Access Arrangements

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    I am a very newly single mum (as of Sunday). Our daughter doesn’t know yet as she has her 11+ in September and we want to minimise her stress.

    We have lived apart for nearly 2 years anyway because he has worked abroad and more recently now works back in the UK but about 4 and a half hours drive away.

    Functionally I guess I’ve been a single mum that long although I didn’t expect him to end our marriage.

    There are a few difficulties in the coming weeks to work through but he wants us to work out financial arrangements and access for when she does know.

    He has sent me proposed dates for having our daughter. Essentially every other weekend. Am I being unreasonable to not want her to travel 4 and a half hours across the country every other weekend? She has a club she loves on Fridays that doesn’t finish until 6 so she wouldn’t get there until at least 10.30pm.

    My daughter and I are incredibly close and she finds sleeping in new places difficult. She hasn’t yet been to his home (neither of us have which in hindsight is telling) and she and my husband get on great apart from when they don’t. I have “run interference” between them both over the years and worry they will have contentious visits.

    I also suspect that once we tell her she may initially be reluctant to spend time with my husband and be quite angry as well as hurt/emotional etc. I am not prepared to force her to go but do believe she needs a relationship with him. And him her.

    This was his decision, not mine. I wanted to work on things, he did not. I am trying to be as emotionless/practical about things as he is being.

    Her well being is my only priority here.

    What do I do for the best???

    #14663 Report


    I know I should. I’ll do my best. The club is termly and paid up front so all or nothing really. It’s all a bit unreal at the moment – the club isn’t a priority, more a factor.

    He claims no bigger plan, more a sudden realisation. The work overseas was a joint decision with the intent for us to join him. The 4.5 hours was a job he really wanted, again with a view to us joining him. He’s been in permanent accommodation a few months now but not had us up there. He has no family there, they’re all further away than me. He hasn’t been there long enough for there to be someone there….I would assume..? There may have been someone overseas but I don’t know that. I think he just got a taste of the single life and I don’t fit that plan, yet I can pick up the day to day child care responsibility…..🤔

    Sorry if I’m dense but what do you mean by EOW?

    I’ve had interim legal advice and will not agree to anything outside of mediation.

    I don’t plan to be overly contentious, maybe that’s naive, I just hope for financials to be fair (I am a part time worker/ mum as agreed when we planned a family) and he has all the financial power. I want this to be as calm, reasonable and dignified as is possible. I didn’t want this but this is what I got. I could be angry and vindictive but that solves nothing and is really redundant at this point isn’t it?

    I’m not sure what next steps are. I’m quite numb.

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