Tagged: Help Advice
1 January 2020 at 1:14 am #34711
My now ex is becoming increasingly difficult during our seperation. Unmarried, 2 children (1 not iologically his but he has raised him since birth), he has no parental responsibility for either of the children currently, my name is not on any of the paper work for the house we had shared, I was financially dependant on him as I was a stay at home mum and now he’s cutting money left right and centre, he is making more and more demands and threats in terms of visitation and trying to block my family from seeing the kids and worst of all he is a compulsive liar who is npw trying to get social services onvolved and trying to discredit me as a mother. What legal rights do I have here? How do I get him to stop and think of the impact this is all having on the kids? What rights does he have in terms of visitation and dictating when my family can see the kids? Im desperate and need some advice as I cannot afford a solicitor as he is cutting all the money and I just don’t know what to do. Anyone been through something similar with an ex? Thanks in advance1 January 2020 at 1:44 pm #34723
Try talking to the Gingerbread helpline or Woman’s Aid or Citizens Advice. .
assuming you are in the UK, if he isn’t named on either birth certificate he doesn’t currently have rights of access.
If he wants access, and you can’t agree things amicably, he needs to apply to have his name added. You can agree or force a dna test. Once he is named as a parent, his child has a right to see their dad.
If you go to court & get an access order (good idea as it will stop the unreasonable demands) , it sets out what access the Non-resident parent has. Depending on age and if they already have a bond, that will be anything between a few hours a week and 50:50.
As their mum and primary carer, you are responsible for their care & well being until his status is sorted.
While the child is in your care, it is up to you who has access – your parents, siblings etc as long as the children are safe. He cannot veto anything.
Equally, while in his care, he decides.
Record all threats, keep texts with unreasonable demands. Social services have heard it all before so as long as they see no reason for concern and you co-operate with their enquiries, they are most unlikely to be taken in.
Also contact the CMS and put in a claim for his child. He does not need to be on the bc for you to do this. Has he asked you to leave yet? Have you organised somewhere new to live? I hope it calms down soon x1 January 2020 at 5:13 pm #34733
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. He was messaging me again today threatning to take me to court and block my parents seeing the kids etc. I have repeatedly told him that I would be happy to arrange visitation via mediation. I dont wish to cut him or his parents out of the kids lives. Im not interested in tit for tat or point scoring. I just want us all to move on and the kids to be happy.
He is demanding to see the kids before mediation but due to the hostility of the situation I felt it was best for visitation to start as it means to go on and be structured so the kids have security and stability. Not only that but also to avoid any further arguments or breaking of agreements it is better to have everything done official. I should also say that he spent the last 2 years doing rotation in another country where he spent 3 weeks working away at a time and so the kids are used to spells of not seeing him in person and I have arranged to do video calls 2 evenings a week so he and the children can keep in contact until this is resolved.
But he is still trying everything to be difficult and nasty and to discredit me.1 January 2020 at 5:16 pm #34734
Oh and as for living arrangements if I willingly leave the house then I am making myself voluntarily homeless in the eyes of the council and it will be harder for me to get help with a new home. But he is refusing to outright make me homeless. He is just squeezing money so tight there is no way I can afford the bills for the house myself.1 January 2020 at 9:08 pm #34739
I have been told before that is a form of abuse but I cant prove anything as he’s always been so clever at manipulating things and always 10 steps ahead of me. His parents are now harrassing me wanting to arrange visitation with the kids. But his mum is the one threatning to report me to social services over a vicious lie her son is telling and even phoned my own parents telling them she was going to do it. So I just dont know what to do as they are coming at me as well. Everything has been shut for new year so I couldnt even phone any solicitors or citizens advice. The whole thing is a complete nightmare. I would have thought that offering to do mediation to sort everything out and reassuring them all that I dont wish to block them from the kids would be enough. Helis parents dont even see the kids that often any way but now they are demanding to see them constantly. I dont know what to say or do that wont make the situation worse and wont put the kids stuck in the middle. I thoight mediation with the intention to arrange visitation was the best way but none of them will accept this2 January 2020 at 8:01 pm #34803
Thanks jessicajones I just wish this whole nightmare could just be resolved. Everything is a “my word against his” and its so stressful. I dont want it to be like this I would rather just grit my teeth, get through the mediation and then move on. But I feel like he is always going to be this constant threat in the background that will never go away. Threatning to tell social services Im suicidal and making lies about me being physically violent towards him aren’t just going to hurt me but they will hurt our kids as well and that makes me feel physically sick. I feel making lies that could follow me for the rest of my life and are damaging to our children benefits no one in anyway yet he keeps doing it and there’s nothing I can do to stop him. He has more money than me so he can afford a decent solicitor, he is well respected, he isnt worried about losing the kids at all so I feel utterly powerless and Im genuinely terrified of what he might say or do next to try and discredit me.6 January 2020 at 12:03 am #34897
Hey, I have never posted here before but needing to reach out to others at the moment to feel less alone myself and came across your post. I hope you’re holding up ok, you sound like you’ve been bravely battling in a horrible situation. I can’t imagine how stressful it feels to be on the end of such threats and would really reiterate some of the above advice about reaching out to professionals and helplines to help access support surrounding domestic abuse. With regards to the actual threats, as hard as it is, try not to let them push you into any action or into meeting demands that you aren’t comfortable with. In my work role I work alongside social services and can reassure that they are very aware that unfounded and malicious allegations are made, particularly at times such as volatile separations. If your ex or his family were to report you, whilst a social worker may look into it, it often becomes clear that they are unfounded, lacking any evidence and they will likely put it down to access issues that they would steer clear from or they may be able to offer some support themselves or from another support service but everything you have said in your posts demonstrates that you are acting appropriately and in the interests of your children so no need for them to be involved.