Access and truthfully am I being unreasonable
29 February 2020 at 5:29 pm #37258
Long post I’m sorry but I just don’t know what to do anymore.
We separated last year some what out of the blue, my ex decided he was leaving me for someone that he met on a flight home from America !! We’ve been together 18 years two children about aged eight and a girl 11.
It didn’t work out with the person he was leaving me for actually it didn’t get past the first meeting but he moved out anyway.
Obviously I was hurt and confused at the beginning but managed to carry on and we managed to keep things amicable.he promised he would remain a good dad and provide for them and would look after us financially etc, we decided we would leave the divorce and go for mutual separation after two years to avoid upset and animosity.
five months later off he went to his solicitors and the next thing I’m being served with divorce papers for unreasonable behaviour (he didn’t give any reasons to once again avoid animosity).
we got through Xmas pretty stress free but then things suddenly changed and loan behold there’s another woman on the seen which he initially said they was just dating this now seems to be getting a little more serious. Not bothered he’s met someone else glad he’s happy and I’m happy by myself .
i work five days a week.
he works offshore usually for 4-6 weeks at a time
As a married couple we facilitated our children in taking part in lots of school activities and when he was at home that was fine when he was at work his family would help (I don’t have any parents and my other family live to far away )
Daughter is an elite gymnast and top swimmer. Trains 25 miles away from home four days a week, swims several times a week but closer to home.
son also does gymnastics twice a week,swims and plays guitar.
i have one evening off a week.
When ex is not working he is at home seven days a week and does nothing !!!
Ex takes the kids to school even though it’s where I work, picks them up does his fair share and has them overnight alternative weekends. And sees them of an evening when he can depending on the children’s very busy schedule.
im happy with this and the children are happy with this until….
he started wanting to change dates and routines etc to see his new girlfriend, now as you can probably tell I have a very busy life and room for manoeuvre is very limited within that time table, at first I tried to facilitate the change but when it became more frequent I have got angry about it. (New girlfriend lives a good distance away )
when I tried to change the routine over half term to give him more time with his girlfriend and for me to spend some quality time with the children he blew a gasket in front of our son and threw me out of his house !!!!
all was resolved until once again he changed things and I was presented with a schedule to adhere to to allow him time to see his girlfriend but I must be flexible for change !!!,
i know nothing about this girlfriend other than she lives away and has children. (Apparently it is currently none of my business and I will be informed on a need to know basis ) fair enough.
after another incident yesterday on my front door step where he was in my face swearing and waving his hands at me and trying to intimidate me I have blown a gasket and said that hinges need to change.
i have tried to explain to him that he does not need to see the children as often as he does and I’m happy to take on extra responsibility to enable him to his other life, but apparently that makes me unreasonable and he will not stop seeing the children any less than what he does and I’m expected to work around him!!
I need th8ngs to change I want him out of my life as much as possible and to have a semi rigid access plan in place to maintain stability for us all. (I say semi rigid due to swimming galas and extra training hours etc )
i have download the parent planner from here and emailed it to him and requested a meeting in a pubic place on Wednesday to discuss things (he hasn’t responded to me) to avoid his intimidation and hopefully a calm meeting to discuss things.
he maintains I am being unreasonable not allowing him to see the children as and when he wants and I’m to have no knowledge of his personal life at the current minute.
am I being unreasonable asking him to take a step back away from seeing the children ?
i want some life back for me without him being in it six days a week.
The plan I suggested to him which still allowed him to have them every other weekend for overnight stays fri-Sunday and to see the children twice during the week apparently isn’t good enough and I’m selfish.
I do refuse to let the children spend one week with me and vice versa because he can often go away at the drop of a hat with just a day or twos warning and I refuse to fit in with his new girlfriends schedule because it’s having to much of an impact on my life.
i always have and always will put my children first.
at the minute it feels like he wants to have it all his own way and throws a tantrum when it means he can’t see his girlfriend.29 February 2020 at 6:44 pm #37263
The question is “What is reasonable?” It’s all a matter of perspective. I suppose you could consider mediation. This way you could discuss your ideas with a third party present, thus keeping everything civil. Worth a go?
You are obviously putting your children’s needs first, so well done to you for that. But maybe mediation could take the edge of things for you. It’s hard to keep a cool head when emotions run high. And, sometimes emotions do run high.
Best wishes to you29 February 2020 at 8:44 pm #37266
I always give my ex any dates etc the mi ute I get them which is usually well in advance so that he is aware of what is happening, he has a few days to himself and every other week he has five evenings a week to himself where he can live his life without having an impact on the children’s schedule, so am I being unreasonable when he ask me to change all the plans last minute to suite his needs ?? And he has chosen the one day in the week which is extremely busy to decide that I am expected to work around him and his new girlfriend but claims that he is working around me.
We have agreed to meet up next week to discuss things in a public place without the children around due to his aggression towards me but I feel like I’m stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. 😔