6 years on from divorce and still having troubles.

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  • #53655 Report

    A-mum
    Participant

    Hi I’m having a real low point and thought I would reach out to people who might be in the same boat. My ex-husband and his gf (who live separately 25 miles apart) are bombarding me with messages. I’ve had over 30 this week. The gf wants to change child care arrangements from every sunday to every other weekend so they can have a childfree weekend twice a month. They want this set in stone so my girls can’t choose if they want to go or not.

    I realise that doesn’t sound unreasonable. But my children have never stayed overnight with their dad.

    I divorced the father of my two girls 6 years ago. Long story short marriage wasn’t great, he cheated repeatedly, lied, hid money tried to control every aspect of my life.

    From there things only got worse. in terms of behaviour towards me and the girls. Because we owned a house together it took a long time to sort and we were all under one roof for nearly a year.

    I found porn on my then 5yr olds tablet. Porn hub had become a ‘favourite’ because he was watching it on her tablet so much. I took it up with him but he dismissed me as stupid.

    Once living separately, he only had the girls on a Saturday (all he wanted). Would pick them up drop them at his mum’s to go play football. In the small amount of time he was with them he either ignored them or watched porn with them. At the time they were 3&6. They’d regularly refuse to go or come back distressed, saying they either hadn’t seen daddy or that there were naked people on daddies computer.

    Naturally I was terrified (I can only think of one motivation for watching porn with children) I called Social services who came said it’s my word against his. But because a teacher had overheard my daughter talking about what she’d been watching, they called the police who said there was nothing they could do unless he’d physically touched them.

    I didn’t stop his access (I was told by SS it would look bad if it ended up in court). But I did ensure all of his time with them was also with his mum or out in public. And no going on line or looking at devices.

    A year on he bought the closest available house (5 doors up) so he had the excuse to constantly be walking or slowly driving by. Broke in when I was out.

    Again the police did nothing. I got a shrug and was told he’s probably not over you.

    During these covid times it was unreasonable to expect him to be with his mum. He has a gf of a yr that seems nice (don’t live together). So I relaxed the not being alone. My youngest refuses to go with him ( only been 2 days this year). My oldest is nearly 12 and sees him every Sunday. But is very up and down about going.

    She came back upset yesterday because the girlfriends daughter told her I am nasty and controlling and being horrible to the dad. I’ve never met the gf’s daughter, her opinions of me are provided by my ex-husband.

    All of the messages this week have been to tell me how awful I am and that the past is the past. And just get over it. Re-writting history, telling me he’s a brilliant dad who has always done everything. And to let my children sleep over (on the floor) at the girlfriends house or alone with the dad at his house.

    I can’t get over a grown man repeatedly and deliberately showing my children porn. For me it will never be the past. I will never think they are safe there, and I won’t agree to an order that says they have to go.

    But I’m scared this will end up in court. As they are a couple (although living separately) would a judgement go in their favour, could I be forced to send them sleep over?

    Sorry this is long x

    #53659 Report

    Icandothis
    Participant

    Hi, 

    Firstly sorry you’re going through this, and forgive me but he sounds like an absolute vile man. I’m not an expert in any of this, who what the outcome would be if you were to go to court but perhaps weighing up the options is worth considering.

    1. The girls don’t want to see him most of the time

    2. He doesn’t have a comfortable home to warrant their sleeping arrangements. I.e. sleeping on a floor.

    3. He does not provide a safe environment for them

    4. He has a womanising past, and evidence that he has been showing / watching porn in the company of his daughters.

    5. If you don’t attempt court, and refuse to send the girls to his house will he accept or cause more trouble for you and the girls. Including this gf daughter who is making things uncomfortable and causing upset towards your daughter.

    Big decision, go with your gut! It seems you have very good reason to decide on the safety of your children, I’m sure any court will side with you.

    Good luck and stay strong!

    #53660 Report

    A-mum
    Participant

    Thank you hwm. I needed to hear that. The constant messages have got me doubting myself. It’s good to hear someone else say that it’s not ok. Thank you.

    #53661 Report

    Icandothis
    Participant

    Absolutely. It is not OK.

    If you continue to send them to his house, what could that cause? You will be worried out if your mind and the girls have said they don’t want to go – why??? That to me is not good for their wellbeing in the long run.

    I would definitely go to court. But only you know the best solution.

    Just be safe and stay positive x

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