Adopting a child and feel like Im failing

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  • #50487 Report



    I’m feeling really rubbish about how im coping with my son. He was placed with me for adoption 3 months ago and he is now 12 months old. He is wonderful, but im scared of my reactions sometimes. When he is having whiney days or angry and  i dont know why he is so upset, my own stress just goes up and i feel so frsutrated with him. Im scared that my lack of skills will disconnect us or make the attachment fail. We seem to have a good attachment in general but im a single adopter and dont know whats normal, i dont know whats usual stress for 12 months old and whats because im a new mum on my own in a pandemic and whats because we have know each other less time than birh parents… i feel i am not being my best self, perhaps i have some depression, but im just so scared of losing perspective and being mean (not violent or dangerous, dont worry… i just feel mean torwards my son. I mean he is a baby! He is allowed to whine, but i just want ro walk away when he does, i feel so guilty). I dont really have a question, i think i just feel so bad i dont know how to answer his needs, i feel selfish and incapable, but i want to learn and improve and get back to my more cheery disposition.

    Thanks for ‘listening) to my whine!! Xxx

    #50490 Report



    please contact your local council. I understand they offer adoption/foster care services. so they should be able to help with you advice in these situations.

    #50504 Report


    Wow. That seems young to be having concerns.

    Have the court proceedings finalised and the adoption certified??

    As his 1 there should be groups locally for you to attend which is obviously made harder due to covid restrictions. Local libraries are great and often host an array of groups for young children. Church and people within the church or local faith bound communities often have access to support groups and even with the covid restrictions would be able to assist you in creating a ‘bubble’.

    If your scared of your reactions and lack of experience you should speak with a health visitor or social worker your local doctors surgery or GP would be able to provide you with groups that would help with any confidence issues or theres always local adult education centres who run day long courses in peadiatric first aid and child care; even anger and anxiety awareness courses which will help you with you.

    A hugely sad situation to be in with the covid restrictions.

    Good Luck

    #50635 Report


    I have two adopted sons  who’ve been with me over 3 years now and I’ve recently separated from my husband which is extremely difficult on us all and the reason why I’ve joined gingerbread. It is hard when these children first come to us there is no proper bond yet you don’t know this already established little person you have no clue how to be parent as you have not grown with them or know what they do and don’t like or need it’s all new territory and a massive learning curve with no instruction book which is all normal I have good and bad days still now myself, as these children have suffered before coming us already which makes things harder and for us having to look at different parenting approaches. You are not on your own though speak to your social worker as they are there for you and want this match to work  if you’re really struggling or I’m happy to chat if you ever want to. Xx

    #50680 Report


    have you contacted your health visitor- they’re usually very helpful. Being a mum is the most different job in the world, so please don’t be too hard on yourself. I feel like I’m winging it everyday x

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