Abusive ex

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  • #43646 Report


    Hi guys. This might be a long one so I apologise in advice.
    I am 22 weeks pregnant, have older children from a previous relationship.
    The relationship with the father of my baby has been turbulent at times, he drinks too often and he has a nasty temper however when he isn’t drinking he is generally lovely but stressy
    When I initially found out I was pregnant he was very up and down with his moods, he doesn’t handle stress or change very well. A lot of his moods came from anxiety regarding being a first time father and money.
    At 14 weeks pregnant he got drunk and started a huge row which resulted in him pushing me, grabbing at my head and then leaving.
    A couple of days later I found out he was active on a dating site (this has happened numerous times before) he swore blind he hadn’t spoken to anyone and the profile was from a while ago, probably when I was just a few weeks pregnant. I reluctantly took him back
    His anxiety seemed to get better over the following weeks and he was excited about being a dad.
    fast forward to last week. He came home from work blind drunk, staggering, non coherent. He started shouting abuse at me re my older children. I asked him to leave
    That night ended with him punching me repeatedly in the face head and ear causing a black eye, swelling, bleeding from my ear and deafness from, I’m assuming a perforated eardrum and head and neck pain which is still tender today.
    he’s been gone from my home since and I made the decision that evening to do this alone.

    Since then he has contacted me telling me he realises now he has a problem with alcohol and anger and has enrolled on a anger management course and contacted the AA

    he’s asked me to reconsider the breakup as he wants to prove to me he can change and be part of the baby’s life, he’s also asked if I would go to couples counselling

    I’m now confused, can a man who has attacked me numerous times over the space of a 2 year relationship really be cured just by not drinking anymore? Or is it his personality so abstinence from alcohol might help but wouldn’t be the only trigger that causes him to hit out

    #43647 Report


    I think, given the information that you’ve provided, you’re best keeping him at arms length. I hope that you have photo evidence of your injuries at the least, incase you didn’t report to police.
    If you’d like a future with this man then I’d take it at a pace you’re happy with, that means very unlikely living together within whatever amount of time (?1year), whilst he’s on probation proving that he can sort himself out. You need to set ground rules and not flex. Keep your space (home) as your own and protect the children you have already from any further instability in their lives. You could start by ‘dating’ each other again and see how that goes?

    Personally, I wouldn’t go back. I would try my best to end it on having a good friendship so that you can raise your child together but separately. The problem is if you go back, and there’s further cheating or violence, then potentially you won’t be in a position to end the relationship positively and this has a huge consequence on effective co-parenting. If I’m ever in just this position again after my previous relationship, I’ll be heading for the hills a lot quicker than I did. I made some terrible decisions and look back with some regret re the time I invested in my relationship. Now I’ve got middle age spread, a few grey hairs and wrinkles to boot. I wasted my youth on the wrong person

    #43656 Report

    Hi SP2020

    Thank you for posting here on our forum.  Please keep an eye out for a private message as I will be sending through some signposting options for you.

    Kind regards, Justine

    #43670 Report


    I second that advice.
    Don’t even give it the chance of happening again.

    #43676 Report


    I really feel for you and I know how hard this is for me, this pretty much happened to me through my pregnancy. Fast forward 4 years and it was no different. These men don’t change but drag you down and ruin what bit is left of you. Like my friend said to me….find any bit of strength you have left anything and use it to leave. Please use it to leave it isn’t easy, but you will find happiness xx

    #43684 Report

    Bradford mummy 2020

    As someone currently undertaking the Freedom Programme and having the benefit of hindsight, please report him to the police now and think carefully about giving him Parental Responsibility on the birth certificate. Document everything NOW in a diary. Get a non molestation order online. Good luck. You got this!!!!!’

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