Advice- child maintenance or not?

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  • #12340 Report

    Kt78
    Participant

    I have a 3 month old….the baby’s father left me for another woman at 14weeks pregnant. The baby was a planned pregnancy. I have found so many lies and come to realise the gaslighting and narcissistic tenancies he has.

    I don’t want him involved if I’m honest and after telling me he hopes the baby dies and it was the worst day of his life seeing it had a heart beat etc along with other things (a huge change from when we were together) along with his anger issues and threats and fact his relationship with his other children is shocking, I feel that would be best for my baby too. He has not once enquiried about the baby (even indirectly as we have a lot of common people) but tells/insinuates to people it was an accident not planned like it was! His family are on my Facebook although I haven’t put up I’ve had baby (although they must know by now!) and none of them have once enquired or contacted me or shown support.

    I do need the child maintenance money but at the same time don’t want him involved half heartedly because of a sense of entitlement because he is paying or to get back at me (I would insist on supervised contact initially) . He will stay away for now because of the new girlfriend and the fact I haven’t asked for money in the hope he escapes having to pay, but I’m not sure whether to go for the money or just leave him to it and struggle. I know I will be anxious of what he’s likely to do if I apply…

    What’s anyone else’s experiences? Any advice would be great as I am struggling with it all but terrified of the damage he will do by being fickle if he decides to pursue seeing my child. I don’t want my baby going through what his oldest and his step daughter went through with him.

    #12341 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    Obviously you must have the money. Doesn’t sound like he’ll want anything to do with the baby anyway.

    I do find it bizarre how many stories like these crop up on Gingerbread where the partner sounds utterly unsuitable, already has kids that they are already a terrible parent to, and has an all round bad reputation both as a partner and a parent, yet people still happily breed with them, let alone date them. Can’t really have been a surprise to you and it’s a wonder that didn’t cross your mind while planning a baby. Ah well, that baby is among us now. Let’s hope they have a better life…

    #12345 Report

    Kt78
    Participant

    Wow. That’s pretty harsh… yes it was/is a surprise.

    The sad fact is I believed him…. his lies that the reason he didn’t have a good relationship was because of his ex and her having the child to trap him… (I doubt that now he has said that about me) given his son is 20 (I am 40)

    I discussed it long and hard with him beforehand and he was excited… he claimed this was an opportunity to be able to do it right and all that…

    but yes thank you for reminding me that I am stupid for not seeing it like you said, and for that I will feel eternally rotten for my child… I thought this forum was for positive support for single parents though not blaming and assuming.

    #12346 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    I’m positive you’ll try your best for your child. That is also an assumption.

    All the best to you both. Now pick up the phone to the CMS and get that cash.

    #12350 Report

    Kt78
    Participant

    Yes I totally understand the money belongs to my child. If I claimed it I would try put some of it into savings if I could. I suppose my concern is what is best for my child…. emotional versus financial I suppose is how it feels at moment….

    but Anonymous you are right I risk him waltzing in at any point whether I claim or  not… I just hoped people might have similar experiences and ideas I suppose before I “poke the hornets nest”

     

    #12525 Report

    BeckyLou
    Participant

    Hi – I am also in same position well I’m 20 weeks pregnant and partner left me a month ago. Same thing has children from previous relationship blamed his poor relationship with them on his ex. Said he wanted another  chance to try again and be a good dad. Turns out he is a narcissistic, selfish and has a lot of issues. Told me he was divorced and he is still married and is in a lot of debt. He’s currently disappeared off the face of the earth. Today I had my scan he knew about it and did not even got in touch to ask how it went. He will be paying child maintenance as that is the least he can do.

    I wonder if we are talking about the same man?!

    #12526 Report

    Kt78
    Participant

    Oh wow. I am so sorry to hear of this. I almost hope it’s the same person rather than there being yet another person the same….

    Same, my ex hasn’t been in touch except when I posted I was pregnant on social media and sent me a load of twaddle…. the girl he cheated on me with was adamant when told that I wasn’t pregnant!

    how are you doing? Do PM me if you want

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