2 years on from divorce.

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  • #33475 Report

    Hoolia
    Participant

    Hi, my circumstances are slightly different as my children are both grown up. However I agree with what you said. My husband of 33 years suddenly said he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving saying it was my fault. Didn’t want to try and save our marriage. Friends wondered if there was anyone else. Didn’t suspect anything but looked on Facebook and very quickly saw a woman in a group he went to obviously flirting with him and him her. He moved in very quickly with her but said it wasn’t a relationship. Even told our children that. Their relationship is very strained at the moment with him, but all he says is that he’s moved on. It’s been six awful months, but I’m slowly healing. Know it’s too early to find someone but hope one day I do and can be happy again. Just because the children are adults they still hurt.

    #33479 Report

    Still standing
    Participant

    Hi Hoolia, really good to hear that you are beginning to heal. It is a difficult and different journey for us all. And it’s a differing recovery time for us all. I think that we try to hasten our recovery, due to pressure, albeit unintended, from society, friends and family. And pressure from yourself. Being told, or feeling like, it’s time to move on, get over it, get on with your life. As I said, we are all different. Take the time that you need.

    #34166 Report

    Olivia963
    Participant

     

    Hello Strawberry-shortcake, You are very brave. I’m also in a similar situation. I’m so depressed with all these situations arising around me. I don’t know what to do.

    I have been separated from my husband for almost 6 months. But in the meantime, my son is living with my husband. I’m so concerned about my child because I don’t think he is safe with him. He’s an alcohol addict, and I’m sure he can’t take care of my child. So I’m trying to bring my child back. I’ve to find a lawyer soon. Can someone tell me few ways to get my child back? A friend of mine suggested this family lawyer in Burlington. Does anybody know about them?

    Thanks in advance!

    #34199 Report

    Aries83
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing your story, this will help lots of people in similar situations. I am recently separated and don’t feel like I want to meet anyone new for a long time but it does get lonely sometimes and it’s hard but having read your story makes me realise that I can get through this and not just for me but for my children. I need to find myself again and be happy so they will be happy.

    #34200 Report

    Still standing
    Participant

    It can be very difficult at times. And the thought and sight of the one leaving, carrying on with their life, as if nothing has happened is really annoying. But there is always hope. We are stronger than we realise. Better than we ever knew. And we are loveable.

    #34325 Report

    Araiangel
    Participant

    Reading your amazing stories, touch a nerve with me. 25 years in a relationship 15 years married and bang one day he wasnt happy, after digging around an online relationship, which has progressed, into a ldr relationship and time they met he introduced the kids, couldnt of been worse if he had stabbed me with a knife, listening to him spin me wonderful tales of how he is not sure and then it’s my fault that his family chose me over him. Which is not true by the way. I am still standing and batting away his mind games and in a way control, threatens to stop paying child support etc. I am lonely and by god it’s hard sometimes on a daily basis, but I am proud I get up everyday and face the world. I have battles to come I know that, but to all of you out there I know I am not alone

    #34412 Report

    fjallravn
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing your worries with us, we really appreciate this. As for your husband’s alcohol addiction, I think you should apply for a special rehab center, for example, this one https://addictionresource.com/addiction-and-rehab-hotlines/ I’m sure they’ll be able to help. You can just call the helpline to get some recommendations or basic help.

    #35015 Report

    Thank you for all the kind comments. Wishing you all well x

    #35047 Report

    Nikki79
    Participant

    Hi, not been on this forum for ages and just read this post. I separated almost two years ago and divorced last July.

    It took me almost 18 months from us separating to finally get myself back on track, finally rising above the fog and getting through the anxiety and stress. I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt empowered and ready! Myself and my ex were finally getting on, being able to have a civil conversation when he collected the kids on visitation days. We discussed about the kids via texts, done parents evenings together and so on. I decided to dip my toe into the dating scene, but after a few dates with some guys, I realised I was no where ready to meet anyone and have a relationship. I didn’t have the time, the emotional capability, I hadn’t healed properly, I was worried about my kids and how they would feel about me being a relationship, it was all too much so I stepped back out. And I was a lot happier for it. I was finally feeling myself again.

