50/50 but I’m paying to support his lifestyle

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  • #53960 Report

    Cdd
    Participant

    Hi

    I’m after another set of ears/mind to see if what I’m thinking is me being selfish or I’m coming from the right place.

    Me and my ex husband seperated last November, I moved to a new place and we share custody 50/50. I am able claim UC to help with costs but he isnt. He also has another son who he has everywhere weekend so is still in our old 3 bed flat. Because he’s classed as a single male he can’t claim anything unless he moves to a 1 bed place which I understand isn’t fantastic having both kids so I pay him £150 a month towards costs (baring in mind he pays his sons mum maintenance).

    It’s leaving me with very little money and I’m scraping by, paying off debts he’s left me with and just general living costs being expensive where I live.  I’ve noticed that he is still spending lots on hobbies of his as well as getting lots of help from his family (his dad buys a full shop twice a month).

    It feels as if he’s using the money I send to enjoy himself yet says its to keep the roof over the kids head. He could afford all the bills on his pay with just a little left over but he makes me feel like it’s my fault and as if he will nit be able to pay the rent, making me a bad mum for “not giving out daughter what she needs”.

    Obviously I’d be more than happy to buy anything my daughter needs and send it to his but he’s never been good with money and I feel its time he grows up and learns how to handle himself financially instead of me struggling to make it month to month while I essentially pay for his extras and to support his other son (I loved the kid to bits but now he makes it hard for me to even see him now!). His job would easily allow him to get a small second top up position (which he did when his sons mum asked him to step up!).

    Am i being selfish for wanting to sort myself out financially instead of supporting him?? I’ve avoided filing for our divorce to keep the peace until the 2 years is up  but I dint want this to then be something we need to go through solicitors about

    #53962 Report

    Cdd
    Participant

    Forgot to say I work full time too so UC is just a top up

    #53964 Report

    Sonzie2
    Participant

    Hi there, it’s a difficult situation when you have a 50/50 split.  In theory neither of u shld give either maintenance, but only one of you can claim universal credit top up and family allowance for the child so I assume it’s you that’s claiming and  that’s why you feel you shld pay your ex £150 a month? Because u receive all the benefits? Would he be entitled to claim UC top up if the child was registered with him or does he earn above that ? I really don’t think u shld have to pay to substitute his lifestyle u need to focus on your own life BUT be aware your ex might feel like he wants to apply for the benefits for your child instead,in which case it wld be up to UC to decide who gets the UC and family allowance, hope that makes sense! I would tell him you are struggling to keep a roof over your own head too and I wld definitely reduce the payment with a view to stopping it.  Make sure u give him prior warning so he knows it’s coming and he can make the adjustments to his lifestyle.

    #53972 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    Hi,

    If child maintenance were involved, their position is if there is 50/50 shared care, then parents dont pay maintenance. So you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

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