A year on and I’m still as sad as the day it ended

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  • #41824 Report

    Sallenew
    Participant

    Hi All,

    I’m more than a little nervous posting for the first time but I am so down and could do with any words of wisdom or support.

    My husband and I separated 13 months ago, after being together for 13 years, we have two kids. It was my decision to leave, for lots of reasons I won’t go into. We have remained friends and have a very amicable relationship.
    There are days where I feel ‘ok’ but even on those days there is a heaviness in my heart that I can’t shake. Some nights I still cry myself to sleep grieving what I’ve lost. I’ve had counselling, tried to keep busy, I have some friends who I talk to, family close by, I work very hard and have a great distraction in my work. I exercise and try to take care of myself. I feel I’m doing everything “in the book” to help me heal….but if I’m truly honest with myself I’m not healing at all.
    I’m overwhelmed with sadness, the guilt of breaking up my kids family as they knew it, I lost my home, 50% of time with my children, and every dream I had for the future. I feel stuck, unable to fully move on and I’m absolutely terrified it will always feel this way.

    Im tired of always having to put a brave face on and be strong. I feel like I want to be a kid again so someone can make it all better. I’m tired and not the tired sleep can fix. I need peace and I’m really struggling to find it. There are days I feel more positive but I really thought that by now I’d be feeling a lot better than I am. I have nothing to compare this to and have no idea how long it takes to come out of this grieving process. I know I am not alone but it really does feel like it sometimes 😔

     

    #41825 Report

    Adam_1982
    Participant

    It’s natural to have lots of emotions. I would say this though, maybe easier to say as a man, but analyse a bit more and use logic. This is in terms of why you made your decision to leave. There must have been reasons for the decision. Maybe you need to think about what was missing in that relationship and your old life. Maybe things at the moment aren’t looking so great but think about what you’d like from your life in future. Being single, a better relationship etc. Or just a different job or hobby. Maybe write down what you’d like from life, it’s a start. That’s not to say that will solve all your issues, we are human and emotions are tricky. But when you can calm your mind thinking a bit more analytically as to why you are where you are now in terms of the decision you made to end the relationship may help. What could have been better etc.? What did you learn from the relationship? Could you do anything better in future? I found it helpful to look at my own flaws rather than those of my ex, I can control what I can improve but can’t control my ex.

    Not sure if that will help but those things helped me. But even so, everyone gets down days so that’s just how it goes. But hopefully brighter days will be ahead for you. You have to start by thinking what would make life better, going back to the past is rarely the answer.

     

    #41827 Report

    DarkShadow
    Participant

    Same sort of situation and 5 years on I still havn’t got over it but it does get easier.

    Im sure you had your reasons to take such a big step and clearly staying together would have had a negative effect on the children.

    Unfortunetly not all families stay under one roof but your children are lucky to still have both parents in their lives, my children havnt seen their dad for 5 years because he never bothered and believe me that hurts even more.

    My advice would be to always try to look at the positives and always look at what you do have rather then what you dont. Although its hard (i know because iv been there) try to not revisit the past and think about ‘what if’s’.  Accept what has now happened and think of ways to move forward.

    Im not saying this will definately help or if it is even what you want but I found getting into a relationship helped me. I happened to meet someone who iv been with for 4 years now.

     

    Hope thats helped and I do hope you find peace and happiness

     

     

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