8 February 2021 at 5:05 pm #49270
I have been separated from my ex for nearly 3 years, I have done everything I can to try and have a civil relationship for our daughter but he has made it impossible, being very abusive on drop offs infront of our daughter and when I don’t react to him starting a row he will take our daughter back to the car to drive off with her! Any clothes I put her in are not good enough he’s always complaint about how she’s dressed!This has caused me great anxiety every time it’s due for him to have her! I had to go to the police as could not take it anymore and was given an undertaking order which is similar to an injunction. We made all contact through my mum but he has now been abusive to her doing the same thing going to drive off with our daughter which resulted in him pushing my mum so have now stopped it through her. (He does this to try and make the contact through me again to make my life hell)I have found a contact centre to do drop offs and pick ups for me but when they called him they have said he said he cannot afford to pay for it. He will only pay half the monthly bill. But all this is due to his behaviour, he does not pay matenance for our daughter so therefore I cannot afford to pay any towards this not feel I should as because of him we are here. He is taking me to court about access to seeing our daughter even tho I have not stopped him , he has not seen her since pushing my mum in December and said he will wait till court which is in March to see her! I’m now so worried about what will happen in court will they make me pay for the contact centre will they make me pay half? I fell if they do it’s not fair as I am doing everything on my own and don’t need anymore exspense added to my life especially for him when he does not want to support me with our daughter in anyway! Please any advise would be good if anyone’s been in my shoes, I just want this nightmare to stop! Kate8 February 2021 at 10:34 pm #49286
You can ask social services for help and they can refer you to an independent worker who supports women who suffer domestic abuse.
You can also report what is happening to the court by asking to change child arrangement order.
Call police again and ask for advice.8 February 2021 at 10:41 pm #49287
You could do handovers outside a supermarket or any neutral place where its busy as this would reduce conflict. You could also stop having any form of communication in person until he is civil towards you. A lot of people use whatsapp/text or email to communicate.
If you went to family court its highly unlikely if he doesnt pay you maintenance that they would expect you to pay half of the handover fees for contact centre as you wouldnt be able to afford it. He shouldnt be complaining about how your daughter is dressed , because if he doesnt approve then he can go online and buy your daughter clothes himself. I wouldnt worry about going to family court as you are not deliberately stopping contact . It is because of his hostile behavior which needs addressing9 February 2021 at 9:31 am #49297
Thanku so much for comments. I’ve tried the dropping offs and pick ups with me in every way I can and his behaviour does not change which is why we are where we are. Hopefully the court will see him for what he is and what he’s doing to me and see I’m doing it all alone and support me by helping me in getting him to see her without his behaviour affecting our daughter by it being away from me.9 February 2021 at 12:45 pm #49300
There are similarities between your story and my own. I have 3 children with my ex partner though only the youngest visits him now. We have a CAO in place for that child. We used to transfer the children between us, though his antics were very similar to those you mention. Very difficult to prove but an underlying abusive pattern. He then went on to make allegations that I was roughly handling my child at transfer which completely wasn’t true. I chose to protect myself from his fabricated lies and on the orders of the court, we switched to 3rd party transfers, we each named 3 individuals who would facilitate transfers, with neither parent present. If you have an ex like mine, then he continues to turn up at my nominates home addresses in person and now they’ve withdrawn their support. Currently the only time our youngest visits him is when he can collect from school on alternate Fridays and return to school Monday. I have a non molestation order running alongside the CAO even though the courts do not like to mix the 2. You need to keep a diary of the distressing incidents and if you feel it justifies a non mol then make your application. The court will look for incidents that have occurred that are not in relation to the children. If they’re all related to the children then your CAO needs tightening up rather than a non mol. The court generally won’t be interested in whether your ex contributes financially towards your child though I feel it’s worth mentioning if they ask you to contribute to a contact centre. Courts do not like contact centres and will try to avoid this route. They’re likely to push the named nominates transfers. Don’t worry about the hearing, you sound to made reasonable attempts to maintain the contact. Try and make an incident timeline to refer to, that way your version of events remains consistent and highlights a pattern of behaviour spanning …. years. Have you actually got a hearing date or is he just telling he’s applied in the hope it causes you more distress? It will be a positive thing for you to get this sorted and it’s likely that court may be inevitable9 February 2021 at 1:16 pm #49301
a harsher option would be you could give him a written warning, that if he continues to be abusive at handovers, then you will stop contact.9 February 2021 at 1:33 pm #49303
I will not do the handovers especially now I have the undertaking order in place and any family member that was willing to do it will not now as they do not want his abuse either (which is what he was like to them too) he does it so that his hope is it will go back to me and enjoys causing me grief! I have a hearing the beginning of March , he’s saying I’m stopping him seeing our daughter which I have not , saying I’m mentally unstable as I’m stopping him but even through all this and the way he treats me I have still tryed to keep it that he sees her I’ve just asked it be through someone else. He has not seen her since December and this is by his own choice had the chance to pick her up from the contact centre but refused and said he wants to wait until court, all this court is not because he’s worried about his daughter (he’s not botherd about her otherwise he would be seeing her now) this is just to put me through hell! I just want this nightmare to be over, I feel like he’ll never stop.9 February 2021 at 1:56 pm #49304
I hope your hearing goes well. courts, especially cafcass hate for kids to witness ugly behaviour between parents.9 February 2021 at 2:00 pm #49305
Thanku, I’m dreading it so much he’s a compulsive liar and dread to think what he’s gona say about me! I deserve credit for doing it all not his abuse I’m so tired of it.