Abusive ex and child maintenance payments

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  • #23270 Report



    I am a single mum with 2 girls (6 and 8 yrs). I was in a choronically abusive Relationship with my ex for 12 years. I went to refuge for 3 months; social services insisted on me and the girls going. I had also had police involved and was considered by the Thames Valley Police to be a High Risk Victim of Domestic Violence. I was scared of him and hence everything went through court. At a huge cost to me … I live in a remote village with few buses and i am unable to drive. My ex insisted on us Moving there despite knowing i can’t drive and the subsequent restrictions that puts on my life and that of the girls. An ijunction was introduced meaning he’s not allowed up my street. Howver he rents just a mile away, haunting me. He never does any actvites either by himself or with the girls in our village thus he doesnt need to liveso near to me. He tells the girls that the park in my village is rubbish and that that is why he takes them to the park in nearby Aylesbury; the only park i can take the girls to is the village park. The girl tellme that he thinks it is rubbish. He also has a car. Yet he wishes to continue to try and control my life. As a result of the divorce i am currently fully relient on state benefits and child maintennce. I am starting up my own proofreading and copy-Editing business (self employed) with the hope of that bringing in a bit of an income for me and the girls. At the moment i have only had one client; i am right at the beginning. My ex used to refuse to let me study so at least that is Something ive achieved since being away from him; ive completed a proofreading qualification and have my own business card and website 🙂 My current problem is that without an established client base, I have no significant income. The Job Centre are being supportive but, that means that all i get is JSA once a Week ( circa £72) which is next to nothing when i am the one responsible for paying all the house bills and the mortgage 🙁 I do also receive child benefit and child tax crédits but it amounts to barely anything. My mjor problem is that my ex has reduced the child maintnenace from £182 pcm to £62 pcm 🙁 That is for 2 children 🙁 And, he has done it by his own choice. He didnt even ask me 🙁 He informed me in an email last week. He knows iam struggling financially and that the children need the moeny to meet their basic needs (gas, electricity and food). His primary concern is to get at me, but that comes at a cost to the girls 🙁 In court he refused to let the house be sold, knowing i cannot drive and that it restricts my life and subsequently those of the little girls. And yet now, hes depriving them of more money. He is self employed and the earnings he declairs equate to less than that which someone living on benefits would receive 🙁 Andyet he has bought a new car, lives in a house which costs circa £1000 pcm and then he has utility bills to pay on top ofthat and he takes the girls on days out. Yet he declares that he is earning less than someone on statebenefits. I am sure he is lying. He is dsclosng the minimum possible and getting money in somehow else. I konw that before meeting me he usd to rent his spare room out to a tenant but refused to be paid in anything other than cash. That meant that he didnt disclose his monthly income from rent. He knows full well how to play the system. Does anyone know what i can do to ensure he pays more maintenance? A friend in my villagesaid she receives£500 child maintenance pcm and that is for just one child. Additionally, the court order says that he should show me his self-assessed taxform each april. Lastyear the Financial court hearing was in early March 2018, the court decided that he should pay me a pathetic £182 pcm. The tax self assessment he showed in court was that of 2016-2017 because the next tax year (April 2017-2018) hadnt yet begun atthe time of the hearing…  So, he then paid me £182 pcm until last Week, just before the end of the 2018-2019 tax year, when he sent me an emailsaying he was going to reduce it to £62 pcm 🙁 That is about £1 per child per day 🙁 And yet he is living in a house with ensuites at a cost of £1000 per month . He must be lying. I dared to tell him inan email that he has given me the tax Disclosure for 2017-2018 and that he should be giving me the form for 2018-2019… It is possible that he has earnt more money in 2018-2019 but obviously doesnt want to disclose it 🙁 He doesnt think about his children. All he wants to do is hurt me but a the same time he is depriving me from having the ability to properly afford bills, mortgage and food … 🙁 Please does anyone know what i must do to have him investigated? The girls are suffering because of his manipulation. Additionally, i dont feel able to handle my abusive ex by myself. He is too manipulative and nasty 🙁 Does anyone know what i can do to get someone else to contact him. I have already tried sending him a message myself daring to say it isnt fair and that the form he needs to show me is 2018-2019 and not 2017-2018 but, unless someone more senior and official approaches him, he isnt going to listen to me. I will simply get a repeat of his manipulative emails 🙁 He also does things like buys the girls new trainers when in factthey desperately need school shoes. He buys them at the weekend but then tells the girls to tell me that i have to buy them shoes. He uses the girls as a tool to get at me 🙁 He isnt nice 🙁 I need some help. Can anyone help me? Best wishes, Fliss


    #23275 Report



    I know this situation must be difficult for you but you are doing everything right. Businesses can take a few months to take flight so hang in there. You have a website, use social media to promote your business. I’m sure local businesses will need someone with your skills to cover absenses etc so you provide that while the children are in school.

    As for the ex I don’t think the CSA exist anymore so I don’t know a way to make it official only through courts. But you don’t need this stress. The reason why your ex is being difficult is because its the only way to keep hold of you. If he gets under your skin it means he is there with you in your thoughts. And by ignoring the needs of the children that makes him a jerk.

    I stopped asking my ex for money years ago. When I was really desperate he threw the money on the floor. It was £30 and it was for food as I just started work and money was going out as fast as it went in the bank. He also used to keep turning up unannounced but has stopped doing that. Maybe he has finally grown up now our lad is older. Its took years of standing my ground but now he doesn’t behave like an idiot because he knows I’m not one.

    Tonight think of all the ways you can get your business noticed. There are a lot of websites where you can get typing work too. You just got to keep looking. And try not to rely on your ex’s money just put it away for a rainy day. When the work comes in you wont miss it 😀

    #23284 Report


    As far as I’m aware the CSA does exist but in a new form, you’d have to pay a small fee to set it up but they have far more power than the old system.

    The best thing that you can do is contact the gingerbread team by phone and they will definitely be able to help.

    #23296 Report

    Hi Butcherf1988,

    It sounds like you’re having a really difficult time at the moment. You can contact our free Gingerbread helpline on 0808 802 0925 and speak to one of our advisers about child maintenance and benefits you’re entitled to when you’re self employed.

    The free 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline can also offer support with the ongoing abuse from your ex. You can contact them on 0808 2000 247.


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