29 December 2020 at 3:48 pm #47399
I don’t know where to start but me and my husband split in June, I had to change jobs as I couldn’t do the hours while been a full time parent my wages more then halved, then about ten weeks ago ex husband didn’t want give me any Maintinence and wanted 50/50 I asked kids(8&10) what they wanted do they agreed to 50/50 so I went with it, I know he’s twisting the kids minds slagging me off etc in front of them then he has got my son to say he wants live with him. He drinks every day (one of the reasons we split) he is horrible to my daughter most the time as she needs a lot of attention, then he said he was going to get me done for fraud for claiming for both children even though we started doing 50/50 so I signed my sons benefits over to him, anyway I don’t think it’s in my sons best interest to live with his dad full time he’s not a nice person shouts swears in front of the kids he smacked my son the other day too and my daughter wants see him less too where do I stand in regards to stopping the 50/50 or sorting the benefits out, I feel so lost and upset that the kids r going through this, all I try do is be amicable for the kids and he’s so abusive I had to go to the police about abusive messages too.29 December 2020 at 5:38 pm #47407
If you phoned up child benefits they would just put it back in your name. An 8 and 10 year old are too young to decide on where they should live. He will also have to pay maintenance for children. It may be that you will need to attempt mediation and go to court to get a child arrangements order where it says children live with mum and spend time with father. Also then you could arrange how much time between yourselves he can see them or a judge will decide.
How do you split 50-50 during school terms and do they spend the same amount of nights with their dad as they do with you. Also what are you happy to give dad contact wise which u are happy with. Generally its every other weekend and a midweek night where children are collected from school and dropped off in morning. Sometimes dads get 2 nights midweek but generally its more often 1 overnight where dads get between 8 -12 nights out of 28 as long as there are no safeguarding issues or any other problems where it would be a lot less30 December 2020 at 5:44 am #47425
Thank you so much for your reply,
How do I go about mediation? Is this something my ex needs to agree on too?
At the minute we are doing drop offs and pick ups at school so I will take the kids Monday he will pick them up and take them back Wednesday then I’ll pick them up Wednesday night till Friday morning then he will have then Friday till Monday so we do alternate weeks but he has to rely on his family to do the school run as he doesn’t drive and also works 8-4.30 Monday to Friday. and school holidays are harder when he has to work and the children are off, this is why I changed my job and reduced my hours to suit the children.
Before he decided he didn’t want to give me any money and wanted do 50/50 we did one or 2 nights for tea with him working then we did alternate Friday and Saturday sleep overs. He’s bullied me and manipulated me into letting him do 50/50 and because I wanted the kids be happy I went along with it, I didn’t realise there was support out there and that I could disagree with it, I’ve done everything to keep the kids happy and try to be amicable but still I get vile abusive messages.30 December 2020 at 9:15 am #47427
Hi initially you would attempt mediation. If that is not successful then you would submit a c100 application to the court where you would be asking for an order where children live with mum and spend time with father. You can then arrange an order where there are set times and days.
You say he doesnt do half of the holidays so it isnt 50-50. Also in mediation you could mention that you shouldnt be getting abusive messages as this would be classed as domestic abuse and badmouthing in front of children is also putting children at risk of emotional harm.
Once you get child benefits back in your name and ask for maintenance he may decide he wants less days. Also you could argue that you only wish for dad to have 1 overnight during week as hes at work from 8-430pm every day and can his parents or should they be for next 6-8 years picking up and dropping off your kids at school. With your children been 8 and 10 if it went to court it maybe that your children would be spoken to as well to get their views on what they might want to happen particularly as older one is 10 .
If they ask you about 50-50 or close to in past you can say what you said to me , most of it was summer holidays and you tried for 4-5 months and it isnt working and you feel a child arrangements order needs to be in place. I think personally your ex is taking too much on with work and you cant rely on others for the next 6 years at least.30 December 2020 at 2:51 pm #47438
Thankyou for your post. Please be aware that will be sending you a private message with some signposting options.
Kind regards, Justine30 December 2020 at 4:12 pm #47442
Relate has some free advice on their website, is worth a read.
The Citizens Advice Bureau gives free legal advice and are great. One of my friends used their advice to get her divorce through the courts without a lawyer (could not afford lawyer).
Well done for getting out and protecting your kids from the consequences of his substance abuse.30 December 2020 at 7:38 pm #47445
Thank you so much everybody for all of your reply’s and advice I really appreciate it and I know I’m heading in the right direction now, I have a meeting with my children’s school too next week so I’m hoping they get family services involved. I will let you all know how I get on and thanks again 😊1 January 2021 at 1:32 pm #47496
I was hoping for a bit more of advice if possible, I sent off for my sons child benefit again but my ex has been asking for my sons passport so he can apply so today I went to pick my kids up I knocked on the door and got back in my car to avoid any conflict, so he come to my car opened the door and asked why I wouldn’t give him the passport so when I told him I’d sent it off to re apply he turned nasty asking why my son come out and he called me a ***** and slammed my door I told my son get in the car so he sat in the front then his dad opened his door asked if he had everything and told me he was taking me court I said fine and he slammed the door shut on my son, I really really don’t want be put in that situation again he tries to intimidate me I recorded the whole conversation as I have a meeting with the children’s school next week and I will go from there but can I just stop him from having the children until I have this meeting? He’s so toxic thanks in advance for any further advice1 January 2021 at 7:12 pm #47509
Dont hand over passports . keep hold of them they are yours and you need it . A passport would only be handed over a short while before a booked holiday if agreed your children can go. With covid that wont be any time soon.
