Access to babies
19 May 2020 at 9:13 am #40130
I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with twin boys, and have been single since about 18 weeks pregnant. Was with my ex partner on and off for 2 and a half years, however I ended the relationship due to several issues we were having.
I have kept my ex partner involved in the pregnancy, providing updates on appointments, sending videos of the twins moving, talking to him about them and the like.
Unfortunately, things have deteriorated between us and am struggling to be amicable with him any longer. I have asked for some time now for him to keep the contact solely about the twins, however he feels the need to message me daily about things not related at all.
I have tried to put something in place for access after they are born, and he will not agree to what I’ve said, instead choosing to send me exceptionally passive aggressive messages and causing arguments.
So far I have offered:
– him to be there during the caesarean. He has pushed this point, and although I’m not actually comfortable him being there due to how bad things have been between us for some time now, I have agreed as I know how special it is seeing your child born
– for him to come round the day after we get home from hospital, and have suggested every other day for a few hours as bonding time. I have seen in several places that short but frequent visits are best for newborns.
– I have said that when a bit older he can of course take them out on his own, but asked that we play it by ear when this will be.
– we have agreed that when I return to work, he will have them one day a week instead of going into childcare all the time.
– I have said that once he has somewhere appropriate to live and they are older, we can discuss overnight access (lives in a shared house currently).
He has not agreed to this. He is pushing to drive us home from hospital, when I have this sorted and have asked that he lets me settle in with them when I get home that first day. He wants to come round 5 days a week to see them, for approx. 6 hours each time. He wants to take them out alone straight away to visit his friends, and states that I am being unreasonable stopping him from doing this.
Apologies for the long post, but I just wanted to see what reasonable access is? I feel that what I’m suggesting is very fair, but he won’t listen to what I’m saying.
Things really are strained between us, and my mental health is really not great at the moment! I would like something in place for when I get home with them, but feel thst he will try and railroad me into things I’m not happy with.
I want to provide him with reasonable access, however I don’t want him at my house every day as we do not get on, and he makes everything very stressful!
Any advice would be massively appreciated!19 May 2020 at 10:56 am #40131
Hi twins plus1
I’m in the same position as you but I’m having one baby and shes a girl! I dont have any advice except what my solicitor told me and that is that you are not expected to be parted from your babies until they are at least 6 months old and even then it would be for a max of 3 to 4 hours. Also I was told as long as I offer him 3 days a week for 3 to 4 hours that is considered reasonable.
I personally dont think I want my ex at the birth we havent spoken or seen each other in 4 months and I’m 28 weeks pregnant we have each other blocked on the phones I had to block him because hed unblock me to send the most vile nasty messages and then block me again and it was playing havoc with my mental health.
Hope that helps and congrats on your twins x20 May 2020 at 4:38 am #40162
Your Ex is bullying you, and you need to stop him now before the babies are born.
Access is based on what is best for the babies, so short frequent visits. Newborns need to be with their mum, to feed and bond and be close. No newborn should be taken from its mum for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week.
A court would allow 1-2 hours a day, every other day, in your presence. Plus babies need relaxed, happy mums.
Don’t put his name on the birth certificate. Don’t give him legal rights he seems likely to abuse. For the first week or so, can you have a “gatekeeper” come and stay with you – mum, sister, friend – whose job is to filter his access to you and babies. Bullies are much less effective when there is a 3rd party present.
Apply to the family court for a child access order as soon as possible. His demands are unrealistic and the court will put a sensible routine in place.
Hopefully by day 4, he will tire of crying, nappy-filling babies and will accept sensible access.