Advice for someone about to co-parent

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Kathymumofone 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #34741 Report

    Sonic20
    Participant

    Hello everyone. I’m new to all this! So, after some advice really on what pitfalls to avoid when it comes to co-parenting 50:50 with my ex. Has anyone taken holidays with their ex? Do you share the main family car to save costs? How do you decide on things like birthdays and Christmas day? So many worries – anything you can think of would be a big help. We have an amicable relationship but concerned this may change later down the line. Thanks

    #34747 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    My top 5

    Your priority is your children. No matter how angry or hurt you may be, they have a right to see both parents, in an amicable environment if at all possible.

    Be flexible. If your ex wants to swap a day, gives reasonable notice & it isn’t inconveniencing you then say yes. But expect them to do likewise.

    Set clear reasonable boundaries. Your ex is an ex for a reason.

    Be polite to ex’s new partner, and about them in front of the children, even if through gritted teeth. No need for more if you don’t want to.

    You may have 20 years of co-parenting to survive. Going “no contact” with your ex is seldom possible. Take your time & think before you react.

    #34843 Report

    Sonic20
    Participant

    Thank you both for your advice. We have a 1 year old together so it’ll be a very long journey ahead of us and thinking of it as 20 years really puts it into perspective. And alternating Xmas Day and Birthdays seems a good idea, thanks.

    I worry about explaining all of this to her when she gets older, and having her realise none of it was her fault. If this is what she’s always known will it seem normal to her or will she try and push us back together and it get really awkward as I don’t want to bad-mouth her Dad?

    As we get along amicably we want to keep it out of court. We are having 50:50 childcare, but as we agree does it really need to be agreed with a lawyer? I guess when she goes to school we’ll need to decide about school holidays. Is this something people agree separately to the standard childcare arrangements?

    We are selling the house anyway and have reached agreement on the split of assets (he’s getting more than me as I have a higher paying job) which I’m fine with because it will give our child a stable home when she’s with her dad and I can always get a mortgage, and where little one will go to school (nearest me). Also agreed not to touch each others pensions. But what if he changes his mind on any of this in a few years time? Should we have it recorded somehow by a lawyer so we have a clean break?

    We haven’t talked about which of the 5 reasons to name in the divorce. As I want to keep the friendliness going for the sake of our child, are there any problems with waiting for the 2 years separation if we’ve already divided up all the assets and sorted custody? Does the divorce reason become public record for our child to discover? Thank you

    #34844 Report

    Sonic20
    Participant

    @kathymumofone what clear boundaries do you suggest? Just intimacy or are you talking about something else?

    #34845 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    On boundaries, things like co-parenting requires honesty. An example is my ex wanted to take ds on a 2 week holiday. I agreed. The truth was he had only taken 1 week off work and left ds in the care of a new partner who then abandoned 8yo ds because a family member became ill. I struggled to keep my temper over that one.

    You may start out in general agreement but new partners, new work priorities etc seem to warp some people’s common sense.

    But keep communicating, calmly if possible. What is obvious to one parent, may need explaining to the other.

    We’ve managed fairly well. In 8 years we’ve only had one major row over ds.

    #34846 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Sorry, ds is mumsnet speak for dear son.

    It’s late. I’m getting my sites muddled 😊

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