Advice; am I being unfair/expecting too much?
- This topic has 30 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by RexyWoo.
21 June 2018 at 5:33 pm #12468
Just wondering if anyone is available to chat to me with regards to being a single Mum. I have a 5y/o daughter, her Dad walked out when she was 1. He used a government website to work out how much he should be contributing – £43 a week. I have her full time and he has her for 2 nights every other weekend.
I just need someone to vent to I guess as I don’t know if my illness (I have endometriosis) is just making me grumpy or whether I have reason to be grumpy. Just wondering what other fathers do?
Basically, over the 4 years that I’ve been a single Mum he has NEVER helped out when I’ve asked. Not during school holidays when I have just as much work to get done (I work full time hours from home). I’ve had two operations in the past two years where I was unable to move/pick up anything etc for a couple of weeks and again, he did not help with our daughter. Luckily, I have the best Mum in the world and I don’t know what I’d do without her!
I get that I’m her “full time carer” as he likes to put it, but surely I should be able to rely on him occasionally when needed? It really upsets me as he constantly says things like “I’m always here for you if you need me” etc which is total lies. He NEVER helps if I’m stuck. I’ve swapped weekends for him when he’s asked, if I can. He sends me messages every single day, multiples during the day – asking how she is etc etc All whilst he’s at work and getting paid to message me. Me, being self employed and at home and not being paid. He comes to visit her at mine after work once a week too. Is it my responsibility to be giving him a run to run breakdown of her day every day???
I kind of feel like he has everything how he wants it and it’s all on his terms. He’s sent so many messages now banging on about how he can’t bear being apart from her and how lucky I am to have her full time etc etc yet whenever I ask him if he wants to have her more he says no???
I feel like I’m going mad but just not how to carry on with this. I don’t mind being civil with him as don’t want things to effect my daughter, but it’s too much. Yet again, I’ve asked if he could have her once extra night and he’s said no21 June 2018 at 7:30 pm #12470
Thank you so much!
I’m glad you said about the visiting my house once a week thing….as I hate it. I put on a face and will speak to him etc but I hate it when he’s here. Most of the time I try and go to another room so I’m not sat with him. But not sure how that would go down – how do I approach the subject…just say I’m not happy for him to be here the whole time? I HATE that he’s still in my life so much. Yes I know he’ll always be in my life because of our daughter, and that’s fine – but I see him so much and speak to him every day. Can’t bare it. When he walked out (after lying and cheating, and saying he couldn’t handle the responsibility of having a family), my respect for him went with him too, and I just immediately stopped liking him as a person. So why do I have to have someone I don’t like around me so much 🙁
Just really not sure how to suggest him seeing her midweek without it being here – as we live 30mins apart from each other?21 June 2018 at 8:07 pm #12473
Wow, that’s fab thanks!! He is really not going to like it at all. I was going to ask – am I entitled to ask what his salary is? Or will his nose be put out of joint a bit?
I think I suggested midweek over night years ago and surprise, surprise it was a no. He won’t like having to pay for an after school club until he can get to her so I think I’d rather he just collected her from mine and took her out. Again, he will hate this – especially on the days when the weather is pants. But also, my little girl often prefers playing in her house so it’s tricky isn’t it. Although perhaps we’ll just have to be firm and say this is what we’re doing now – Daddy takes her out once a week.
Also – he told me ages ago that he pays £44 a week as he has her 2 nights every 2 weeks (so 1 night a week) and that if he had her more than that, he’d pay less? I guess that makes sense?
Sorry about all these questions but I feel very alone in all this as I have no one to ask about it all.
So do I give a reason why I’m implementing this change….? That I don’t like him in my house? Not being funny but I doubt he’d like me lingering around his house once a week either! I really do hate it :/21 June 2018 at 8:19 pm #12474
Also, if the midweek visits do stop because of him not liking the changes – it’d break her heart21 June 2018 at 8:57 pm #12479
I would say he’s on at least 20k and has no other children. I’ve looked on the gov. child maintenance calculator for 20k pa and the options come up as:
- Less than 52 (less than once a week)
- 52 to 103 per year (1 to 2 nights a week)
And then above 103 per year etc and the amounts it has come up with for ‘less than 52′ is £46 pw and then ’52 to 103’ is £40
So, if he’s used this calculator to work it out (which he said he did) – he would have selected the 52 t0 103 per year as he has her 52 nights a year. So does that mean, he could have her up to 103 nights per year without his maintenance changing/going down? To be honest though, money isn’t really the issue. I am in no way extravagant and we get by on what we have. But I think if I’m going down the formal email route, then I need to get this all sorted correctly. As I can actually point out to him that he should be having her more than he is?
