Advice Needed Please (apologies for long post)
21 October 2018 at 5:31 pm #17056
So, it’s been 11 weeks since I asked my partner to leave due to unreasonable behaviour and try as I may his unreasonable behaviour continues. We have 2 children, my boy is 6 and daughter is 1. He is currently staying with family and at first he was seeing and having my son there for the weekend and our daughter just for a few hours. His family found it to much so a few weeks ago and didn’t want the extra ‘company’ so the last weekend he checked into hotel so he could have just our son. He collected him on Friday about 6;30pm and was supposed to be picking his daughter up at 11am on the Saturday and giving me £100 towards the children (£50 for the previously week and £50 for that week). May I add at this point he earns £400 after tax and N.I, according to child maintenance he should pay £69 per week. On the morning of Saturday I received a text to say he wasn’t collecting his daughter because it was raining and later a call to go and collect our son as he was ‘bored” it was 3pm he refused to give me any money. It turns out his dad was going out which is completly fine but he hasn’t been paying anything towards his children (separated 10 weeks by this point). On the Monday my ex messaged me saying that he couldn’t afford no more hotels and the money he spent in hotels could have gone towards his children. I thought finally!! I agreed that he shouldn’t be wasting money on hotels and until he gets his own place he should see BOTH children during the day on a Saturday until he gets settled. So Friday just gone he puts £50 into my account and £25 towards our sons birthday party and he’s been amicable all week. Saturday morning I ask him if he would mind picking up some sudocream for our little 1 (sore bum due to teething) anyway he arrives with flowers, perfume (off the children apparently) and the sudocream and a little jacket for our daughter. I explained he really didn’t need to do that but thanked both him and the children. He has also asked me to go and stay in a hotel for a weekend in separate rooms if I would like too. I explained as he has not been very amicable (hurling abuse at me I hate you etc via text) that I don’t want to give him mixed signals it probably wouldn’t be for the best but I would consider for the children’s sake in separate rooms. So getting back to Saturday, I have to go and collect a gift for our sons birthday and food shopping but our daughter needs to sleep, so my ex asks if he can wait until she has slept before taking the children to a wacky warehouse. As I was not going to be there I agreed that when I got back they would leave. I was gone roughly and hour and a half and on my return he went to get the bus to take the children and about 30mins later I had a phone call from my ex asking to use my car to go to a different wacky as it was busy (I refused as he was no longer on the insurance). Within 5 mins I had another call asking me to go and collect the children as he was going to borrow his brothers car (So much for my break for a few hours). On collection he asked me if I would drop him off there as he could just put the children in the car and go to a wacky. On our way, our son asks for a McDonald’s (dad pays and get me food although I said no thank you) our son asks if dad can stay that night for us 4 to watch a film. I explained to our son that Daddy doesn’t live with us anymore but he could perhaps watch a film or go to the pictures next weekend with his dad and that my son and I could watch a film in his bed that night. This is where it went completly awful. My ex turned to pur son and told him your mom doesn’t love me anymore and soon she will meet someone else and so will daddy (I interrupted and said this is not an appropriate conversation to have with an almost 6 year old). He then proceeded to shout at me saying all I want is his money and he could of had a chance with someone new last weekend but that he has wasted his time on me and that he wanted dropping off at the bus stop. I sadly retaliated at this point and said cheap perfume and flowers was not something I asked him to get or needed (i wish I never but I’m human). I felt so sorry for my son and explained to his dad that I will drop him to the bus stop but that this will never be happening again. Not only did he not spend much time with his children he let my son down by not taking him and our daughter out to the wacky. It is pretty obvious to me that because his advances are not getting me back he very quickly dropped his children and never gave a second thought how his words and actions would have an impact on his children. I’m at my breaking point and not sure of my next step, I feel iI have been more than amicable ( not asking for more money while he saves to get himself straight finacially) agreeing to spending the day with both children rather than just our son over night. I need to protect my children from his unreasonable behaviour but not sure where to start… sorry for incredibly long post… do I go to a family support worker at a children’s centre or through my son’s school as they have been made aware of circumstances due to a change in my son’s behaviour…23 October 2018 at 7:19 am #17107
How old is your ex? He doesn’t sound very mature. It sounds like he hasn’t accepted that it’s over.
You need to be very clear with him without it getting heated. Can you email him and politely try to agree a few ground rules. Like you don’t discuss your relationship or money in front of your son. Even if he refuses, you will be able to show the court you have tried.
He needs to organise realistic contact arrangements, not waste money on hotel rooms. Can you agree he takes both children from 12 – 4 on Saturdays as a starter. Could he take your children to Burger King & then to visit their gran? Is it walking distance with a buggy since he doesn’t have a car. Pack some toys & crayons, maybe a colouring book in the bag when you send them off. Help him learn how to get through a wet afternoon with small children. Show him what’s going on in town, cheap places that are fun. Children’s theatre, library groups, play grounds. He needs to build up a list of Saturday activities that they can do together.
A contact centre might be a good idea. He could see your daughter there, while she is little.
It isn’t the school’s job but ask at the children’s centre, see what they can offer you in the way of support. And you need to put in a CMS claim now because it will take time to process.