About to become a dad! (unplanned pregnancy)
2 December 2020 at 1:14 pm #46507
I never thought I would find myself in this situation!
I am in mid 30s (male). The type that have spent far too many years at university labs and as an academic. Moved to London a couple of years ago, created a technology start-up company and devoted all my resources and last ounce of energy to work (working 2-3 jobs at times).
Started seeing someone about a year ago. She does not live in London and she has a demanding job too (NHS doctor), as a result we saw each other maybe once or twice a month (lockdown permitting!). After a few months, I started to feel the relationship was not going exactly great and thought wether we should continue or not. A few months ago we discussed that we both felt the relationship is not progressing, but decided to try living in for a couple of months and see if we are really up to something or not! But since my business was massively impacted by COVID and was at the brink of failing, we agreed to postpone it until around February next year.
Fast forward to now, we have an unplanned pregnancy on our hands! (only 6 weeks). We have the option of terminating it, but she is determined that she does not want to do that. She is not religious, and as a doctor helps many patients go through this process every week, but she is adamant that she will not do it.
This was a wake up call for me as you can imagine! In the past 2 weeks, I have taken a lot of time off work, we met face-to-face many times and also speak on the phone every day! Needless to say, there has been a lot of crying and screaming in the past 2 weeks. After considering it long and hard, it is very clear to me this relationship is not going to last a life time! It is cold and loveless, and I believe everyone deserve better. In particular, bringing a child to a broken family is not really responsible!
One last thing to add is my own childhood. I lost my mother to a car accident at the age of 5, and lived with an irresponsible dad and an emotionally abusive step mum until high school age when I left home and did not look back. Throughout my childhood and teen years, I felt very lonely and helpless. My childhood left me notionally traumatised and I struggled with depression and anxiety all my life. I am terrified of the same thing happening to my child.
So now I am have 3 options: 1) to be able to be around my child, I could fully embrace the situation and settle down into a life that not only I don’t desire, but also I feel somehow emotionally bullied into! 2) say goodbye and be completely out, and potentially live the rest of my life devastated by strong shame and guilt! 3) Ask her if she will would allow my name to be registered on the child’s documents and if I can have some access to the child, so at least they will have a chance to know their dad. I know option 3 seems like a good compromise, but somehow it still feels like the worst of both worlds! And for the child too! I should mention she has indicated that her preference is for me to stay and form a family!
Any advice, help, word of wisdom would be very much appreciated. Also if anyone has been in a similar situation, I would really like to see how things turned out, so I can peek into future a bit!
Thank you in advance.2 December 2020 at 1:40 pm #46511
I think you will feel differently as soon as the child is brought into the world, when you become a father everything changes… it’s like a lightbulb moment and everything you thought you would feel before is turned on its head and it affects different people different ways.
Firstly I would say that from the perspective of both being a father and a being in any relationship… as well as for your own personal wellbeing…. it sounds like you’ve been through a lot of trauma yourself and that will affect both of those things, so in first instance I would urge you to try to see someone to help deal with your childhood so that you can learn to live now.
You may find that once you address those issues you will see things clearer but also maybe it will help with your relationships… part of it is about finding the right person but also about being the right person… and when you’ve got a lot of baggage it does help to deal with that first. Also don’t underestimate the pressures of covid situation on all relationships. Everything is a strain at the moment and you may find that once things settle a bit that both you and her are able to work through your differences.
In any case I would say that her unborn child is your responsibility … she will be scared right now and needs your support, and would urge you to try to be there as much as you can during her pregnancy regardless of where your relationship ends up.
Have a think about things but certainly you need to talk to someone about your own issues and I think your current situation and how to deal with it will be clearer.
Good luck!3 December 2020 at 1:05 pm #46554
#33 December 2020 at 3:11 pm #46571
Hiya, it sounds like you are having a hard time so well done for reaching out . it sounds like because your life circumstances have been difficult it would be difficult for you to embrace fatherhood whatever the relationship or circumstances. I feel very sorry for the mother of your child because pregnancy is a highly vulnerable time when all you want to hear is that someone will have your back and emotionally support you , it would also be nice to feel loved at this time in your life … It sounds like even mentioning abortion will not be something she will forget ever…but she might forgive you with time and TLC. I don’t blame her and pray she has support elsewhere. There is a wonderful book based on scientific evidence (it sounds like something that would resonnate with you) about pregnancy and childhood and how it affects us all in the long run. It is called “why love matters” it is really quite an eye opener and I think you would enjoy reading it even if some bits can be painful. You are in your mid 30s not a teenager and will have a child, it is wonderful. Try to be there for the mother of your child, make her feel that it is maybe not such a mistake after all, tell her you are scared because if your childhood traumas (women are extremely forgiving of behaviour linked to those) That she will be a great mum ( she sounds like she will be). If you can’t envisage a relationship with her then try a respectful co parenting setting . A child will be fine as long as he has some contact with both parents, he/she will hurt if she sees anyone unhappy . You will not regret this , noone regrets having children…they are the most precious gift . Get some help with your childhood issues ( before the birth is best) and enjoy, I promise you it will be hard but fun. All the best, lily3 December 2020 at 3:21 pm #46574
PS: noone should lose a parent that young, life can be cruel. My heart goes out to you.4 December 2020 at 10:30 pm #46645
Hey WillowTree, your story is very similar to mine only that I am the woman :). I can’t tell you much into the future as I am only 5 months pregnant now. I don’t know if it will help you at all if I tell you how I feel about it but maybe a little :).
So I got pregnant unexpectedly and was just shocked at first but then felt that I wanted to keep the baby (I guess that’s just women’s biology). My bf wanted to push me to have an abortion and became quite aggressive and manipulative. He broke up with me cause I wanted to keep it. Two weeks later wanted to talk and said ‘ok let’s do this’. Since then he was kind of in my life but not really. He is definitely not supportive and all he does is argue with me and tell me how bad I am that I decided to keep the baby. I definitely do agree this decision was unfair for him and I am really sorry he was pushed into this. I understand it is very abstract for him and he can definitely not imagine anything but I wish he was either here fully or not at all. I feel very alone and sad that he is not here during this time, things change and I am pretty scared about so much, I just wish he was there sometimes even if it’s just to tell me “don’t worry, it will be fine”. It probably sounds selfsh, I dont know, but pregnancy has been very difficult and all I want is for him to be nice and not constantly tell me how bad I am. Or else just leave me alone completely.
If you don’t decide for option 2, maybe try to be there for her and even if it’s just to tell her she’s not alone. I know you feel bullied into this situation but how could she have made it fair for both of you, I’m sure she did never want to hurt you. Also, I think it’s in your hands how you handle the parenting so I wouldn’t say you can already predict the child won’t be happy just because your relationship isn’t perfect?
I wish you good luck and hope you will find a way that works for you.5 December 2020 at 12:09 am #46648
Number 3 is the best choice