Advice needed

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  • #17992 Report

    MissE
    Participant

    I need some advice, words of encouragement or just for someone to tell me that everything will be ok.
    I found out that my husband has missed 3 months mortgage payments on our house. To try and ensure our finances were in sync as he works and I gave up my job to look after the kids. I am currently self employed (online teaching). I asked for a joint back account he said no so I gave him the option of either a joint account or move out. He choose to move out.
    He went to his s<span class=”text_exposed_show” style=”display: inline; font-family: inherit;”>isters house and none of his family has contacted me since.
    We have 3 children the eldest (9) is not his child. We started dating when I was 3 months pregnant so he is the only father my son has ever known.</span>

    <div class=”text_exposed_show” style=”display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; color: #1d2129; font-size: 14px;”>

    My husband is trying to hurt me emotionally any way that he can. Today he told me that he didn’t want anything to do with my eldest and he is happy taking the youngest two for sleep overs but not the eldest child.

    I am devastated that he want to use my child to hurt me. How can I explain to my son that the man he has always known is not his dad and that he doesn’t want him when he is already trying to process our separation.

    I can’t sleep, I can’t stop crying. I need some encouragement.

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    #17993 Report

    TrevCarp
    Participant

    I am a man, and can I first offer another side, not saying in any way his action are right, but to be able to resolve issues you have to see two sides, not easy to do with passion and you caring for you kids.

    You asked the man to your three children to leave his family home, his kids, Yes you gave him an ultimatum, and was his choice but he will not see it like that. I would be concerned if there are not issues why he has missed payments an not wanting a joint bank account. Us men can be very stubborn, and if he has issues financially, maybe he to scared to let you know, we can be far to man of the house for are own good I know. Joint bank account was a good idea 9 years ago, not it say to him, you don’t trust him anymore and he not good enough, might be right, but think of us as big children, if you said that to a child they get angry.

    Yes he wants to hurt you, because he is hurting, he is angry, he has been their for your son as a father, I would not be surprised if deep down he is scared. The boy is not his biological son, and now there a huge chance he could loose him, so we put up walls to protect ourself, be we can be silly too.

    Your Husband took on you and your son and I am presuming treated him as one for 9 years, so he cant be a bad man, 3 late payments on the mortgage and you have kicked him out?

    Now I know that must have hurt to read, but I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, I think you don’t say anything to your Son, dad needs to man up. what ever you do, your kids need to feel normality, no bad mouth each other, “me and daddy are going through a bad time but we both love you deeply”

    I am so angry to hear he can do that, not sure how you guys are communication, but i suggest a email or letter, start with the positive, what been amazing in the last 9 yrs, be humble both make mistakes, but be honest and tell him that not excitable, if he chooses that choice of actin, then he needs to speak to your son himself.

    Your sons are a unit, and will be treated like one, he took on that responsibility 9 yrs ago, now its time to really be a dad.

    Remember he trying to hurt you because he is hurt. people day stupid things they don’t mean in anger, to get a reaction.

    I hope you appreciate I am trying to help.

     

    #18003 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Wow, what a rotten thing to do.

    So he agreed for you to reduce your career to look after the children, then risks losing your home and won’t even discuss it.

    How long since he left? Is he trying to pressure you into accepting the money situation by threatening to ignore the oldest child?

    Or is he setting the scene for a permanent split?

    All you can do is be calm and reassuring to your children. They need to know they have you as a consistent anchor in their lives. All of them, as a family unit. Your ex is an idiot. Does he think the two younger children will give up their brother without it harming their relationship with their dad. He’s just demonstrating to his own kids that he’s unreliable and selfish.

    #18033 Report

    TrevCarp
    Participant

    Solomum, Its a shame your hate with men, cloud your judgment and read only what you want to read. And your advice is based against others opinion.

    I in no way  did and would never ever blame anyone, as I said trying to put another possible side, Yet I have not in anyway condoned his action.  just trying to bring a balance and help to a bad situation.

    The value of advice, is there can be many opinions, shouldn’t it be up to the author to make judgment. not just your opinion or its must be wrong.

     

     

     

    #18036 Report

    MissE
    Participant

    Thank you all for the advice.  I feel like i should give a bit of background info.

    In the 10 years that we’ve been together, i have always pushed the idea of a joint bank account and he has always said no.

    September this year, i found out that he has been gambling having direct debits to sky bet and national lottery. Hes been extending his overdraft without telling me. Even though i gave up my career i have been working from home teaching online in the middle of the night so that i can support him financially by paying gas, electric, water, council tax etc. The reason why i gave him an ultimatum was because, he dosent see the gambling as a problem. He thinks that it is a bit of fun, he dosen’t want to see the damage. I have given him suggestions on how to come off his overdraft and that has all fallen on deaf ears. I feel that he needed the ultimatum because if you can’t pay the actual mortgage, how are you going to pay the arrears that is there?

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #18040 Report

    MissE
    Participant

    Kathymumofon – he left on Saturday which was our 6th wedding anniversary.  Right now, there is no coming back from this, not from where am standing anyway cus to use my son as a pawn in your game is just hitting below the belt. He has booked to see mediation on Wednesday and we will be taking it from there. As bad as it may sound i feel that me and the children will be better off with him out of our lives not that i will ever stop him from seeing his children.

    #18041 Report

    TrevCarp
    Participant

    MissE

    As I suspected there a lot going on, He has a illness, and its becoming a huge one in our society. I know you are aware he needs help and he will never get better until he can admit it.

    This awful gabling is so disruptive. and only getting worse.

    I truly hope the sharp shock will bring him around, but i suspect he will blame everyone else.

