Absent father now wanting contact – SINGLE MUM

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  • #6865 Report

    sls1991
    Participant

    So since i was 6 months pregnant, the biological father of my daughter (who is now 1) walked away from us wanting nothing to do with me or my daughter.

    This means he is not on the birth certificate and therefore has no PR!  I have raised my daughter for the past year by myself with no help/ assistance or child support from him.

    Within the last week he has got in touch with me and now wants contact with his daughter.  (I knew this day would come but never thought it would of been this quickly, so am in a little shock and pretty emotional over the whole situation).

    My daughter has never met this man and now he wants to meet her.   I have a lot of bad feelings for him and after previously receiving a lot of verbal obscenities and feeling basically emotionally abused, I do not feel comfortable seeing him alone or with my daughter at the moment.  I do not feel that i could comfortably invite this man into my house to meet my daughter (in her comfort zone).

    I am also nervous about him wanting to be added to the birth certificate or wanting to gain PR.

    Coming from a separated family myself, i know the importance of a father being in a child’s life and i am not saying that i am against them forming a bond.  I am just an extremely nervous and protective parent who is looking for any advice on what my first step forward should be.

    TIA

    #6868 Report

    Sophiia
    Participant

    Hey, I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. My advise firstly would be do not add him to the birth certificate no matter what, as this way you remain in control. Especially over things like taking her out of the country getting a passport etc…. if you’re not comfortable giving him access that’s totally up to you. I have been in exactly the same situation and my son is now 18months- I however haven’t had any contact and I think there comes a point where what’s best for your child may be not having him in the picture, but everyone’s situation is different. It sounds like you’re still hurt and you’re well within your rights to take your own time to make a decision. Just because he’s the biological father doesn’t mean he has the right to walk back into your life when he pleases. I hope this helps. Xx

    #6872 Report

    sls1991
    Participant

    Thanks for your comment!!

    I just really don’t know what to do for the best or how to handle it all!! Especially when it’s been sprung on me out of nowhere!!

    Suppose il just give myself time to think about it all.

    #6874 Report

    CastleDad
    Participant

    I think you should evaluate how serious he is in wanting contact. If he is genuinely interested, for the right reasons, and there is no particular risk I think you should encourage contact and be positive about it. It is best for everyone.

    I have not been to contact centres but that is probably the best avenue to begin with. The matter of PR, if he is genuinely interested in contact, he can get the court to give him that.

    Whatever your feelings to him, this needs to be separate from the relationship of him and his daughter. In the immediate time period the decision is yours but if he is strongly feels he wants contact and is prepared to go down the legal route then the decision will be taken away from you. Court will become stressful and that in itself is not good for your daughter.

     

     

    #6894 Report

    sls1991
    Participant

    I am really grateful for all of the above comments.

    I know that contact is the answer but my feelings and emotions are running all over the place out of shock really!  I knew this day would come at some point but never expected it to be so soon!  I just want to protect my daughter and make sure she comes to no harm emotionally.  I have experienced this with my own father so i’m extra protective and alert.  I know i cannot foresee the future and how things will pan out and once i have gotten used to the idea, i will get over any bad feelings and step up to the plate for my daughter.  I will be strong!

    Thank you ever so much for the ideas on how to take my first step forward – I think this was probably worrying me the most as i had no clue on how to handle any of this.  I feel like i have woken a little more in control of the situation today after reading the post from ‘Anonymous’ – So a huge thank you coming your way !!!

    I know that he can become pressurizing (hey, cant we all) but i don’t want to have to feel compelled to do something too quickly.  I obviously don’t want him to think i’m trying to deceive him at all so any words of wisdom on explaining to him that i need to go at my own pace would be welcomed!

    Thank you again

    #10655 Report

    Louise81xx
    Participant

    Wow I’m going through pretty much similar situation my little girls birth father messesd us about from first few weeks of birth… then vanished with no explanation or anything for approx 9months now decides he wants to be in her life and served court papers on me!! The reason he vanished was because he was fscing a jail sentence for possession of a vast amount of drugs!!!  He got off with it somehow…and now asking to be put on birth certificate and regular overnight unsupervised visits!! I mean please any advice on this would be appreciated. Is it my way of thinking or is this guy absolutely unreal in what he is asking and is a stranger’ to my daughter with the drug dealing risk too wtf 😞

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