6 months on&still struggling to coming to terms with break up&single motherhood

Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum 6 months on&still struggling to coming to terms with break up&single motherhood

This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Jani39 2 months ago.

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #22388 Report

    Jani39
    Participant

    Hi, my ex left me and my 3 year old boy 6moths ago and it’s been a roller coaster of emotions since. I think I’m quite strong person but I have come to realise having councelling might help me, sadly I’ve been waiting for 4months now… What I often struggle with is accepting this has happened and this is how it’s going to be from now on… what were/are your coping mechanisms? I just never thought I’d be a single parent, my parents have been together for 47 years, and I just never ever wanted my child to grow up without his parents together..I have given our relationship 100% but unfortunately my ex has personal issues from his childhood he never dealt with and it has ruined our relationship and our family. We’re on fairly good terms but I desperately need some closure to be able to move on and because I think I may never get the answers I need from him, I don’t know what to do….Reading some of your stories here is very helpful and uplifting and sad too… I guess I just need to hear that IT’S GOING TO BE OK. My son is a beautiful soul and accepted our new situation much better than I would ever have expected and I am proud to say that I believe it is down to both of us parents never arguing in front of him despite of what happened, and even after the break up we’re civil to each other and are able to be around each other without it being awkward and both consciously trying to get along and be friendly. It’s not easy, in fact it’s exhausting to pretend everything is OK… But if that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. There are days when I’m doing OK, and then there are days like yesterday when my ex told me he wants to take my son on a few days hols in exact same week my family from overseas are coming to stay with me and our son. It was the first time we disagreed, usually we agree on dates and visits, but I cried myself to sleep wondering WHY do I have to go through this and how much I HATE this arguing about who our son should be with … Thank you for reading my story and for your thoughts on this

    #22395 Report

    M9010
    Participant

    Hi Jani.

    I understand what you’re going through. I never thought I’d be a single parent, and I definitely never imagined I’d have to go through a pregnancy on my own and look after a baby with no support.

    In the beginning I would cry a lot but I tried not to because newborns can sense your mood. It was so hard. Eventually I started comfort eating and gained weight which just upset me further to be honest. I wasnt happy with my body after birth and I just made it worse. But at the time eating did see me through. I dont comfort eat anymore.. thank goodness.

    Counselling is a good idea. I got assessed for counselling recently but when it came to going for sessions I couldn’t because you’re not allowed to take your kids with you and I had no one to leave my baby with.

    I’ve just reached the point where I’ve accepted my situation. I try not to dwell on things I can’t change. And things that I can change I plan for and take little steps towards my goals.

    My sons father doesn’t pay child support even though I contacted child maintenance. And now does not even see his son. At least your son’s father still wants to be a father.

    I had an ex (not my child father) who had similar issues with his childhood. And it did ruin our relationship too. He was violent to me and some other things. I stayed with him for nearly 5 years.. we had some breakups in between. That relationship was damaging to me and changed me a lot. After we broke up he sorted himself out and hes actually a better person but I just couldn’t get back with him because of the damage that he had done to me. Also I wanted closure on a lot of things. To this day I haven’t got any answers because he can’t give them to me. He just says “i don’t know why i did that. I wasnt in my right mind.” Eventually I just had to let certain things go and accept I would never get an answer.

     

    So maybe it might be a good thing that he takes some time to sort himself out. As you said his problems ruined your relationship and family. Perhaps in time when he’s better you guys could start again? This might not be the end. And even if it is the end for you both you’ll be fine. Your son sounds amazing and as his mum you’ll find the strength to be OK for him. Everything is still raw now but you’ll get there. My son is 11months old now and hes my strength. I think if it wasnt for him I might have lost it completely lol. He needs me and that’s all that matters and that’s what I focus on.

    You’ll get through this 🙂

     

    #22405 Report

    Jani39
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your message and kind words. We will pull through  because we have to. For ourselves and our children xx

    #22408 Report

    Lou1979
    Participant

    Hi Jani39

    sorry to hear your in so much pain. I have been a single mum for almost 2 years (although I did leave my ex-husband, due to his cheating and womanising) but yet it still effected me, in a way I never thought possible. I went to dark places and all I wanted to do was take my son and run away to the other end of the country but I allowed myself to grieve. my parents allowed me to shout at them, friends allowed me to cry. I never showed it in front of my son as I didn’t want it to effect him and I don’t say horrible things about his dad in front of him (it will be his choice when he’s older).

    I think what I am trying to say, is it WILL GET BETTER and you will find and see how amazingly strong you will become. sadly you properly wont get any answers (I haven’t) but that’s something that I am learning not to worry about as it wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t have to carry that guilt and nor should you.

    my son is now 2 and half and he is the most amazing, happy little dude, he knows he is loved beyond words and the bond between us is incredible. you will have this too and you will get through it. promise. xxx

    always here if you want to chat or vent. Lou xx

     

     

    #22409 Report

    Jani39
    Participant

    Thank you Lou xx I’ll try and message you this eve

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

Log in or register to reply to this thread

Log In Register