Access, any advice??

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  • #5601 Report


    Hi all, I have just discovered this forum and am relieved to read posts from like minded people! My question is this: how do I establish regular access with my 14 year old’s dad?! We have informally agreed to Friday overnight (he drops back off at 8am! And Sunday lunch, however, he changes things last minute to fit in with his social life and my son is almost not wanting to go at all! It is difficult having any conversation with my ex as he gets so defensive at the slightest perceived criticism! I am really fed up with him taking me for granted. I even had to keep my son off school as he was going slow getting ready as he felt a bit poorly and my ex would not wait a few minutes, (did not even contact to see how he was!). Does anyone else have similar problems and how do you handle it to reduce stress? Xxxx

    #30480 Report


    Hi, I am sorry to see that you were unable to get a little feedback.

    As you requested some advice on how to reduce stress, I do not feel at liberty to mention much else other than the fact that I really do hope that you managed to find a middle ground with the father of your child.

    I personally have found a various range of oils that I swear by. Aromatherapy is a very useful way to relax, it is very controversial but it most definitely works for me. If this does not work for me, I know it may sound cliche but exercise really does help at high times of stress and if that’s not for you, you could try laughing. Yes!! LAUGH IT OUT!! not in a sarcastic way but :

    Studies have been done for years surrounding laughter. DR. William.F.Fry Psychiatrist (1960), father of gelotology (the study of laughter) stated that carefree or high spirited laughter is both good physical exercise and can help to reduce stress. Feeling more aches and pains than usual?? Laughter also releases endorphins which is a natural painkiller which can help if your immune system has been lowered due to stress.. comedy? try something on the tv or take a night out with a friend to watch a comedian live. If this is not possible you could try some laughing techniques in the comfort of your own home, WARNING YOU MAY FEEL A LITTLE SILLY but it is all good for the mind and body.

    First, try a little warm-up. This could include simply clapping your hands or using a deep breathing exercise. Then go on to use different forms of laughter (high, low, hearty, sarcastic, scary, bewitching…etc..) in line with your breathing exercises to achieve good outcomes. YOU MAY JUST EVEN FIND YOURSELF ACTUALLY LAUGHING. It helps to practice this with someone to add to the fun and enjoyment of what it. You can find a wide range of information for this theory online. Please have a little read. LAUGHTER YOGA.

    Hope you are well

    Best Wishes 🙂



    #30487 Report


    With my ex, he always puts himself and his wants first so I stopped access completely.

    After a couple of weeks he accused me of “stopping him seeing his child” so we started again but with the clear understanding that if he messes me about again without warning, then it would stop again.

    I am flexible if he wants to switch days, and do my best to make it work for my son but like you’re finding, it was getting silly. You could try putting your foot down – hard 😊

    #30541 Report


    I also had to stop contact for a short time. The ex was being very selfish, putting himself first, and playing games. I decided enough was enough, I didn’t need him and I would look after the children myself. That’s when they either take it more seriously if they are bothered about seeing their children or they disappear. I personally would let your son decide, he can obviously see that his dad isn’t that interested of making the effort. It shouldn’t be down to you to put the effort in on his behalf. I hope it works out well for you.

    #30546 Report


    Hi, not sure if it helps but my DD has just turned 15 and she decides when she is going to see her Dad around her friends and social life! She is very good as I have no contact with him so will check with me beforehand & she & I share a calendar & diary where I put things that we have arranged so she knows if it’s a definite no to him.

    #30549 Report


    I can totally relate to this – my kids dad isn’t consistent in when he calls (he promises to call and doesn’t) nor when he’s around to see the kids. He demands to see them and then goes off for ‘work’ for 3 weeks.

    I am still trying to figure things out – we only separated 6 months ago, so we are yet to separate / divorce and I don’t want to overly piss him off. However, I continuously make it clear (in writing) that he is upsetting our kids by not doing what he says he will.

    It’s incredibly difficult being in the situation of the full-time parent and the other parent seems to be choosing what fits in to their lifestyle – ha, parenting isn’t an option, it’s a bloody commitment.

    enough of my rant. Just wanted to say I understand.

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