    This illness does not and should not stop him being a father. I really suspect he is angry right now and it words to hurt.

    There are organisation out there for families with gambling addiction.

    You have to try and keep life as normal for them as much as possible, try not to be negative about him around the children, This is a dark time now, but there will be light.

    #18046 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Hi MissE,

    i think regardless of whether you see gambling as an illness or an act of stupidity, you have to think of yourself and your children now, because he won’t. You need to separate yourself financially asap or he will drag you all down with him.

    Once that is done, you will know where you stand financially and can sort yourself out. That will take away some of the stress, it’ll be under control. Only he can help himself, so don’t try.

    Try to deal with the emotional side separately. How you feel long term is personal to you. As far as the children go, judge whatever is best for them and try to ignore the bitterness. Facilitate contact but he must meet his commitments to them ie, show up on time and behave decently.

    I feel for you, having to cope with this mess on your anniversary & before Xmas. His timing is appalling.  I know it’s hard, having been there myself, but calm, cheerful reassurance is what they all need to hear. You will be their anchor.

    Take care of yourself as well x

    #18058 Report

    Mike_71
    Participant

    Only in this post where its obvious the man is an arse have I said that.

    It’s never obvious unless you’ve heard both sides of the story. 😉

    My wife’s gone and told all and sundry all kinds of things about me, most of them are true in her head but not true in reality … I’m sure at least some of these people think I’m an arse. But if they’ve formed that opinion from listening to one side of a story that often has a lot of emotion, hurt and confusion in these situations, that says more about them than it does about me.

    MissE, sorry to hear of your problems and hope you get them resolved.

    #18076 Report

    Sherinam
    Participant

    My ex left the family home to carry on another life with another woman. I assumed he was working abroad which he was but had a double life. He continued paying the mortgage on our home.  He wasn’t a good husband but he was not a bad man.

    #18919 Report

    MissE
    Participant

    hi to give you a quick full picture of how the relationship has been for the last ten years, in 2014/15 he asked for his ring back because i travel to Austria to my step sister child dedication and then bumped into my ex of 20 years ago, who is love of my life. he told me he still like me but at that point im a married woman with rings on my finger to show but didn’t respond back. i seen him a few times while i was still there, talking to him one on one and face timing with one of my friend in uk of then took a picture of us, saying she will show to my then husband,(she didnt, but she sent the picture to me on whatsup) . my husband knew my password on my phone then but changed it due to him going through my phone be4 seeing things i diint want him to see. when i return back from austria i could see he was not happy as he knew a bit about the love of my life in austria. he asked me if i seen him and i said only once, he then managed to get to my phone and seen the picture my friend took and confronted me and told him how he the guy in asutria said he likes me but i didnt respond and also im not sure if i Love him back again. at this point my husband took the ring off me saying if im not sure who i love then we cant go on. we somehow managed to get through it. there has always been little fight between us where we seem to get through. at one point we fought over the tele and then i went to the bedroom to speak to the love of my life because hes marriage has broken down (i know the wife because i was seeing him while he was married, 20 years ago ). not knowing my husband was behind the door listening and he got angry, this then put a big patch on our relationship marriage life. my husband still stayed with me. it got to a point where we managed to get a mortgage through my husband name only as i have ccg and also bankruptcy in my name. we have a bit of a fight and at that point was pregnant with my 3rd child, his second. i told him he can only come and stay at the new house for 3 months then has to leave, which then caused problems. 2016 we moved to our new house and had our new born baby. at this point it make sense for me stay home and look after the children as childcare cost was shooting up the roof. through all this to the point he moved out in 2018(november) weve had fights here and there but he seems to always be there to the point that i didn’t have sex with him for 4 months and the again for 2 months, even when we do have sex i only do it once a week as i thought that was enough to satisfy him. his parents were been inaugurated in their job so he had to travel, at this point we were not in a good position on finance but i managed to convince him we can all go. passports for the 3 kids had to be done, visas and plane ticket. as  he sends money towards me to pay things, the mortgage was not going out because we are trying to get everything sorted to go and see his and my family. when we cam back, i then was mad because of the missed payment on the mortgage(i myself had a missed payment on bills aswell but he didnt know at this point) so i suggested a joint account where both money going in direct from pay so we can sort things, he said no, but he will only do a joint account where bills go through and a couple of hundred left but i was not going to want to  do that. at this point i told him he either do my way or move out, he still insisted his way but i still said no, so he then left. i have gone and got myself home right as his the name owner on the mortgage house, and had to return the car he was paying for for me to use (peugoet 2008, reg). im currently speaking to a guy who will potentially be the new good thing in my life. im also in hospital(been here for 1 week now due to leg problem, so my ex husband has look after all the children, and he has again find out im talking to a new guy. need of advice how i can move on, thanks.

    #18921 Report

    MissE
    Participant

    oh he gambled £150 in three months.

    #18922 Report

    MissE
    Participant

    he is currently paying the mortgage and arrears aswell as paying for two cars.

    #18923 Report

    MissE
    Participant

    hes currently paying for the mortgage and the arrears, i have now taking his name off the council tax, so im able to claim for tax credit, working tax credit and will be looking forward to child maintenance from him as well.

    #18927 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Regardless of who did what to whom, the two of you aren’t working as a team, there isn’t any trust and I thing the only way to move on is to be completely honest.

    You’ve tried to sort the finances, he won’t co-operate and you can’t live with that. You’ve separated. So tell him you want to dissolve the marriage, openly and honestly, and end everyone’s stress. Start the new year with a clear head.

    Then who you see or what you do is none of his business, as long as it doesn’t affect the children.

     

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