16 Yr old wants to contact father

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  • #42318 Report

    Whimsical
    Participant

    Hi, I’m new here and this may be a familiar situation, but not to me. Apologies as it’s a long story,  but I think background  may be useful.  My daughter is 16 and has never met her father.  I conceived after a night out, i have little memory of exactly what happened but do know that i did not consent, i had been drinking but also may have been spiked… the man also had been drinking a lot and did not seem like a bad person but all the same,  didn’t respect my right to say no.  Sorry if too much detail, but my memory is that he tried and I stopped him, but obviously not soon enough as I was pregnant. I was in shock and turmoil when I realised I was pregnant  but there was no doubt that I wanted to keep the baby. It wouldn’t be easy to find the father as he was visiting the area and I didn’t want him near me due to the nature of conception and my fears of what type of person he may be.

    My daughter is everything to me and I hate that she didn’t have a father in her life and at times wondered if i should try to contact him but I had no real details. I was also scared of what he was capable of and couldn’t risk the safety of my daughter if he was part of her life. I didn’t have his details but my friend who was with ne thinks she could find the house where he took us.

    When my daughter was 10 she asked me about him and I told her in simple terms, that when a man wants to become a father he’s supposed to ask the mum if its okay, and he didn’t ask, but that was lucky for me because it meant I had her and he gave me the best gift ever. I said that he had done wrong, but I would help her find him when she’s older if she wanted to.

    In the last few weeks she’s asked me to help her find him. I said I will help and will contact my friend who was with me all that time ago, she may be able to help me find the house and take it from there.  I’m guessing I could try to pay for a private investigator to help locate him, but am now worried about what  will happen next. If we find him, what effect will it have on my daughter? Did I do the right thing? Have I messed up her life? I know he won’t believe it (i was surprised that what happened, or my memory of it, resulted in pregnancy). What will happen if he rejects her? She already feels that by being here she’s ruined my chances of a “proper” family, even though I’ve tried to reassure her that she’s my absolute world. I don’t know the person he is, and while he may now be respectable,  I can’t ignore that he went too far for gratification. So now I’m worried that I let her contact a crook, but also that I hold her back and she hates me for it. I think that she may have grandparents who could be decent people, and its not their fault whatever their son did.

    I’m.just in a brain fuzz to be honest and would appreciate some thoughts, opinions and suggestions of what I need to consider?  I don’t even know how easy it would be to find him but either way, the most important thing is the effect on my daughter. She’s overall balanced, clever and grounded, but also suffers from anxiety at times and I worry so much about how it must be affecting her. I would be so grateful for any advice or thoughts.

    Thanks for reading g such along post.

    #42320 Report

    Dongo
    Participant

    I never met my “father” till I was 26

    i think you do the right thing when you explained to her at 10

     

    my mother sugar coated everything

    I was a result of a one night stand I end up piecing it together myself . And with my mother sugar coating everything and the little reason for my “father” not being there just turned me more angry than I was before a met him.

    i think u need to let her see him . She’ll have questions to ask. I never had mine answered and that left me with a lot of issue.

    the fact you’ve been honest with your daughter and not sugar coated to protect her feelings

    I respect that

    #42534 Report

    Whimsical
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply Dongo. It’s really good to hear how it feels from the child’s perspective. I will try to find him and take it from there. Really appreciate your reply, thank you.

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