28 weeks pregnant with unreasonable ex partner about child arrangements!
6 August 2019 at 7:12 pm #28878
i am currently 28 weeks + 2 and recently split from my ex (the father of baby)
I feel a little stuck on what to do about child arrangements as each time I have communicated with baby’s dad about making arrangements between ourselves he has shut me down and refused to talk any more and majority of the time will threaten blocking me or has done so for a short time.
He lives an hours drive away from me and I do not currently hold a full drivers license as of yet (working on it).
He also works 5 days a week from 8:00-16:00 or 9:00-17:00 Monday-Friday.
He is a bit of a control freak and is already telling me that he expects to have our Newborn from week one from Friday evening until Monday morning (he has suggested he will drive himself).
I feel very strongly about breastfeeding and he knows how I feel about it but has flat out told me to express milk for him to store in the Fridge and/or Freezer at his during baby’s stay.
I was wondering if any has been through anything similar (or knows anyone who has) and has any advice on what action to take.6 August 2019 at 9:03 pm #28882
Firstly, my suggestion is to not make any further attempts to discuss as it’s obviously escalating.
Secondly, make sure that you’re aware of legal protections you have as a lone parent; not naming the father on the birth certificate protects you and baby by ensuring that baby has to be returned to you, the father can still have contact, pay maintenance towards his child’s cost of living etc, but in the worst case scenario the police would return baby to you no questions, whereas if named on birth certificate you’d need to go to court for an emergency order and there have been cases where this has taken a week.
Thirdly, he sounds like a bully tbh. And form the sake of your child you need to be strong and in possession of basic facts. So….. with a newborn it’s generally seen as appropriate for the father to have short regular contact. So maybe an hour or so 2 to 3 times a week. That would really be applicable until weaning age. At which point, it becomes possible for a breastfed child to be with the other parent for a couple of hours to four hours for example. Then add the child gets towards 1 this would increase towards a full day by 18 months ish. Then you’d be in a position to look at offering consecutive contact days building up to an overnight every other weekend.
At no point should the other patent get all weekend contact. The child has the right to have quality down time with both parents. The other parent has the right to view their opinions on parenting choices, but ultimately you both have the right to disagree. So you want to breastfeed and don’t have to express. However, equally, he could feed baby formula during his contact for example.
Longer term, if he wanted, he could go to court to be given parental responsibility and have the same “rights” as you, equally you can add at a later date to the bc and this would give him these.
He obviously wishes to be involved but is also quite ignorant as most new parents are, of what’s about to hit him and the reality of the situation. I would ponder where you’d like contact to happen. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable in your home where? Coffee shops? Or would a third party presence assist?
I’d also make sure that you have an agreement about finances. When is he going to contribute? From birth agreements is the legal minimum? Or towards the outlay that will be needed in advance? Bynstanding order or cash which is more difficult as requires him to be reliable and to see you?
Hth6 August 2019 at 10:10 pm #28886
I have written and deleted over and over trying to respond to you, I had a similar situation and made bad decisions out of fear because he was such a bully and it is such a vulnerable time when you are pregnant and the first two years. My babydaddy used that fear and vulnerability to get exactly what he wanted and now I am stuck. I will forever hate myself for it.
You should let him see his child but pretty much as solomummy says. Make him fight for all his rights because if you give him anything he will just want more and more. If he is controlling like mine is he will never accept anything less than being fully equal to you and that is not reasonable with a very young child.
I’m sorry for the rambles, I want to be supportive but it turns out it brings up so much pain for me I don’t actually know what to say haha.
Best of luck, be strong xx6 August 2019 at 11:09 pm #28887
I’m a full time dad and have been since my boy was a toddler. I’m very pro father in a child’s life.
I have to agree with what’s already been said. Solomummy has given you some great advice although I’m uncomfortable with the idea of not naming him as the dad, but that is a vague thing and have no idea whether it’s better to name the dad or not. The dad does sound like a bully and his demands are unreasonable, much as I’m pro dad for the very earliest part of a child’s life mum should always be there within reason.
I think it would help you to get some professional advice, the first place I’d ask is here, the gingerbread helpline are specialy trained and have the most up to date information and resources. You can find their number under contact us at the bottom of the page.
Another couple of resources to try are :
British pregnancy advisory service 0345 7304030
‘Rights of women 020 7251 6577 We are a women’s charity working in a number of ways to help women through the law. Our vital services aim to provide women with the legal advice and information they need to understand and use the law and their legal rights.’
Family Lives provide general support to families on issues around parenting, emotional support and just generally coping as a parent https://www.familylives.org.uk/ 0808 800 2222
Mark7 August 2019 at 11:26 am #28905
This has been an interesting post to read with some suggestions and some signposting. I would suggest further that if you are going to look at future contact arrangements, its best to ensure that you receive correct information around this. Our single parent helpline will be able to help you to explore your options.
• Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline – Freephone 0808 802 0925
Opening hours: Mon 10 – 6, Tues 10- 4, Wed 10 – 1 & 5 – 7, Thurs 10 – 4, Fri 10 – 4 They can be busy so callers can expect to wait up to 20 minutes before the call is answered.
Also, there has been mention of dealing with ex partners that are controlling and bullying. This can influence your decisions if fear is involved. You can always seek advice form the National Domestic violence helpline. They are able to deal with current or historic situations.
• National Domestic Violence helpline – for support with regards to current or historic abuse Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
Take care and I hope that helps, Justine