8w pregnant with first, unreliable father, completely lost and alone
6 June 2019 at 2:06 am #26052
I’ve just joined here, I’m already at my wit’s end and I’m only 8 weeks into the pregnancy.
I was slowly getting to know someone for a few months, and then we slept together once. After that I didn’t hear from him for weeks so told him not to bother me again, he clearly got what he wanted. I was completely ok with this but then I found out I was pregnant.
I was with my ex for 8yrs and had a MC when our relationship ended. I want children badly but only ever planned them with him.
Anyway I got in touch with this guy, who actually responded (he’d ignored me since we slept together). Right away he told me to have an abortion and when I said I couldn’t he got nasty and started saying I don’t know his last name so can never even try for child support etc (I do know it, and hadn’t mentioned CS!).
A week later he contacts me again asking to meet. It’s my child’s father, so I agreed for the baby’s sake. He said he cares, and wants to do the right thing but doesn’t think he will. He has two children with his ex and she has a tendency to prevent him seeing them over little things, so is terrified of our situation now. I understand but that’s not my fault. He says best case scenario is he’ll see the child in secret and hour before or after work sometimes, his kids will never know of another sibling, and I’m assuming his family won’t either. But he has also asked me to make it easy on him by not giving the child his last name, and to even tell the child I don’t know who their father is when they are old enough to want to go looking for him. I’m so hurt for this baby, as much as I’ll love and protect them they deserve a father who will do the same. Especially when he’s a good dad to his other children. It’s getting me really depressed and the guilt over my child’s future “daddy issues” is already taking over my happiness at bringing a beautiful life into the world.
On top of this, the day after my first midwife appointment my ex (who I lost contact with 5yrs ago) got back in touch and said he wants to try again. When I was forced to tell him I’m pregnant he was ok with it and said he doesn’t plan on going anywhere. I have no reason to believe him, he lied a lot when we split and disappeared before even finding out the results of a pregnancy test. He didn’t know about the MC till now. His gf of 5yrs has just left him, it’s all very convenient he’s contacted me but nothing I say is making him leave. The stress is just all too much and because it’s so early in the pregnancy I have no one to talk to about it but my “best friend”.
The friend who thought it was ok to suggest an abortion because it’s selfish to be a single parent and it’ll guarantee my child mental problems because they’ll have a strained/non-existent relationship with their father. I just needed to vent to people who understand.
Any advice is welcome, I’m at a loss just trying to get through the first trimester.6 June 2019 at 9:19 am #26056
Welcome to the forum, this is a very supportive place and I’ve no doubt that you’ll chat with people here who totally understand.
You are NOT being selfish for not wanting an abortion, I understand it’s the right way to go for some people in some situations and have no problem with it, however you’re clearly going to love your baby and I think you’d regret it sorely if you were to have the abortion so I’d say that you’re right to say no. In an ideal situation there would be a family unit but life isn’t always like that and if you give all the love and care your child needs then they will not suffer in any way and for your friend to say that your baby will have mental problems if you keep is ludicrous, if you keep any problems with the father away from the child then there won’t be a problem.
Your babies father comes across as being very immature, however it’s very early days and as he is a good father to his other children he may very well step up and be a good dad to your baby. As for not naming the child after him that’s up to you, personally I feel it’s only right to name him on the birth certificate and for the child to take his name, I feel in the long run its better for the child as they will feel that they have 2 parents even if one of them isn’t around in the worst case scenario.
As concerning your ex he is on the rebound and is using you to bring back a bit of security to his life but I think that once he gets over his last relationship he will most likely be off again, you will not be doing yourself any favours by having him back and will probably cause yourself a lot of hurt, I understand that you could do with someone right now who you can get a bit of comfort and support from buy to me it seems that this is about him not you so I’d stay well clear no matter how tempting it may be, he has treated you with no respect by lying to you in the past and is unlikely to of changed…don’t let him hurt you again.
The last thing I will say is that as you’ve wanted a child for so long, congratulations! It’s the most precious and beautiful things to have a child and watch them grow, I’ve been a single full time parent for most of my boys life and do not regret a thing, in fact I cherish all that I gained as Im sure you will regardless of who else is in your life, it’s not easy but it is worth it.
Mark6 June 2019 at 9:42 am #26057
I’m Justine, one of the moderators here. I am glad you have found the forum. It can be a great place to meet other people and I think they offer fantastic support. However from what you have said, it sounds like there is a lot going on for you right at this moment. An agency that may be useful for you to talk through your options with is:
British Pregnancy Advisory Service advises on the options and choices to make. Their number is: 03457304030
Hopefully this will be of some help.
Justine7 June 2019 at 1:47 am #26089
Dear lady, the first trimester can be very difficult emotionally at the best of times, let alone when the person you are pregnant to is all over the place emotionally too. And pregnancy opens this world in which lots of people tell you lots of stories about parenthood and how to do/not do it and make judgements about your choices around that. But other people will come and go; only you will remain with you. How many people do we all know who planned pregnancies in secure, loving relationships but ended up single parents before many months/years had passed. There are no guarantees about relationships with other adults. But it is sure that if your heart tells you it’s your truth to bring this new life to term, you can guarantee that your love will be enough. Look around you will see, and also find here through this forum, many people who are and/or were raised by single parents who are wonderful people.
My suggestion for you is to hear others speak but then take time apart from them. Sit with yourself and listen to your breath, to the seed of new life within you and to your heart beating; hear your own truth about it all shining through and follow that with full confidence that you have everything you need within you to find your right way on your journey – wishing you love and blessing in it, Dawn