6.5 months pregnant and Husband left after cheating
28 August 2021 at 6:14 am #58298
Me and my Husband decided to try for a baby after being together years, then at 8weeks pregnant, he came home one day and said he was sorry and couldn’t do this, but didn’t want to leave me…
…the months following, he was very distant and wouldn’t commit to me that he wanted to try and make it work. He said he’d been unhappy for a long time, despite not telling me – and he needed to figure out if he wanted a future with me. He continued to blame me for such small things throughout out relationship, and made me feel like I was all to blame for not making him feel wanted, loved… the list goes on and on… he left about 4 weeks ago after saying that we didn’t have a relationship anymore…
… anyway last week I found out that he’s been cheating on me with my neighbour for what he says was around 8months, but this is slowly creeping to near on 2years. Even now he keeps lying and saying they aren’t together and the baby is his focus, but I know they are still seeing one another.
I feel so alone. It wasn’t meant to be like this, it was our final chapter to start a family and I feel like he’s torn that away from me. I’m almost 33 and this is my first baby. I am now starting antidepressants and at present just can’t see a way forward out of this low mood.
I have two concerns at present: Do I let him come to the birth despite his continued lies, or do I have someone like my Mum. I am worried about the stress of having him there, yet I don’t want him to throw it back in my face if I deny him coming.
Secondly, we own our home together and I have no idea if I can stay here or what support he needs to give me. I fear that I won’t now be able to have my full maternity leave as I won’t be able to afford to.
Thank you28 August 2021 at 6:36 am #58301
Oh my goodness, what a horrific situation! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine not being able to feel calm and safe mentally in my own home, which I’m sure you don’t with the neighbour as the other woman!
you have to put yourself first for the baby in my opinion. Have your mum there at the birth, you can always change the situation. I would explain that it is the plan because you have to have total focus on you and the baby.
Honestly it makes me die when these so called men shatter us emotionally and then preach about their ‘rights’ as fathers!
let’s not forget how important our mental state is for our babies.
i wish you all the strength in the world, you’ve got this! Xxx28 August 2021 at 7:41 am #58305
hi forgetmenot, love your name… its such a beautiful flower 🙂
yeeesh… what a ratbag. so sorry to hear he has put you through this!! he sounds incredibly selfish & insecure, i guess the nhs is too strapped to repair his metaphorical cowardice-backbone, but he could get a job at seaworld as a resident jellyfish to gawp at if all else fails, & maybe he could get a puncture kit on ebay for his sorry ass.. mind you.. the jelly fish would probably object & the nhs don’t put up with abuse either 🙂 he doesn’t really sound like he’s done much to deserve your respect or the privilege of being at your birthing at all. legally he has no right, so he’ll have to accept that.
You deserve to be respected & supported in your birthing.
its beyond low to try to blame you in anyway for his choices, feelings or behaviour. Whatever was going on for him, it’s his choice & responsibility to fix!
I do appreciate it is devastating, heart-breaking & especially with all the hormones, extra depressing that he could treat you both like this, after everything! But this is his loss & his fault entirely. he didn’t accidently fall into someone else’s parts. he made a conscious decision of his own stupidity to play about & lie about it. you owe him nothing.
these feeling of hurt will pass, it’s important to get some kind of emotional support to deal with this to really detox his harms, heal and find your best life moving forward. It is possible & things will get better.
single parenting isn’t easy, but it’s entirely possible, your never alone in this experience even if it feels like this sometimes.
Pre-natal depression & anxiety can happen to any of us, but especially if something happens, personally i found PANDAS foundation the most amazing support, they have a great helpline & support groups too.
Obviously Gingerbread are fantastic aswell. You’ll be also to find tones of support with your local sure start centre or children’s services hub – gingerbread helpline can probably signpost you to what’s in your local area & give the best financial advice or know somebody who can 🙂
for your birthing, personally i found hypnobirthing (with the hypnobirthing institute) to be the best investment ever, really helped go into birthing with confidence & feel empowered to have the birth i wanted, & have skills for life to manage stress! know it can be great for complex births too to negate any anxiety, courses are available for planned caesareans if needed aswell, can be a tad expensive depending where you go, but lots of free stuff out there too. most offer concessions for single parents.
you deserve to have your needs put first, especially at this time xx hope this helps xx29 August 2021 at 7:47 pm #58338
Oh bless you OP.
Your situation is extremely similar to mine just slightly different timelines. Trying for first baby, then a couple of weeks before due date he changed over night. Became miserable and said he wasn’t happy, highlighted trivial issues in our marriage and highlighted all my faults (great to hear when just about to give birth) he said he was ‘trying’ to be happy again. When our little darling was just 5 weeks old I found out he’d been seeing someone from his new job. He denies it all despite being caught seeing her, and she even admitting to me via fb messenger.
I face the same issue regarding maternity and house. I will be staying in our home and once I return to work and we proceed with separation I’ll have to see then how I can financially do this but luckily right now I’m able to afford living here alone. I guess start with the maths – can you afford it right now, then deal with the more serious maths later ie buying him out.
In terms of the birth, even though we were together and I thought trying to work things out, my husband was completely useless in the birth (spent most of his time on his phone so no wonder who he was speaking to) so I’d say as long as you don’t think he will make it any worse then have him there. I’m grateful atleast for the pictures of the 3 of us together that I can one day show our little one.
You will be tested in ways you would never think you’ll survive but TRUST ME your little one will get you through each day and things do get better.
my inbox is open if you want to chat 🙂30 August 2021 at 8:52 pm #58432
Oh please please pl don’t take antidepressants while pregnant! Please, it will harm your baby! Your ex-husband is not worthy of such sacrifice.30 August 2021 at 8:57 pm #58433
Darling, don’t give a damn of what he wants. He already got it his way. The birth is your time and your experience. Bring your mother and feel safe in that environment emotionally and physically. He can throw at you whatever he wants, he already chise his fate and future, biwnitnis tike for you to choose yours where peace and truth prevails.
No antidepressants please. You can have free counseling from NHS that will help you to stand up on your feet. Ask for referral from your GP asap.30 August 2021 at 8:58 pm #58434
Darling, don’t give a damn of what he wants. He already got it his way. The birth is your time and your experience. Bring your mother and feel safe in that environment emotionally and physically. He can throw at you whatever he wants, he already chise his fate and future. Now it is your time for you to choose yours where peace and truth prevails.
No antidepressants please. You can have free counseling from NHS that will help you to stand up on your feet. Ask for referral from your GP asap.