2 years on from divorce.

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  Lou1979 2 months ago.

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  • #22103 Report

    Thought this would help some people who are recently separated/divorced and struggling to find their way.

    When my husband of 12 years left me I was distraught. I hadn’t seen it coming and it hit me like a thunderbolt. For three months I was a wreck. Couldn’t eat, sleep or function. My two children pulled me through and without them I have no clue where I would be. My family and friends were also amazing. Again, without their kindness and time, I wouldn’t have been able to put one foot in front of the other.

    After a few months on from my separation, I jumped straight into a new relationship.  I couldn’t believe my luck! Here was a man who made me feel amazing about myself, loved my kids and made me feel happy, supported and cherished . I thought I had struck gold. I convinced myself that it was fate and that he was my true ‘soulmate’. Nobody could have convinced me otherwise, I was on a huge love high and stuck in a bubble of bliss.

    It got intense very quickly and he moved in within a couple of months. I was on a high for about a year despite dealing with all the divorce proceedings. I really thought I was one of the lucky ones who had managed to find ‘The one’ mere months after my marriage broke down. Then one night lying there at 3AM, I realised I actually wasn’t ok. I was still hurting. Still deeply insecure and anxious. I realised with a jolt that I had brought all my old issues and insecurities into this new relationship.  I was trying to recreate the life I had with my ex and if I am being brutally honest?  I was using this new man as a crutch, an emotional support system to buffer away the pain of what I had lost. Because it was a loss. When you divorce you experience feelings akin to grief. I naively thought that because I had met someone new, those feelings would ease, they didn’t. I had just put them on the backburner only to be confronted with it later on. After that revelation I made the very difficult decision to end the relationship and focus on my life and my children’s. They had suffered too and they deserved a parent who had done the necessary work after separation to heal themselves . That can only ever be done alone.  I realise now that nobody can heal me. I can only heal myself. I would spend nights sobbing in my partners arms crying over my ex and how he treated me. I would rant and rave over how I had been treated and I see now how unhealthy and unfair it was on my new man.

    Since then my life has transformed for the better. I feel stronger, happy and more in control. I know that when I do date again, I will be in the right place for it. Not on the rebound, not desperately in need for someone to make me feel good and desired, just me as I am.

    I have made new friends, carved out new experiences and learnt how to be happy alone. My children and I are in a much better place for it. Was it hard taking some time out and learning how to be happy alone? Hell yes. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I only wish I had done this from the start.

    So that’s my story. I have learnt more about myself and become stronger as a person due to what I have experienced.

    I hope it helps someone. All the best to you all.

    #22108 Report

    Sally
    Participant

    I think it was really brave if you to go it alone, and amazing to hear how strong that has made you. Well done and thank you for sharing x

    #22110 Report

    Giveitago
    Participant

    Hello Strawberry-shortcake, like sally said above (hello Sally), “well done and thank you for sharing, I know that it is difficult to do that…Well done you! Also well done for recognising the need and importance of what time (and a little personal work) brings in getting your self to a place of being mentally and emotionally stronger … healing from the inside out and finding your true spirit. Keep it up and stay strong and on course.

    #22111 Report

    christinaw28
    Participant

    I have been on my own for a year and so far have got so much better emotionally and with confidence. Have changed my style and just being me. Which is a positive thing as it has helped me forget the past and hopefully in the future I meet someone who accepts me as me. When I was first on my own really struggled to be on my own but now I’m realising having a year on my own has really helped me to heal.

    #22112 Report

    Kanger1
    Participant

    Hi

    This is a great positive read. I am in month 3 of separation and have no intention of jumping into another relationship for a while as you are so right you need to go through the processes alone so that you are fully ready to commit to someone when the time comes 🙂

    #22113 Report

    Mil1lion
    Participant

    Thank you for posting that Strawberry Shortcake. I’m 6 weeks into my husband leaving me and my now 4 month old baby. I know I need time to heal, but a comforting hug and someone to take away the loneliness would be a great short term fix.

    Since hes left and some time before, I no longer recognise myself… I’m timid, weak even, I miss my quick wit, my belly snorting laugh… I love my daughter so much and dont want her to see me like this even tho shes too young to remember.

    I know itll take time and that there are tough times ahead and I need to be strong. But on these lonely evenings it’s hard to be positive

    #22120 Report

    GirlFriday
    Participant

    Thanks for posting it gives us all hope.. I have been separated for almost 7 months now after 23 years so it’s been a real culture shock for me. I can’t even think about seeing someone new though it is lonely at times I am still licking my wounds. Like you the one thing that has kept me going in my darkest times have been my gorgeous girls & my parents have been a god send. I haven’t lost touch with the friends we had when we were together, he cut them all off to start his new life. Not looking forward to the end of the month when it’s our wedding anniversary would’ve been 16 years this year.. but hey, I have survived my birthday & Xmas just!!

    #22229 Report

    I am glad it has given you some hope.

