2019 social standards
5 October 2019 at 5:21 pm #31169
Recently separated from husband and father of 2 kids (3yrs and 5 months). It was my decision for various different reasons but no bad blood or animosity towards husband, just you know – fell out of love.
He is finding it exceptionally difficult because I’m showing no emotion. I have tried to reassure him that I’m not a robot but I have felt everything he is going through now just over the course of a long time and so I’ve made my peace with it. Things have been rocky for a while and I think he’s very much in the denial stage still. I’ve tried to be as patient and understanding as I can, I know this isn’t his choice and I’ve really hurt him. Despite being told otherwise, I’ve been leaving the kids with him from Friday to Sunday night which kills me as baby is only 5 months old and feel it’s too long for her to be away from me. Whilst I’ve said in no way do I doubt his ability to look after her and the 3 yr old and there is no one I trust more to look after them, it’s such a long time to not see their mum. But he doesn’t understand that.
Anyway, whilst I’m not struggling with my choices and I am by no means regretting the separation, I am finding it tough on behalf of the kids and not giving them that traditional family set up. They are both so little and the youngest especially hasn’t even had a chance to live with mum, dad and big brother as one family unit. I go from one extreme to the other. Putting my happiness first but then feeling guilt that I’ve split the family up. And the judgement of others – I didn’t realise I’d be so affected by that!! It’s 2019!! I thought we were done with judging and being mean to each other.
How has everyone else coped with social standards? You know the whole making things work for the sake of the kids type thing. Because I was miserable and half the person I am now, and it’s only been 2 months!!5 October 2019 at 9:04 pm #31174
I have also found this a struggle! I have a career in education and although nobody has outright said it, it’s been made obvious that it’s frowned upon that I’m now separated. I have other separated friends who even put their wedding rings back on for meetings etc because it gives a better impression of them. When did being single and separated become such a taboo?! It really irritates me!5 October 2019 at 9:42 pm #31176
As hard as it is after a separation, staying together for sake of kids never works. Having tried to do this and live under sane roof for a year afterwards, this only confuses them as even from an early age (in this case 2) they know something is wrong, they pick up on everything. Separating vs living in turmoil is sometimes a difficult choice for the reasons you mention above but try not to live with regrets. My son is 6 now and even he tells me out of the blue and reassures me that I did the right thing whenever the subject of his parents living apart comes up.5 October 2019 at 9:49 pm #31177
I must agree with the difficulties and the stigma though, especially as a single male as we are usually vilified by mothers at the playground etc who make assumptions about the cause of the break up. It is difficult but I find its worth persevering as to avoid situations where this happens would miss opportunities to spend time with my son wgmhich is something I’m not prepared to let happen. In time you do realise some of it is real but some of it is just in your head as you are expecting it to happen and its just anxiety or feelings of guilt for the situation. In reality it may not be your fault, but even if it is what matters now is trying to do the best for your kids.
5 October 2019 at 10:03 pm #31180
- This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Welshdad.
I’ve been living with the stbx for a few years now and I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do…time will tell I think. But it’s not good for my mental health…I honestly think my kids will prefer to have a happy mum and dad. And I think separated mum and dad will make us both happier. I’m sure you have done the right thing. And the guilt that your feeling and I’m feeling will live with us for a long time I’m sure……..but I do think if everything is amicable between you guys the kids will be fine. We’ll I keep telling myself that.6 October 2019 at 6:09 am #31190
It’s never the right thing to do to stay with someone as you think it’s the “right” thing to do, believe me! I did it for 18 years and you end up finding the faults and resenting them much more. You’ve done the right thing. To say it’s socially unacceptable is wrong, so many people separate now, I work in a school and the majority is single or separated families.
It will be hard for you leaving your babies that doesn’t get any easier no matter how old, but tiny ones will adapt quickly and if you and your ex come to an agreement on days etc, it will come to be routine to them.
You must put yourself first, you will feel so much happier in life which shine through for your children xx6 October 2019 at 1:18 pm #31201
Kangar, you have one life, and you are entitled to try to be happy.
I stuck it out with my ex for 7 years because I desperately wanted to give my son the best of everything. I finally accepted that it couldn’t go on, the day the GP prescribed me antidepressants, and I knew if I went down that road I’d be drunk or suicidal within a year.
I wasn’t depressed, I was utterly miserable and trying to be someone I’m not.
Don’t take any notice of other people, they have no right to judge. You are doing what is best for you and your children. You are doing your best to ensure your ex sees his children as much as possible. You sound decent and honest to me.
You are only 8 weeks in. Don’t doubt yourself. Things will get better x