    To give an insight about my ex. I accepted our marriage was over, I think it would have ended anyway as we were drifting apart, we both had different priorities. I found out he was texting, deleting messages and having an emotional affair (even though he denies it!) with a woman at work prior to us splitting. He told me last November he is now ‘officially’ seeing her and has been since last summer, I call bull on that and think it has been going on the whole time, if not the best part of last year…. she is 12 years younger than him (27), no kids. We have two kids together.

    This has really knocked me for six. I knew it, but now its ‘official’ its hurt, a lot. I don’t love him and wouldn’t want him back but even still, we were together almost 16 years and although I accepted he would eventually meet someone else, and I even convinced myself that I would have been ok with it, even would have met her if he wanted her to meet and have a relationship with our kids, knowing he is now properly seeing the ‘other’ woman has really got me. I feel betrayed, humiliated and my confidence has taken a huge knock. It’s made me anxious again, I’ve fallen back to the old feelings although not as bad, but I do spontaneously cry again and it’s taken a toll on my health and well being. I’ve gone back down that crater and as much as i’m trying to claw back out its really hard.

    I did have a conversation with my kids about daddies new girlfriend, obviously they don’t know the whole story and haven’t met her yet. They seem ok with it, all be it a little bit disgruntled about the fact she is 12 years younger than their dad and 12 years older than my eldest son, but as they haven’t met her yet they seem to be ok.

    At the minute I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and although I’ve done it before, I know I can do it, I just can’t see that good place again just yet.

    I know now for definite that I am still no where ready for a relationship, in fact this has probably pushed me back further. I don’t want to take any trust issues into any new relationship, plus at the moment I don’t feel good about myself let alone think i’m good enough for someone else. But i’ll get there. I count my blessings everyday as things could be so much worse! It’s just my confidence needs a reboot. The good thing is, is that I have not completely written off the thought of having another relationship in the future, i’m sure there is someone out there for me, but this has been a real eye opener for me that’s for sure. I need to learn to love and accept myself first before I can give my love to someone else again.

    Sorry that was a bit long!

    #35048 Report

    Spirit
    Participant

    Hi Nikki,

    Hun your story is pretty much my own apart from a couple of details with my ex’s gf. We were together 16 years and married for 9 years of those and we have two children 5 and 8 years. We separated last year in January and within a month of our separation he met his now gf, she is 26 and he turns 40 this year… cliché I know! He did some awful things last year for example he introduced the kids to her within a month of knowing her (I’m sure he was seeing her whilst we were still together) without my knowledge, I shut that down and told him it was unacceptable to involve the children and of course without me knowing too. He then introduced her again 3 months later just before his birthday, I asked him not to as I thought it was too soon for the kids….he did it anyway and then he took her on holiday with my kids after only knowing her for 6 months, again I asked him not to do that but he still did. He sees absolutely nothing wrong in what he has done and has thought of the kids all the time apparently.

    Anyway through lots of counselling from a Family consultant (worth her weight in gold) we are now talking and like you are able to do parents evenings etc…

    I still struggle on a daily basis with what my ex has done to me and the kids but I am so much better than I was a year ago although but it’s still a rollercoaster of emotions. This has knocked you back but you will pick yourself up again because you’re strong  person (even though you might not feel like this at times) and you are most definitely lovable. Maybe you’re not ready for a relationship right now and I can completely understand that as I feel the same about myself too. Just keep working on yourself and your life and as and when you’re ready I’m sure you’ll meet a lovely person, if that’s what you want of course!