    I wish now I could have gone back and done everything differently. I regret what I did to my kids. They appeared happy and fine to meet my new partner but it was just months after I had split from their dad. In short, their whole world had been blown up and here I was adding to the turmoil. It wasn’t what they needed and it wasn’t what I needed. I see that now.

    I should have worked through it all, all the anguish and turmoil. I should have had faith that I had the strength to do this on my own. As I mentioned,  it was incredibly difficult to end things with my new partner but although in many ways he was helping me feel good and healing the pain, it was also unhealthy as he was becoming more like a carer. Comforting me when I was crying and saying all the time that he wished for me to ‘Always be happy.’ All well and good but when you are in the process of divorce, it is impossible to be happy all the time and not feel moments of grief. My mind was in turmoil with everything going on and I was trying to convince myself that my marriage didn’t mean much and that this new partner was ‘The one’, ‘My true soulmate ‘. The one who I should have been with all along. I ignored the comments from concerned family and friends and focused entirely on making the relationship work and proving them all wrong. I look back and feel embarrassed at my behaviour and the way I was acting . I was behaving like a love sick teenager.

    Ultimately,  in the end I did the right thing. I rediscovered myself alone,  worked out where I went wrong in my marriage, focused entirely on my kids and reached out to family and friends. It was gruelling but here I am, in a much better and stronger place.

    If I can do it, anyone can.

     

    All the best.

    #22232 Report

    Vic998
    Participant

    My ex did something of the same last year. We were engaged and we have a son then he just upped and left me. Since then I’ve learnt that he’s gotten married to his new girlfriend and all sorts.

    I find your post inspirational because you are feeling the exact same and I can’t help but feel slightly envious of your strength. I feel like my ex took everything from me and the only real thing which is making me feel grounded is my son.

    I know in my heart of hearts that I myself am not ready for a new relationship because I would probably end up hurting myself and the other person. But I need to ask what did you do in order to focus on your life and find the strength? Did you meet new people?

    I would love some advice becausei would want to become stronger than I was before.

    #22263 Report

    Hello Vic,

     

    Sorry to hear your story first and foremost.

    I think for me it was realising that I was burying all the pain under the facade of ‘New Love’. I thought it would be simple,  that this man would fill the role that my ex husband did but it doesn’t work like that. I was still bitter and angry, filled with insecurities about my marriage ending. A new relationship so soon on was the last thing I should have been thinking of. I was in truth just looking for a quick fix to end the agony. Except it prolonged it. I was happy in my marriage, my husband clearly wasn’t but I adored him and he was my world for many, many years. That takes a lot of time to come to terms with. My children also needed that time too. Certainly not to be introduced to ‘Mummys new boyfriend’ so soon afterwards. As I said before, they seemed fine and happy at the time but they have since told me that they felt unsettled and worried but didn’t want to upset me by saying anything. 😑

    This post is hard to write. I feel I let my kids down but ultimately in the end, I did the right thing and do feel a million times better for it. I finally feel I am me again and feel I am so much stronger and a better parent.

    Take good care, You will get there I promise.

    #22272 Report

    Giveitago
    Participant

    Hello Strawberry-Shortcake, your self searching and self found realisation is quite inspirational to read and not only did it take a lot to live through it … it also took a lot more to write it down and press post. One of the great points of what you have shared is that it is quite concise, which only says that you are on top of things for the better and for everyone around you and what and how you have written truly says that you have your mind back and priorities are getting in order. Everyone slips from time to time, but to admit it, fix it and take responsibility for your self and those around you takes another strength.

    Hello Vic998, sorry to read about your experience and I hope you are doing ok with things. Without realising it you have already embarked on becoming stronger just by posting that particular remark, it means that you know where you are now and you know where you want to be some time in the future. I understand what you say that your other just up and left and took everything and it is a devastating feeling of despair, but you will come through it in time and like Strawberry-shortcake as expressed and shared in such an so intimate way with everyone…. it starts with yourself and often with talking with trusted others….and time. Regards

    #22328 Report

    Lou1979
    Participant

    Hi Strawberry-Shortcake

    Thankyou for posting that. Your story is exactly the same as mine except that I left my ex-husband but I jumped straight into a new relationship. (my son was 1 at the time) I moved the new partner into the house and started the process to have my ex removed from the mortgage and my new partner put on the mortgage. I had such incredible dark days and wanted to just take my son and vanish. I felt guilt like I’ve never known it for blowing up my sons family, even though I left as I couldn’t take all the other women and websites that the ex was on.

    I am now almost 2 years from leaving him, 1 year down from being divorced from him and a few weeks away from having no financial ties with him. I am no longer with the other person and now focusing on my son and I (he’s now a very happy 2 and half year old)  and I am starting to feel amazing and my confidence has grown and I’ve got a lot stronger, knowing that I can do anything that I put my mind to.

    So to anyone that feels in a black hole at the moment, it will get better and you will find your strength. Don’t give up.

    Lou xx

     

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