Adultery vs mentally ill

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  • #35001 Report


    I’ve been believing my husband whom I’ve been with for 12 years has been mentally ill. We have two extremely young children together (now aged 2 years and 5 months). Whilst being 6 months pregnant with no2 he told me his feelings had changed towards me. Our relationship became toxic. I continued to question him as it just didn’t make sense as to why someone would suddenly say that out the blue. I then found out he had lied to me about where he was and found invoices for flowers and gifts. I even spoke to the suspected woman on the phone at 37 weeks pregnant to put my mind at ease. Since having our son he felt like a stranger and he didn’t want to attempt fixing our marriage and moved out. (Our son was 2 months old at the time). I’ve managed to get him to go to counselling sessions starting this week, but I am concerned as to whether I’m making excuses for his behaviour. I found a love letter tonight from this mistress and have no idea where I stand. I’m on stat mat leave which ends in a few months and know feel like I’ve got a complete headache on my hands to work out where to start in terms of returning to work and childcare for 2 under 2 and wondering whether it’s financially viable vs finances of house etc.

    Also does it make a difference separating/divorcing on grounds of unreasonable behaviour vs adultery?

    #35007 Report



    I’m in a similar situation. Have a 3 year old and am currently 6 weeks off giving birth. I found out at 5 months pregnant that my husband was cheating on me with a work colleague. He’s shown little remorse (except when he thinks I will tell people what he’s done) and did not finish the affair when I found out about it (although claims to now have stopped seeing her which I doubt). Currently I am following advice to stay with him until the baby is born and I am in a position that I could return to some part time work (if I can manage to do that emotionally) as he appears to have no plans to leave. I have sought advice from a number of places as finances are my big concern. I was advised by citizens advice to look on the turn2us website as this gives you a good idea if any financial help you would be entitled to. You can also look at what child maintenance you should expect in the government website. In regards to splitting assets you really could do with some legal advice. I know citizens advice do offer 30 minutes free.

    In regards to the adultery/unreasonable behaviour aspect I would love to state adultery but have been advised you need to be able to prove a sexual relationship has happened which can be very difficult and can make it drag on a lot longer. I was told unreasonable behaviour is the common one to use and you can state their inappropriate relationship with another woman as a factor in that.

    I hope that’s some help. I have been really struggling as I too feel like I’m living with a stranger. I literally don’t believe a word out of his mouth now. I feel trapped at the moment which makes it worse which is why I have tried to get as much info as possible.

    #35008 Report


    Firstly, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this, it sounds horrible.


    I don’t know about the separation/divorce bit, but you completely and utterly deserve someone better. Mental illness isn’t an excuse to treat someone badly in this way.


    As for working, I myself had to quit working when I had my twins and may leave ran out, as my oldest wasn’t yet 3 when they were born. I felt guilty for taking benefits, but as it was explained to me, I’ve worked for years paying in with my NI and taxes, so I deserve a bit of help while I get on my feet, and sort out the kids at school etc.. I actually get the same as I would have in wages (after tax) in universal credit. I do get a little extra because I’m classed as my son’s career as he’s autistic, but that all goes on his toiletries and care needs anyway, so I haven’t really gained or lost anything by quitting. There’s some good UC calculators online if you want to see what you might get yourself.

    Good luck with whatever you decide xx

    #35027 Report


    Oh bless you. I know exactly how you feel & I hope you have the strength to get through. It’s so difficult when the emotions are all over the place.


    Thank you for the advice. I’m devastated and am definitely taking one day at a time.

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