely. They are under 10 years old so too young to explain to. I just feel terrible as I’m having to lie to them about where their father is and they are absolutely distraught each time it happens.

    I think we are at court/mediation stage to try to get some regularity and consistency  organised. Did anyone else go this route and did it help?

    #21532 Report


    The trouble is court access defines when visits/ access should take place. It doesn’t force your ex to show up.

    you could try mediation, to try to get across to ex the hurt he causes every time he doesn’t show.

    #21534 Report


    Mediation is the way to go – it’s not binding, but maybe you could with mediation negotiate some kind of responsibility understanding.

    #21536 Report


    Thank you both. My thinking was an external person would help us set the rules and consequences so it’s clear from the start. Then I know where I stand if he breaks the rules but more importantly, so does he.

    Fed up of the hamster wheel he is putting our child through.

    Just hoping he’ll engage.

    #21677 Report

    Vanilla Ice

    Mmmm Im reading this and agree mediation is the best way as the court order is not great..makes you the mother hold all the responsibilty and they will only get Cafcass involved and they are liars.. The fathers get away with everything..

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