As your ex is being so hostile i would say his next contact is to be for him to pick up child from school and drop off back at school next morning whilst he makes his family court application. I dont think your ex partner knows the process as he would need to arrange mediation first .
If he swears and slams your door again it may be time for the police to have a word with him about his behavior . I am suggesting the school as for now it may also be a good idea to use the school or do handovers say outside supermarket front doors in front of general public so he is unable to cause problems.
The 6-8 arrangement may need to be stopped moving forward. It maybe worth if you ever have to phone police just to warn him off is to arrange mediation yourself incase he doesnt bother so u can raise issues you have.1 January 2021 at 9:07 pm #47522
I already had to go to the police about him sending me abusive messages and they spoke to him,
he also slapped him hands on my bonnet of my old car a while ago and dented it but I never went to the police then I wish I wud of done now.
I just feel so lost with everything, I really don’t want the arguments but I can’t be put in that position again he’s so intimidating and nasty.
so wud I be within my rights to say until we can do change overs at school again I don’t want him have the children for my own safety?
im hoping once I’ve had my meeting with the school I can change the 50/50 so they’re with me more.1 January 2021 at 9:21 pm #47523
If school is starting 4th january then due to how he is behaving it would be best to wait until then as its only a few days away. 50-50 arrangement you can change anytime you want but i would arrange mediation so you can discuss it. Hopefully he stops his threatening ways as police been involved will start to make life very tricky for him. I dont get impression you want that , but just want an easy life with no dramas and for your ex to be reasonable about things.
It maybe worth over this weekend having a heart to heart with your children and see what they would like to happen contact wise. You dont have to involve them in adult issues , but for example you could say mum and dad arent getting on well and mum doesnt want you to see this. Mum is thinking that maybe dad should pick u up from school and drop u to school the next morning as this would work better than whats happening at moment.
the 6-8 pm arrangement isnt working and the days and times been consistent. It maybe that one of your children may not want to be picked up fro.m school by anyone other than you or their dad so he should change his work schedule accordingly especially if its only once a week etc.
Make sure you arrange mediation as your ex partner may be threatening court but never actually make an application. I think the time has come for you to get a child arrangements order .2 January 2021 at 10:15 pm #47559
I am new to the forum but have been going through a difficult divorce since May 2018.
I stopped when I saw your post “50:50”.
I want to warn you that I reluctantly agreed to 50:50 with my ex after he told me his solicitor had told him he had a right to see the kids half the time if he wanted, and mine WRONGLY telling me it would be very difficult for me to challenge this unless I could show he was bad towards the kids.
I had been the main carer and if I had sought a legal settlement for main custody immediately, the family court would have agreed to this as it was the status quo.
I only found this out when I switched solicitors in desperation at my ex behaviour. I also found out the status quo was now 50:50 as it had been over a year and it would be difficult to challenge.
I submitted detailed accounts of domestic abuse prior to and following separation including in kids presence, also of actions negatively effecting kids. It was dismissed by family court as “historical” !
Unfortunately it’s easier for family courts to dismiss your reports of his abusive and controlling behaviour as simply 2 parents arguing over the kids rather than to intervene.
PLEASE speak to a good solicitor quickly eg; Stowe to avoid the same problem. Find the money from somewhere/someone. This is urgent and crucial, you have a lifetime to repay it.
PLEASE report any physical abuse immediately to police and ideally with a witness. Pushing counts as domestic violence.
PLEASE ask someone to watch or accompany you during handovers for your own safety and reduce anxiety.
PLEASE consider how you can keep a record of events; diary, messages, emails. Any independent recording eg; dash cam, cctv etc may also be useful.
Mediation is not a realistic option with someone who is abusive.
Charley3 January 2021 at 9:44 am #47567
Hi Charley2020 sorry to hear that you have been going through a difficult time, hope things r getting better for you.
well as somebody on here inboxed me I phoned refuge yesterday who advised me the kids couldn’t stay at his as he is in a one bedroom flat with his mum so I messaged him explaining this an said due to him been abusive in front of the children I didn’t want him anywhere near me so contact would have to start when the children go back school but they can’t stay overnight so he phoned my ten year old son not my daughter just my son saying he was coming get him and I can’t stop him so I phoned 101 who were brilliant and they have put in a safeguarding and alerted the social work team she has also referred me to an agency who can support me to get an injunction on him, he now said he is coming to get my son at ten am this morning but I’ve been advised phone 999 if he does come I’ve messaged him to say exactly what is going on and he will make matters worse for himself if he does come then I’m looking for a solicitor first thing in the morning so I feel things are heading in the right direction, thanks so so much for your reply x3 January 2021 at 9:47 am #47568
I have also been keeping a diary I have screen shots of him slagging me off on social media, talking to his friends saying it’s wank been home with the kids he would rather be at work and he is getting in the stellas AGAIN. And when I went pick the kids up the other day I recorded everything. X3 January 2021 at 10:36 am #47570
They wont allow your children to stay around a 1 bedroom place especially if its a 50-50 arrangement. I think this year your ex partner is going to have a big shock i am afraid. Writing that about his children on social media is terrible . Its meant to be quality time with children making memories.
Its ashame it has come to this and your ex potentially going down a very dark tunnel if he dont stop. He needs to listen to your concerns and work with you to address them