Access to kids

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  • #18099 Report


    We are in the middle of an acrimonious divorce after a very long marriage where he engaged in emotional and financial abuse, which is ongoing. My ex will not move out (although I pay the mortgage etc)  so we have to share a house and the kids. He does not work as many hours as I do so sees more of the kids, particularly in the holidays. I am trying to make it more fair by having the kids for a few more hours each Saturday. He is refusing to agree. There is loads else going on, he won’t give information required under court orders and last week there was a solicitors letter that the house has to be sold due to a loan he has in his own name. But if I give way on access to the kids, he will abuse this situation. Help!!

    #18107 Report


    He has not so far tried to go for primary care giver. He works full time and so do I. We have agreed so far that when we split fully we will have the kids 50 50 and both of our documents to court reflect this.

    The kids are 15 and 13, so not little.

    I can’t buy him out and the house will have to be sold so we can both get a new place but he is delaying this for as long as possible. Two years and counting!

    In the meantime he takes any opportunity to be controlling and it’s how to overcome that regarding access to the kids that is a problem.

    I can just arrange to take them out when he won’t relent, as they are old enough to just come out when they want, but that costs money. Also due to his controlling abusive nature, I have to keep fighting back as if I don’t he takes more and more.

    #18109 Report


    If he is delaying the property price will go up. So he will work out in his favour at the end of the day even if property is in your name.  Judges are pro husbands these days

    #18110 Report


    Hi Redsonja,

    I’m really sorry to hear that you’re having an awful time regarding the divorce/financial settlement etc.

    My kids were the same age as yours when I went through everything.

    Firstly, with regards to peaceful living. Your ex sounds really controlling. If the behaviour is affecting the children as well as you then you can apply to the courts for an Occupation order. No mediation is needed for this. It cost me in excess of £1000 but it was money well spent. I was ex husband free.

    Access to the children. Courts are only interested in children below 16. If your 15 year old is near to 16, then they will not be taken into consideration. Should this go to court, Cafcass take the wishes of the child very seriously. Has your ex been controlling over the children themselves? This will all come out and go against him.

    The house.

    The loan was it secured against the property? If you’re uncertain a quick search can be done. I think that you’ll need some legal advice of where you stand. If the loan was not secured against the property and depending in whose name the property is registered , you may want to look at registering Matrimonal Home Rights.

    Splitting of assets. Everything is put into the pot on both sides. House value, bank and savings/pensions/stocks and shares and any personal debt.

    You say that he missed a court deadline? Well he’ll have to apologise to the court.

    Your marriage has been long. Yes the needs of the children are paramount but they’re not little. Their age and needs will be taken into consideration . Depending on the status of the ex’s personal loan, you can demand to stay in the FMH until the youngest child is 18, then the profit of the house is split.

    Sort out the controlling behaviour and things will be much calmer.

    Take care


    #18120 Report



    Just a thought and I hope that you don’t mind me asking you this.

    You’ve given us a snap shot of what’s going on. Are you afraid of the ex?

    Some of what you’ve shared could be construed as coercive control which is a crime.

    As per Anonymous, please speak to trained specialists. Women’s aid was great with me and there’s always mediation. If he refuses, the course could be court.

    I’m always here and please feel free to pm me

    #18122 Report


    Thanks so much for the help and support. We are already going through the court process, unfortunately. This is costing me zillions, but  will be worth it to be free of him. Yes, he displays cooersive control and I may have to go down this route and it will certainly be part of my evidence for the final hearing. Just day by day at the moment.

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