    The best thing to come out of my marriage is my two beautiful children and I am grateful for them everyday 🙂

    Big hugs you’re doing great xx

    #35049 Report

    Still standing
    Participant

    Hi Nikki,

    I have been divorced over a year, separated over two. My ex was unfaithful, with a friend. I continue to find it nearly impossible to communicate with her. I insist that we communicate by text. Our children are 12 and 9. I do go to any parent teacher evenings together, grit my teeth and think that it’s about the kids. Don’t beat yourself up. I feel that the lack of communication is self protection on my part. As for dating, I’ve been on a few. I always find something that eliminates any spark. I believe that I have trust issues, and find a flaw, even if not a flaw, to eliminate any chance of a spark, don’t want to get hurt again. I hope this subsides, maybe I need counselling.

    Keep your chin up. You are doing amazing. It’s about the kids first. But there is nothing wrong with self care. Loving oneself, for being you.

    Good luck

    #35060 Report

    Nikki79
    Participant

    Thank you! He will be turning 40 this year too. Im not sure how they can trust each other, she knew he was married and he was doing what he was doing while being married?! How can you trust someone who does that? She is 27 and i’m sure at one point will want to settle, marry and have kids, but he has had the snip….has he been honest about that?

    I didnt do the last parents evening with him, we did seperate ones as that was just after he told me they were ‘official’ and was too raw. We have the next one in March so I have a bit of prep time for that. I no longer see the kids off at the door now either. They let themselves out and back in. I used to stand and give him a friendly wave, but not anymore, I guess the bitterness is still too strong to give him the privilege of my acknowlegment. Maybe one day i’ll get over it but atm he has buggered any friendship he thought he can have with me.

    He has already had two holidays with her, maybe a third and is currently in Australia with her and has been since Boxing Day and not due back for another two weeks. It grates as he earns well but only took the kids away for a week last summer (the only week off he had with them last year) and is sending them pictures of his holiday. They probably dont think anything of it, but the first picture of ‘her’ came through yesterday. Tbh, I didnt feel anything other than sorry for my kids. He is quite happily living his life, doing the things ‘we’ said we would have liked to of done. We even had a discussion with the kids once about going to Australia, its almost like rubbing it in…

    I think the worst thing is i’m tormenting myself over it, how easy it was for him to move on. I know I need to sort myself out, get over it and move on myself. Plus I need to stop tormenting myself by snooping, I know its best that what I dont know dont hurt. And I also need to stop having any concern about their relationship. Its not doing me any good. I think the problem is I feel stuck in the circle of the same daily routine, and not having any hobbies or goals myself. I tried councelling, antidepressants and so on the first time round, didnt really work and I took the bull by the horns and worked on things myself, but that was before the third person was officially involved. Plus being 40 myself it does feel like its going to be a whole lot harder to get out there and meet someone.

    I know I can do this, its just making the first steps in the right direction!

    #35070 Report

    Spirit
    Participant

    I said the same to my ex that she will want children as she is young and also works with kids too. He said he didn’t want anymore, so he is either lying to himself, me or even her. Honestly I don’t care apart from the fact it could or will have repercussions on my boys. My ex has acted like a complete tool thinking with his tool since he has been with this woman and  I have absolutely no idea who he is anymore either. All I know is that I am not to blame and I have absolutely no control over his actions or  his bad choices.

    It’s taken my along time and a lot of counselling to get to the point of where I can look him in the eye and have a conversation with him but trust me he still does ridiculous things that make me angry but I try and rise above them.

    Me and my ex had visas to go and live in Australia this year…can you believe it. I have to say that I’m glad we never made it there because I can see that it very likely would have ended in disaster.

    Well your ex sounds very much like mine a selfish narcissist. Trust me you will have no control over what he does with or without his woman and your best bet is to try and get on with your life and focus on what you want, easier said than done I know. I still struggle with this too but it does get easier and nothing is linear and your emotions will go up and down for a while, and there is no set time or date for you to move on but you will in your own time. Don’t be too harsh on yourself 🙂 give yourself credit to where you are today!