I think he should have responsibility of her childcare but he doesn’t. He was always saying that I’m her full time carer so basically it’s all down to me. As I have her full time and therefore it’s in my favour, then tough it’s for me to sort. That’s just how he sees it. But – I never chose to have a child on my own. He’s often called in sick for his weekends to have her too!!!! Which totally does my head in as I don’t get to do that!21 June 2018 at 9:45 pm #12480
Urgh, I asked if he could have her an extra night (the Sunday night on a weekend he has her) – and he’s said no yet again. The reason being that his girlfriend is having an op a week prior to that weekend and it’ll be too much for her. Umm…A. I’m not asking her to look after our daughter and B. he didn’t help me AT ALL when I recovered from TWO ops???
I’ve just blocked him on Whatsapp as fuming. Really need to sit down and have a serious think about things. Trouble being, he always makes me feel guilty/bad 🙁22 June 2018 at 6:56 am #12486
Many thanks for all your help Solomum.
The way I looked at the website was though, is that he’d have to select ’52 to 103 per year (1 to 2 nights a week)’ option to work it out, and the website wouldn’t know from that, how many nights he’s having her before working it out? So he could be having her 100 nights a year and it’d still come out with the same amount, surely? Or am I being dumb? I’d just like to get this straight in my head as I know he’ll come back with something about that if I suggest a midweek sleepover.
I definitely will send the email, just need to construct a good one – I am nervous about it though. Now if he asks why, I can say I’m simply fed up with him never helping out when I ask.
Thanks for our input though, good to know I’m not being unreasonable here as he has a good way of making me feel really bad about myself, he always has22 June 2018 at 8:32 am #12489
Thanks, you’ve been so great! I will start putting an email together and make sure I go over it lots before I send it as he’s very intelligent (sanctimonious and passive aggressive) – so I need to make sure it’s right.
The way he sees it though – is that he doesn’t really have a responsibility as I’m her “full time carer”
Thanks again 🙂22 June 2018 at 12:21 pm #12492
He’ just texted me as I blocked him on Whatsapp last night, asking me if my phone is okay and if she’s okay – arghhhhhhhh
I’ve put together an email but not sent it yet, but not mentioned the constant messaging thing. How do I go about bringing that up? I get that he cares about her and wants to know how she is every day, afternoon, morning but honestly – it’s so exhausting, can’t cope with it all the time. PRetty sure my boyfriend must hate how much contact we have with each other -can’t be nice for him. He understands that he’s her Dad etc but it’s just too much isn’t it22 June 2018 at 12:31 pm #12495
Fab thanks! Sometimes I message him when he has her….but the honest truth is – I do it because I feel like it looks like I don’t care if I don’t ask, as he always does?? Does that make sense? It’s my weekend with her this weekend. I haven’t replied to his text, but going to have to do something soon as he’ll wonder what the hell is going on, if I’ve not emailed him yet.
I would love that thanks – as you can correct anything silly that I say as I’m so fed up and full of frustration!!22 June 2018 at 12:48 pm #12496
You think I should email him soon or leave it a bit? He lost his very elderly Granddad this week but when he was here last night, he was completely fine and happy. Plus his girlfriend has an op on Monday so thinking maybe the email could be sent at a better time? Just not sure what to do due to his text and him obviously wondering what’s going on :/22 June 2018 at 1:54 pm #12497
He’s just emailed me now!!!! 🙁22 June 2018 at 1:57 pm #12498
Well?22 June 2018 at 2:00 pm #12499
Well what? Sorry, don’t understand.
I’m just unsure whether I need to send this email now as I blocked him from Whatsapp as can’t stand the constant messages, so he text. And because I didn’t reply to that he’s now emailed me asking if my phone is broken. Really not sure how to respond22 June 2018 at 2:22 pm #12501
I might send t later after I’ve ggot be through it again.
yeah she’s at school, it does do my head in. I get that he cares and misses her but I’m not just sat here at home, fully available for him. I feel like he kind of rules my life in a way, I hate it