Abusive relationship

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  • #11525 Report


    I have just come out of a very disturbing relationship that was extremely difficult for me to leave previously because of my baby.  I was in a relationship with a man who was was racially and emotionally abusive towards me.  He was very controlling to a point that he did not want me to breastfeed our daughter because I’d get saggy breasts after. He’d also make comments like i never thought id have a mixed race child. he even went as far as faking a brain tumour so that I could terminate the pregnancy. he’d ask questions like  …. will she have curly hair or straight ? will she be dark? etc

    some of the details are very disturbing and embarrassing  for me to share but bottom line is we are not together  but he is demanding to see our daughter whenever he wants or he will pursue me legally .

    I have been left completely traumatised and zero self esteem but I want to focus on my daughter and i need someone to point me in the direction of help .

    I know from previous incidences (i have verbal recorded evidence) that he is not capable of looking after her safely at all. I would like to start with day contact and not overnight yet as she has just turned 1 plus the above and also that he lives over 3 hrs drive from me. If I was to take my concerns to mediation or court would my concerns be taken into consideration?

    he has not paid any maintenance to me at all since her birth. Whenever I voiced my concerns he’d tell me that he thinks he’s bipolar and that he is going for treatment and I’d end up dropping the subject.

    please help me. im sick with stress and worry already. I just want my child safe and for me to focus on healing.


    thank you

    #11527 Report


    Is there any record of the verbal abuse? Is there any involvement from Social Services? Has he a criminal record?

    If he wants to take you to court, let him. It won’t go against you. But based on what you’ve said, if there is no evidence of what you’ve said the likelihood is he will eventually get custody following a monitored period of  contact in a centre. Courts do want both parents to be involved in the child’s life, and will be wary of safeguarding issues. But they are also aware of tit for tat arguments in relationships using the child as leverage. If he’s been diagnosed as bipolar, CAFCASS will be able to get a record of that, and that may cause them concern. As for lack of maintenance, what have you asked for? Have you involved CMA/CMS?

    First things first, don’t stress. These things take a long time and you can only take one day at a time. That means focus on your child and let things play out.

    #11529 Report


    I do want him to be involved please don’t get me wrong. I do have recorded evidence of him admitting to verbal and racial abuse also text messages of these conversations.

    i know that our daughter is young and he is not capable of having her overnight yet. I want advice on how to delay overnight access till she us about  2 at least . he is her dad despite what he has put me through and this is far from tit for tat believe me it is genuine concern for my daughter’s safety.

    I am scared of going into too much detail but its genuine concern and id rather she was older than just a year old for overnights.

    I have been scared of his reaction if i ask for maintenance   …. this is not easy for some people in certain situations.. I have just found the courage to ask for help now

    #11538 Report


    Hi Happilyeverafter,

    Sorry to hear that you’re having such a difficult time.

    If you’re concerned for your daughter’s safety when with her father, we recommend taking a lot at our online information to understand your options and to continue to put your child’s safety first: https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/contact-arrangements/#safety You can also call Rights of Women (details listed in the web page) to gain advice on putting a child arrangement order in place.

    We’re glad that you’re using the forum to get support – please do keep doing so.

    Faye from Gingerbread

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