5 Years on and now in a sticky situation

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  • #48410 Report


    Hi there

    I appreciate anyone that reads this post.

    At the beginning of 2016, I left the family home (wife of 9 years and 4 year old son). We were in the process of buying a new house. I carried on with the purchase of that house and allowed my wife and son to live there, whilst I rented a flat elsewhere. As 2016 went on, I met someone (it was just fun) and kept close to my wife in regards to parenting. Over time, my wife and I got close again and we decided to try again and I moved back in at the beginning of 2017. Nothing had changed as we had never sought financial or divorce advice.

    By mid 2018, we were back to square one and the marriage wasn’t working. I left the family again. Understandably after being left twice, my wife wasn’t in a good state of mind this time and she would not speak to me (she always let me see my son). She wanted to move nearer her parents and start afresh. This is approx 1.5 hours away from me. As she wouldn’t speak to me, I did all of the dealings with her step-dad. We sold our large family home at the start of 2019 and I agreed to be on the mortgage for a new home for her and my son. During 2019, my wife would not really speak to me, but I always saw my son every other weekend and school holidays. I am a high earner, so would continue to support child maintenance and also pay an approx £500 per month to make sure they were ok. I became happily settled in my own flat.

    My wife wouldn’t speak to me regarding finances, so eventually I forced mediation in Sept 2019. She now had a job, but was extremely difficult through mediation and we never really got anywhere (I also never pushed, too lazy and didn’t want further confrontation). So we went back to me paying the money each month and just seeing my son as usual.

    This has carried on since. Lockdown meant that I saw my son more and my wife and I were getting on to make sure our son coped during this time. I kept paying the money and not really thinking about any need for a resolution. In Aug 2020, we even started spending more time together as a family to have a bit of fun together (few days away in London, I stayed at their house and they stayed at my flat). We even signed up for another 2 years of mortgage deal as it means security for all.

    Now this is where the bombshell lands. This weekend, I looked at my sons phone and found out that he was speaking to another man (nothing serious, just playing PS4 etc.). It turns out that my wife has met someone else (an ex school friend) and they have been seeing each other. It is serious and my wife may consider moving to him to start a fresh life, which is 3.5 hours away!

    I have to be totally honest here. I have a huge amount of relief after finding this news out. I have found my wife a burden and felt I would be paying for her until my son was 18! I am happy she has found someone and it will definitely benefit my son, as the home life with just his mum is pretty miserable. I am also in a position where I am in my early 40’s, doing quite well and see a chance to start my life again!

    But the issue is that my son will move that far away. I do not want to lose him and feel that two weekends a month and school hols was a good deal.

    I fully appreciate that some people will see me as a pushover (some of my friends do!) and now going to pay for this “laissez fair” approach.

    What should I do now? Go legal immediately? Or seek to speak to my wife and see if we can carry on agreeing a sensible route out of this?

    #48411 Report


    I think if you took legal route, court would not stop your wife moving away. It would be better to talk to your wife about it. or if she does move, you can consider moving close to her, so its easier to spend time with your child.

    #48412 Report


    Thanks @steve3334. I agree and to be honest, I would not want her to stop moving. For my son, a life 3.5 hours away in a family environment will be much better than living alone with his mum for the next 10 years!

    I could definitely consider moving closer and already something I have looked at. My work is pretty flexible and nothing stops me from living anywhere.

    The one thing I suppose I am wondering right now is… If they moved away soon and I stayed where I was for a while, would still seeing him twice a month and during school holidays be fair?

    #48413 Report


    if you took legal route, then standard arrangement would be seeing child fri-sun every other weekend, and half of school holidays. if you stay close by then it would be easier for you to have more time with child, like fri-mon and drop to school, or have child stay overnight with you mid-week.

    #48414 Report


    Thanks again. The fri-sun every other weekend and half school hols is what I have now anyway.

    I also currently travel the full 1.5hr to pick-up/drop-off. So if we agreed on a half-way meet, nothing would actually change for me.

    Obviously the impact would be on my son, who would then experience a 7hr round trip twice a month.

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