50/50 custody to avoid paying maintenance
1 March 2020 at 7:51 pm #37280
Looking for some advice & direction from anyone who has been in my situation please.
My former husband & I split 2016, we have 2 boys now 15 & 11.
He broke our marriage with betrayal, deceit & lies leaving me with no option than to ask him to leave.
The next day I insisted he had the boys as much as he could, for them to stay close to us both. I also work 4 days and needed his support, as he’s flexible in work.
Since 2016 3 set nights a week at dads a, nd then the other 4 with mum in our marital home.
The boys almost do as they please if they want an extra night at mum or dad’s they do.
I’ve never refused any extra time. We’ve both helped out one another if we’ve needed to swap or cover extra.
Since his recent new relationship I’ve had them alot more whilst he likes to go away for long weekends each month. It’s not a problem I love it.
Our biggest issue and disputes has been over financial contributions, he’s never paid maintenance and we agreed verbally he would buy what the boys need when needed.
This has always been a battle, I ask until I’m blue in the face sometimes for something the boys need, then he belittles me and it turns into arguments, which seem to be getting worse lately.
When we’ve had sit down conversations in the past about maintenance, he has firstly turned nasty, threatened me with his solicitor friend & court, then he turns desperate & nice and then some how manages to manipulate me into giving in.
So I grew some balls and finally contacted CMS. He is furious, when he got his letter he sent manipulative msgs telling me to contact CMS and change it otherwise he would take me to court to change contact times.
I refused to let him bully me, so now I have a mediation invite, I contacted them and suggested he helps pay for the mediation on my side so I can attend.
He refused and got his c100 form signed.
Yesterday I received a letter from his solicitor friend who is trying to bully me into changing the boys whole routine, uproot all they’ve know for 4 years so he can get 50/50 and not pay me a penny.
I’ve got 10 days to comply before they make an application for a child arrangements order.
His suggested new routine does not work for me and my job, where I start early on my non school drop days. I also have a day off a week for me to do both school runs and an early night home for homework and a family dinner together.
I really cannot imagine any less time than I already do with my boys. Our relationship has never been the same since he did what he did to our family. I never chose to be a part time parent. It’s taken 4 yrs to settle in our routine and now he wants to do a week around each so as a parent I feel a week without seeing my children will not be easy and is somewhat unreasonable. 🙁
I don’t care for money when it comes to time with my children, but out of principle I cannot back down now and let him continue to bully & manipulate me.
The mediator was furious with him and said we did not need to be in court, and money would have been better spent on helping me attend mediation.
I suppose what I’m looking for is if anyone has been here, can they offer any advice or information of what the courts may do in a situation like this, its so very obvious after 4 years of a happy private agreement that he only wants more time to avoid costs.
Surely they won’t take time from a fair and flexible mother, to help save him from CMS?1 March 2020 at 9:30 pm #37283
I have recently had my final hearing for the children’s courts, after being taken by my daughters father! He has the family home and a flourishing business so financially he’s doing wonders. I received the absolute minimum in CMA due to ‘fiddling’.. this is still an ongoing investigation he is unaware of. The only advise I can give you is I hope you kept records of incidents/particular swapped days & nights by him/things he doesn’t do for the boys… you need evidence to build up a picture to the courts as you will be given an opportunity to write out a statement to insist why your current plan shouldn’t change. He will also get to do the same… This is where it can get nasty and desperate. But even at the end of all of it and an order is written up, it doesn’t really stand for much as if he didn’t stick to the order you would then have to make a new application to the court and start the process all over again as to why the order hadn’t worked (again building evidence). It’s cost me £6k… a whole load of solicitor fees/2 court hearings with 2 lots of barrister fees. He got what he wanted (practically 50/50 all due to CMA). But I made sure he took daytime responsibilities too because initially he only wanted them overnight til the next morning! I have breakfast clubs and a nursery bill to fork out for. We’re 1 week in and already he’s asked to swap a few days next week!!! Bloody cheek.
have strength and don’t be allowed to be bullied.2 March 2020 at 2:13 am #37292
The issue your ex has is that if he has a new partner, he doesn’t want extra time with his children, he wants time for long weekends away.
So this is pure bullying. I’d ignore the 10 day thing, it’s a phony deadline. I doubt your ex will go for an access order because court-ordered access where he is subject to scrutiny, is the last thing he wants.1 February 2021 at 1:57 pm #48902
I honestly could have written word for word your post! I just wondered if you achieved a resolution, or have anything that helped you through this time? I am having the exact same battle now with my ex over our 3 and 9 year old, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared.
I really hope you’re well and have come through this stronger.
Cx1 February 2021 at 2:14 pm #48904
he can apply to court for 50/50 but there is no guarantee he will get it. courts still tend to favour kids living with mothers.1 February 2021 at 2:59 pm #48908
Hi CharleyMac, Littlemiss1982 post is 11 months old so you may not get a reply.
With you having a 9 year old and a 3 year old its unlikely your ex will get 50-50. Its best if possible if you are able to reach agreement with ex how much time he gets without having to go to family court. What contact he gets will also depend on how much he has at moment as well.
With you having a 3 year old and a 9 year old it could be problematic how midweek contact would work unless your youngest is already in nursery etc.2 February 2021 at 9:29 am #48930
I’m Michelle one of the Moderators here in the forum. I can see that the issues raised in this thread are still resonating with members. CharlyMac it’s good to see you posting. I’ve sent you a message with some links that may be helpful.