    Before my ex left I hardly had a social life for about a year it was drop the kids off at school and do the household chores and maybe see one or two friends for a coffee now and then plus I used to do a bit of running and I even entered a few races. Since my ex has left me I have made a conscious effort to reconnect with my family and old friends plus I’ve made a few new friends along the way too, and I have literally just started running again. Funny enough I couldn’t face it last year at all as I just completely shut down. I’m studying with the Open university and I’m hoping to finish my degree in the next couple of years (I’m doing it part time) and I’m looking to go back to work too.

    I was completely flawed by my ex behaviour and as I said before it is  daily struggle  as not only was I dealing with my own emotions I was and still am dealing with my kids emotions too. Trust me it will take you time to get through this but you will and you will come out of a stronger person in the end. I think I heard or saw this on an Anthony (Tony) Robbins documentary on Netflix ” I’m not your guru” like him or loath him it’s a good watch. He said thank the person who has treated you badly and has given you so much pain as if it wasn’t for them you wouldn’t be the person you are today – basically suggesting that eventually you will pick yourself up and drive yourself forward a stronger wiser person. He said it better than I have but I hope you get the picture. You are good enough, strong enough and you will definitely come out the other side. You’ve just had the wind knocked out of you but you can and will get back up 🙂

    I’ve started divorce proceeding and the bit that is worrying me is of course all the finances but I will get through it and I will carry on building my life as I have over this last year….probably very likely with a few bumps along the way 🙂

    Btw I’m 46 this year so I’m 6 years older than my ex and you know what age is just a number. No you will never be the 27 year old he’s with and good you’re you and be proud of that :)))

    What do you like to do?  Have you got a good support network around you?

    I’m very happy to chat anytime and it is so funny how similar our stories are even the bit about Australia.

    Sending you massive love and hugs xx

     

    #35105 Report

    Nikki79
    Participant

    @spirit

    Thank you! It is funny how our stories are so similar!!! I think when you have been with someone for so long, you think you know them!?!

    The sad thing about it is, the marriage was going to end at some point, I know that now, he wasn’t interested in getting any proper marriage counselling by the end, he isnt a bad person, we just grew apart, and had different priorities, in fact he actually has to make the effort with the kids now and is having a much better relationship with them now so that is a positive thing. I think he just got a bit of attention from this woman and lapped it up as I guess he wasnt getting what he wanted from me. I’m no way not denying I didnt play a part of the marriage breakdown, i’m sure there were things I did or didnt do right, I know I steadily became distant, but having that third person in the background has made it harder. If your that unhappy in a situation why not finish it, before moving on? Now I know why marriage counselling was blown out.

    Luckily I have a very good support network, but almost all my friends are married, in a relationship or all the single friends dont have kids, they all have their own lives, however I do try and socialise when I have the time and money. I’m getting used to my own company now when the kids go to their dads every other weekend, he moved to the other side of London so only comes to see them twice a week for two hours then every other weekend so he has a LOT of free time. But at least he is seeing them thats the main thing. Im a bit in limbo and dont know what to do with myself I think. I work 30 hours a week, so Im pretty busy each day which is good, I just feel I need to find something to do for me if that makes sense?! I think once the weather gets warmer and the nights arent so long I tend to be happier anyway, I can spend more time in the garden and do more things with kids….roll on spring!

    Its lucky that you didnt go to Oz! Can you imagine if this had happened over there?! The financial side of a divorce is a bit of a sticky point, we had mediation which really helped and I had really good advice from a solicitor so although it did get a little, shall I say, awkward at times we managed to settle everything out of court. We have contracts in place with regards to finances, the children and maintenance so everything is in order and cuts out any further problems that might arise and that has made me feel a whole lot more comfortable about the situation and less worried about the future.

    I hope everything works out for you and it all goes smoothly sounds like you are starting to find the light at he end of that tunnel! Same here, if you need any help or advice drop me a line 🙂

    #35599 Report

    I wish you all strength and healing.

    I have learnt a lot through being on my own and giving myself the adequate amount of time to heal. I got it wrong originally but now I know staying single was the right thing to do. I never want someone to feel they are my emotional crutch or healer which is what happens when you jump straight into a new relationship.

    I am strong alone and I am proud of that.

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